the year of bob.

i've put this off long enough, but it is time for the year end blog. i have been thinking about this and wondering what i would finally write about it. chronologically i don't really know. but these are just thoughts. this is also my 100th blog for the year which makes me feel pretty good.

first of all the new year was rang in well at the browniebras. it was a good time with good friends.
we have the arrest evening which was both funny and an embarassement.
we have one of my childhood best friends getting engaged to an amazing person.
we have my graduation from college. it took me over 5 years and i do not feel like i have accomplished much. it sucks but i guess any degree is better than no degree.
my birthday, was amazing. i dont remember much after 930 but i got amazing gifts and had an awesome time with friends.
St. patty's day detroit, the first time i've ever done this. it was awesome. although i was hungover and maybe still drunk from the night before.
new music. i have discovered some good music this year, from mumford and sons to rediscovering other bands like the spill canvas.
my first trip to philidelphia. probably my last as i was a douchebag. looking back it was not right of me to do that. but in the end it is another story to tell others and laugh
my second trip to chicago saw two nights of drinking. new friends were made it was just a good time.
every tailgate for the michigan home games was amazing. our hosts could not have provided a better environment. this includes the big chill which was awesome and a one of a kind experience.
we have my various times back home. while i do enjoy some times there i wont ever stay there for good.
the weddings i was in/went to were all a pretty fun time. it was good to see people be happy
new jobs old jobs not a career.
ive gotten to know some amazing people this year. ive also gotten to meet some rotten people as well.
ive engaged with people that i went to school with but never knew. ive also realized i was a dick in high school to most.
ive also gotten to know one of the most amazing people i have ever met. we have talked almost everyday for the past year and gotten to know eachother so well and be able to predict eachother's actions. she has been my rock when i needed someone most and i feel she feels the same. we have had some amazing adventures together that are for ever enslaved into my memory.
other friends i have gotten to know better and have become pretty good friends with this group of people. you guys are awesome.
friends back home have been lost in some ways but when i am back home they usually come out. it is good to see that.
i went to plenty of sporting events which was always a blast.
hessel, a yearly trip that always makes me look forward to it. it is such an amazing place to be there with all the rich history and all my memories growing up. i love that place so much and would hate if i ever lost that.
and finally, my family. you are all amazing. my brother and sister in law are a pleasure to be around and are a lot of fun. my mom with her quarky quotes that make everyone turn their heads. my niece who only knows me as butter. my nephew who always calls me fat. you guys are all amazing.
and finally. to everyone, this year has been an improvement of the previous year but i do not think by any means it was a great year. i really hope for a better one in 2011. be safe.

!2:10

i have an amazing family and friends base.

!2:10

an end of an era

after 17.5 years of constant school i am finally done. i dont have to read for anything, study, or attend classes anymore. it feels good in some ways. the good is weight off my shoulders. the bad is easiest told in an analogy. sometimes you drive a car, but you just keep driving. finally you reach an end to the road. and then you throw your hands up and go now what? that's where i am at with my life. i need to get my shit together now that school is finally done. another way i see it is i've driven so far, but now i just don't know why i drove in the first place. while i love that i did graduate, i hate that i have no idea what i want to do. i started out wanting to be a lawyer. and now i still might want that but based upon laziness i can't. it is easy to reflect on something once it is complete. but i should've tried so much harder in college. i rarely did any studying or taking care of things for school. i just went through the motions of it. and i still do. i wish i was different but then i don't know where to begin and i know it is too late to change what i did within college. it sucks but without ever really studying i was able to have a b- ish average of a 2.60. i donno, i hope i figure out what i want soon.

!2:10

time flies

my brain is overwhelmed with things to say but no way to convey them.

!2:10

fear

over the past year i have very rarely been happy. this past week i have smiled on the inside for once. i have started to become the guy i wish i always was. happy and just lovable. i am tired of the hurt the pain that i always feel. finally this is starting to fade. my left hand has full range of motion my hand isn't swollen and i am smiling. i am so scared it wont stay up. i really am. i just want to be happy i love being happy i love just loving someone for loving me. i want this i truly do. ill do anything to make it work. i just want it to.

!2:!0

a trip home

This week has been nothing short of amazing. I needed this so incredibly bad. Ive just been extremely happy and i dont want this to end. A large part of me never wants to go back to ypsi. It is funny how ive run away from being back this way, but now i feel like im running away from ypsi. I miss it though, but again a large part wants me to stay but i know i have to.
!2:10

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thanksgiving

Ill be heading home within the next twelve hours for the next 4 nights and five days. Theres so much that i need to be caught up on when im home. I am unsure if you could say i miss being home or not but i do have an itch to be home for a bit. I miss my family at times but realize that they are better off if i make monthly trips. They dont need to see me as i am right now. I know they have an idea of whats been going on but i doubt they truly grasp it much like they did when i was living there. Im scared of my future in this life. Schools ending and then i have no idea. Ive been in school for 18 yearsish and now thats done and im supposed to be a grown up. I dont know if i can. Only time will tell.
!2:10

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weedish

so i've had to stop smoking the usual green to pass a drug test coming up. it has ben a day and a half. i have come to the following conclusions in just a day and a half;

1.if i dont smoke but i drink i am less drunk and less likely to blake out. i had a pint of admiral and 6 beers tonight.
2.i am a lot more irritable if i don't smoke.
3.i get headaches when i do not smoke.
4.i miss smoking

most people are more lazy, get the munchies, become slower, yada yada.
i do not normally get that way. it has become a daily ritual with me. i am almost always stoned. but i do not have any desire to do any other drug, i function normally on it.

if we go with the irritable thing, it just helps me chill out. i need chilling out. i take 50mg of zoloft daily, and while this helps me i do not feel like it helps me like green does. i like it i enjoy it. i will do it if i can, there's plenty worse i could be doing

!2:10

nov 7th, 1992

in the past two years i have been able to be alone for this moment. i have dreaded it for the past 2-3 weeks. dad, i fucking miss you man. there are few stories i hear, except that you just loved to fuck with everyone. dude that is totally me, any question by someone gets a smart ass remark. your wife, my mom....best woman in the world. after you were gone she had to take control it was so hard for her, she ended up geting zoloft which a family as a whole became happier.

i can't type anything more.
i love you
!2:10

rickets.

today marks his 28th birthday. this guy is my brother. this guy is always there. im not where he is in life but fuck man someday i hope to be half the person he is. i gave a speech at his wedding to which i have no recollection of it. but i give it like i think, that this man was like a father. i've left but he still watches me grow up. this man is nothing short of my father. always stronger than i always there despite anything. this guy is awesome. hes an asshole like me and when we see eachother, it makes it that much better. i have nothing better to say to him than thank you. thanks for being there.

!2:10

aweekend home

i left thursday afternoon. i came to macomb county, i needed a weekend a way. the thursday eveneing started with old friends some drinks and ended at orleans with more old friends. friday went on to be johnny's the entire evening with leeann. saturday was somewhat more of the same.

this weekend home was needed. while im not the only one. i needed back here. it feels like i am recharged. ill never move back but i love when i am here.

great friends, great times
!2:10

mocha is a tard.

i come home from the bar. what do i like to do? fuck with my dog of course! my mom bought a big chicken whole rotissere from sam's club yesterday. i ate the shit out of it. but i come home and i always give the dog treats. this is how the events happened....


me: mocha sit
mocha:(sits but cant sit still i just say sit and she hands her left paw)
me:mocha you're a tard.
mocha:sitting with left hand out
me:mocha left paw
mocha:right paw with left paw right after
me:mocha sit still give me the left paw
mocha:right paw
me:you're a tard
me:sit
mocha:left paw raised

after this i lost interest. i love my dog but i'm sure she is tarded.

Good Will Hunting

i find that very few movies can capture my interest despite my mood. good will hunting is one of them. if i'm upset i watch it, if i am happy i watch it. either way this movie has the same effect on me. it is a movie of finding yourself and being able to love someone else despite how f-d up you are. i want this. i want to find this.

!2:10

i have so much to say, but no way of really saying it.

a dream. i wish it were true.

I don’t remember dreams too often. But this one was amazing. I was driving by a golf course and decided to sneak onto it. I just putted on the 17th when a man asked if I wanted to do the 18th hole with him. It was a par 3. I said yes. He teed off then I teed off and I was really close to the pin. Maybe 12 ft away. He was much further. I putted and birdied it. He pared it. Later on I went into the club house where I met what I would later know as his daughter. Gorgeous blonde not necessarily natural blonde but not fully fake blonde either. We hit it off pretty well her brother was getting married that day and she asked if I wanted to stay. Her dad owned the course. I decided to stay but had no dress clothes. Her father said something to me, and I said I had just been invited. This girl was so gorgeous. Not sure of the next events but it was at stadium. She volunteered with some kids in like the last row of some seats and was wearing a purple shirt. I was there too. But then some government op took over the stadium. There was a separate opps there and they began fighting. I started to take down the bad version of them. I don’t remember much but towards the end I found her and asked if I could have her purple shirt because people were looking for me. She said no but I was able to blend in with someone’s hat. The last thing I remember is the opps looking for me and a random man traded hats with me right before they got to me. I kept my head down and avoided them seeing me. Then I woke up.

thoughts

History has negun to repeat itself. I see this happening in my love life or lack there of. Im always there for people i care about but i am slowly seeing this could be my greatest downfall. Dont get me wrong im a big asshole at times but when i truly start to care its hard for me to stop being good to them. I hate that most nights i cant sleep. I hate that people in some ways roll a dice to see if i should be happy today or not. If there is a god out there, which at times i doubt then why must this cruel game continue? I try to do so much good and just never seem rewarded for it. By good i mean just sweet things for people i care for. I just hate how whenever something is in my grasp it just falls through. History is repeating and if it is anything like last time i wont be in ypsi for too much longer. Call it running call it whatever you want but it is always hard for me to move on. I hate calling it quits when i feel like ive done nothing wrong. It feels like im doing a puzzle and when i get to the last piece it isnt there. This causes it never to be complete. I feel like my life is a puzzle and theres always a missing piece. I just want to be happy but am afraid to give up some things that make me happy most of the time. i just want the butterflies i want the happiness. Im tired of the sadness or just going through the motions. This whole week has made me feel like a zombie. Saturday is supposed to be special, but im unsure how special it will be for the other party involved. In other words i have no fucking clue.
!2:10

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i hope this stops extremely soon, but for now i have no idea whats going on and my hands are just throw in the air.

!2:10

death.

i never knew you to a point of calling you a friend. but many of my greatest friends did. ill always remember hearing of your death and just not knowing what to do. take care, and take care of my friends.

!2:10

Weddings.

First of all this is now my 140th post. that makes me happy.

the wedding season has come to an end. i had three to go to and this one was by far the biggest, nicest one. it was located in belleaire michigan and it was my cousin who got married.

it is a great start when you wake up at 630am and are hyper as all hell and then have to drive for four hours. it was fun nonetheless. upon our arrival we were greeted by family and went to our giant two room suite to just hangout and chill for a while. i got to watch some football and even took a little nap. after that rickets and i had to get our tuxedos on and begin to usher everyone in. he properly mixed some admiral with gatorade and we downed it pretty quickly. the ceremony was nice and the bride looked amazing.afterwards we could buy beer downstairs the reception did not start until 530. we asked the bride and groom if we could come on the shuttle bus for photos. we did and just sat in the back rickets and i just talking and drinking. we ended up stopping at short's brewery. upon leaving the bus my cousin goes wait you guys were here the entire time? indeed we were. then we asked a few people within the brewery if they knew where the fresh prince was staying since it was belleaire after a while. the consignment shop lady was the only one who got it. i bought two ringpops and a sucker.

we get back from the shuttle and the bride wants to go change into another gown. rix and i take a shortcut and when the elevator door opens with the bridal party in it, i had my bare ass hanging out mooning everyone.

we get to the reception and take our seats and the whole shebang begins. a 9 piece blues band and amazing food. drinks start pouring and everything starts happening.

there were cameras on all the tables so of course rickets and i had a photo shoot of my ass.

i tried to dance and then my tuxedo pants broke. they would not hold up with safety pins so i had to go put jeans on.
after the band drums up some good music it is time for me to disappear and return as batman. the band begun playing batman and in turn i came running out and took the dance floor. i got to dance with the bride and make everyone laugh. as soon as the song ended i ran back to the room.

i came back with my jeans on and tuxedo top. danced some more and drank lots more.

once it ended we walked back to the room and saw room service metal tops for the food. i decided it was a good idea to use it as a frisbee causing all kinds of noise. in a nutshell it was a lot of fun.

that is pretty much all i remember from the wedding saturday. alls i know is that the view was gorgeous and i had lots of fun.

but as the wedding season seems to come to a close i realize that these weddings are the first in many more to come. there isnt a few week period where someone doesn't get engaged. it does make me feel jealous, but also optimistic and able to pick and choose parts of these weddings to include in mine some day.

!2:10

september

september has come and gone. this month seemed like it only started yesterday. it is weird to see this entire month just flash by. ive been busy for sure but it just is odd to me. ive started to become content with my life. ive cut back the amount of days that i drink alcohol and it seems to make my stomach feel a lot better. i love this time of year but am super excited for the impending winter for my most peaceful thing ever, snowboarding. i simply cannot wait for this year and reall hope to go as often as i can.

ive also started to be a little happier. things keep going haywire with certain people and while it may bother me immensly i am able to carry on despite it. that makes me feel good because months ago that wouldnt happen. while i dont find it totally healthy to maintain this up and down id rather have some up than none at all.

!2:10

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i know this is bad, but lately i've though about life. i don't feel like i drink too much but friends as well as my body tell me different. my stomach as of late has been terrible. from what i gathered it is an ulcer. everyone says get it checked out.

but to be completely honest, i'm scared. i never get myself checked out and if you know me well then you realize im constantly in pain whether it is my knee my back or my throat. my dad died at such a young age and he knew about it. granted he lived a life like most would want, not thinking about it and knowing full well he'd never see us grow up. granted his was probably different than mine, but i am still scared as all hell. if i die young i dont want to know it is happening. i love my father's choices for being with us always and doing everything he could, but i dont know if that could or is me. frankly i am just scared.

!2:10

A Summer to Remember

My usual trip to Hessel, Michigan signals the end of summer. this summer was the best by far, i have done so many things that i had never done before and have done things i love doing.

Highlights:
1. NCAA Final Four for lacrosse.
it was a one of a kind experience shared with some close friends i have known for years. it was something i would have loved to do sooner and cant wait to do more of.
2. The Callis Wedding
it had been coming for years, and it finally happened. it was an amazing wedding with my family and friends.
3. My Birthday
AS per usual i was drunk off my ass and got to share it with some pretty great people. i was in bed by midnight and the company behind it was just simply amazing.
4. the 2nd Annual Beer Olympics
wore a kilt, drank lots of beer and made a fool of myself.
5. Chicago Trip 2010
Beer and subway. enough said
6. Ypsilanti Beer Festival
my first time being around here for this fabulous event in which i tried many different beers and showed some friends what it is like to drink all day.
7. Bud Bash 2010
this was my second appearance at the bud bash, it was a lot more conservative but still a lot of fun.
8. Raft off 2010
this was my first time attending and it turned out to be such a great day, i love the water i love the sun, i love beer.
9. and finally, Hessel
this was one of my favorite experiences so far. it was my first time spending 24/7 with my niece and nephew and brother and sister in law and mom in quite long time. i loved seeing my niece just run around the entire time and only taking naps when i tell her to. i loved her waking me up every day and ethan and i's sword fights. lots of drinks and lots of bonding was had.

so what did this summer hold for me? lots of friends lots of drinking and most of all a summer to remember.

!2:10

this trip is always something that can make my whole life change. ive came here since i was six that was 21 yrs ago but with a few year lay off in high school. this place is everyhing for me. my tattoo stems from a fish that my father and i caught. as ive grown older and my fellow hotelmates,have gotten married and had kids it still feels so amazing to be here. every night i try to go to the end of the dock and just take everything in. it's so great to see second generation cousins and my neice and nephew; ive never had my heart melt as it does when lilah says nooooo buttterrrr. im never around i get that. but when i have this week i never want to be without ej and my lilah. i wanna fall asleep as her big spoon ive gotten her to sleep a few days. i love it. i miss being around them, but uncle butter has to do what he has to do

12:10

so one of the greatest things about having the internet again is so that i can blog once more. so many times ive had so many things to say, but have found myself thinking if i write this then save it to post later, ill just erase it. tonight is the first night ive been able to sit down and just write the way i want. this past month has been a great kickoff to a new year of myself. but with the life in front of me, i have nothing to write right now.

the year in review.

i wrote this on the 30th but didnt put it in place, so i back dated it

Ive been thinking for a few days on what to write as I do on or near my birthday and have decided to write this evening. In the past year I have seen many things change. I have started to become more family oriented and make more frequent stops at home even if it is for a few hours. Relationships have come close to starting but nothing worth really noting. In the past year I have had 3 jobs radio shack, cabela’s and now Acosta. It took almost 2-3 months to get Acosta and it is an amazing job. I am still the same broke ass man as I was last year. Maybe a little wiser as to life experiences. I’ve started new friendships with some and closer friendships with others. I’ve been camping, to Hessel, Chicago, Cleveland, Baltimore on various vacations and new life experiences. I’ve seen tons of red wings games, tigers games, and finally saw my first U of M football game. Ive drank many days away and smoke many of bowls on days. I feel like I’ve started to find myself more as a person which I have lacked. It has taken years but finally I am starting to set and keep goals to live by. People have been taken away for various understood reasons, I feel like this year wasn’t the worst and was better than my 22 or even my 21 year. If that means anything then it is a various improvement. 24 ill finally graduate college, finally take the long cross country trip I want. Finally start my life. So what can I say about the past year? It was good, see you later.
What do I hold out for me this year? Friends, family, love, drinking, and plenty of stories for me to write about.
Happy birthday to me.
the song of my year can be none other than Death Cab For Cutie’s performance from Bonnaroo in 2008 of Transatlanticism.

!2:10

my life is life. never great, never terrible.
but i'd be lost without you in it.

!2:10

i had one of the best times with my brother and callis last weekend at my niece's 2nd birthday party. we drank all day but casually, made fun of brandy mostly and i got to hang out with my lilah bug. ethan was a lot of fun that day too. later in the evening we decided it was a good idea to shoot ethan's red ryder bbgun in chris' basement and have ethan set up the targets. he did and we wore sunglasses and then moved on to shooting animal crackers. then i went to the bar and met up with some friends that i usually dont hang out with. a pleasant change of pace.

i havent been all that bad lately. i think my internet being shut off is somewhat a blessing in disguise. i dont use my computer that much which has cut down on my facebooking. my only drawback is missing out on conversations with people that i usually dont talk to outside of facebook. but all in all it is a truly good thing.

i'm also not chasing after a girl for the first time in a long while. once again a good change of pace

i'm finally excited to be done with school in decemeber, i really fucked up last semester and i don't plan on fucking up again, after all i have 2 cases of beer riding on getting a 3.0

that is all for now.

!2:10

a couple of weeks.

in the past month to two months i have not blogged much. it can be attributed to a few things, no content, drinking, smoking, laziness, and not paying my bills.

ive thought of this many times, and with anyone that ever reads anything i write you will see a parallel to big fish. i am starting to realize that maybe ypsilanti is too small of a sea for me to be a big fish. there is literally half of people around this half like it half hate it, the two biggest are of course not on the same page.

ive been home more often than i can remember. granted every day i am in the htp or the clem i enjoy it. but no matter how many times i come back, i never can call this home again. i may use that in conversation out of habit but, ypsilanti has my heart. home is where the heart is.

so where is my heart? fuck man, i have no clue anymore. i can come home to my mom's i never sleep well. and maybe that is because it isn't my home anymore. but then i come to my apartment and still can't sleep. but i find myself ever increasingly leaving to hang out alone. is that a bad thing? i dont think so.

look, i have until december to figure out what i'll do. when i graduate i am leaving, for how long? i don't know.

12:10

things to take away from the weekend:
1. try not to drive home at 2am saturday morning...not the smartest thing ever
2. wake up earlier on saturday to help mother.
3. don't put all of your eggs in one basket...again...and again...and again.
4. the clem is boring when all the places are rented out for private parties.
5. the clem is boring when you don't drink much
Sunday
1. wake up earlier again to help mom.
2. find out why your niece wont stop calling your name.
3. duggan is rather creepy.
4. try not to take an hr nap before work because you'll be cranky
5. see number 3 from saturday
6. go in early when you have no idea what the fuck you are doing for work.
7. work is shitty when you are a. alone and b. with a phone that died.
8. need sleep.


my weekend wasnt terrible, but one event sunday started a chain of just suckiness.


!2:10

there is about 10-15 minutes of various film and music to which i could live my life by forever, tonight i take you to those places.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBQWpKDey0Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-sU4xZur8A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5EudSDpbOY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCbdX92hbbg

view all links in order to make more sense.
this needs to be my life.

!2:10

where will i end up after i graduate in decemnber?
am i selfish for wanting to move further away?
for furthering myself from my growing niece and nephew?
move myself away from everyone and anyone?
i have friends that did this and it did not work out.
i dont know where i'd go it just wouldnt be a place id come back from.
no offense to my friends but most have failed in the long move away from home.
so confused and upset to what i want to do.
just unsure.
!2:10

the smallest things

i have come to the conclusion that the smallest thing that are the things that mean the most. and that those people are hard to come by, may i have come by that? i have no idea. i simply know that i always remember the smallest meaningless things but they arent meant most.

!2:10

have no fear.

i get in these rhythm's when i read books that i really like. for instance i just finished "the Mission" by Jason Myer. i started reading it saturday while at the farm. i read 120 the first day then read 40 the second day. last night i started reading at like 1am, took a few breaks here or there to eat and stuff and finished it at like 615. ive come to realize that at times i do immerse myself into the story and space out. i never realized that until recently when page numbers became irrelevant. i need more books to read soon.

!2:10

no phone no problem.

this weekend was pretty great. it started out with waking up uber early and drove to lapeer for a weekend away. arrived there early and i felt instantly relieved. i saw all billion dogs which was so great. i literally hate pitbulls. however, i also found that these animals can be little babies. i had one lay on me all weekend and another cuddling by my head. while i was useless in the form of horse maintenance and overall farm maintenance i found that i could still have fun. there's so many things i could say about this weekend but i can't put words into it. i can simply say it was relaxing and the best in a while. i am thankful for being there and cant wait to go back.



!2:10

this weekend is exactly what i need. a vacation away from most everything. how long will i not look at my phone for? that remains to be seen. i did not charge my phone and am at about 70% right now. casie has the same phone, but i dont want to charge mine. am i afraid ill miss something? sure. do i really care at this point? not really. well maybe a little. ill miss my daily convos with people, but whatever they will understand. this is !2:10 signing off for the weekend.

!2:10

dear world,

today was a day that does not happen often even though i refuse to admit it. it was a day in which i had to go get my car, everyone that knows and or drinks with me realizes i drive home a lot. i realize it is a terrible idea. and in the past few days have just left the car. maybe it is a sober driver maybe it is just me not wanting to fuck up more than i already have.

today is thursday. in a day or 2 i will go away for the weekend. everyone that knows me realizes a few things:
i always have my blackberry in my hand
i am an asshole
i love to drink

the first being the most important for the weekend. it will be off, i will do my best to not even turn it on. i know iwont respond to anything but it will be liberating. i need this weekend. i get to go to a zen place of someone that i can safely say is beautiful inside and out.

i need more tattoo's i have come to the conclusion i just want an old english L in the middle of my neck below my neck line.
i may bring some paper along for the weekend only to write a paper version of this blog which will be backdated accordingly.
look i know i don't have many readers. but this blog is me. this writing is me. ive never been ashamed of me writing. and never will. accept me for who i am or fuck off.


!2:10

is it bad that i feel like will, from good will hunting? a wise friend has told me this movie is more about self discovery than about love. and after looking at it more closely, i feel the same. but i think i am will, but less smart. ill never give my self credit. and i can probably never figure out the shit he did. but he needed that extra push. and i feel like i do too. whatever it is, i just need it.

edit: the accents are terrible. but seeing this the second time affleck says i hope one day ill come see you and you wont be there.
why can't this be me some day? this could be my notebook.


!2:10

school

i have known, since a few weeks ago my grades were going to be terrible. i am basically 9 hours closer to graduation when i had hoped to be 19 hours closer. the only fault is my own. most were online classes. i wont make excuses. i failed. and i failed hard. every class but one hour is being retaken in the fall. i will graduate in december. dont care how much it takes. there is a bet that i cant get a 3.0 in my last semester. i know i can. i just need to do it. not so much for the case of beer, but i've done the 3.3 before without really trying. most of my classes are online in the fall. whatever it is i need to get my ass in gear. i need to walk across that stage if for nothing else than for my mom my father and i. chris didnt graduate college because he never really had to go. electrical work requires a different type of schooling. dad graduated and tried for his masters with us as young kids, he never fulfilled it. i want to. whatever that degree is in i want that for me. i dont care how long it takes i will get a masters in something. i will finish my father's work.

!2:10

i'm going on a vacation this weekend. well it is only a few days but who cares. dont get me wrong, i love going to my mom's but this will be different. i wont have my phone on except once a day at midnight to see my emails and what not. i am truly excited about this endeavor. i havent really ever spent a weekend with a friend and her parents the first time i see them. either way, i expect to sit on a porch and read a lot.

school is out. i got my grades and i did decent in the classes i didnt fail.

all in all, i'm looking forward to this summer immensely.

in other news good will hunting is such an amaing movie. i am angry at myself for not seeing it sooner.

!2:10

tonight is probably the first saturday in months that i did not go out. i barely even left my apartment except to get my mail.
it was adifferent day in itself that i am usually not used to.

school is done, work is going alright and i am not stressed as much. however, there is still something lingering from the semester and that's a girl everytime i think she is gone she comes back in and i get roped back. is this healthy? absolutely not. will anything ever happen again? probably not. i miss her around but understand that she doesnt want me the way i want her.

next weekend should be a calm peaceful way to get away from everything.

!2:10

alls i can totally say is that last night was amazing. tonight was great. and i cant wait for my summer.
and last night was just great.

this could be my favorite summer ever.

!2:!0

another year another 10k

another year is over in school. and yet i am still one semester away from graduation. this semester i fucked up terribly, online classes and laziness are what screws me over. so ill repeat a few classes in the fall and graduate in december.

i believe this summer will better than last. even though last summer was purely amazing. ive added some great new friends in the past year to my already strong core. some friends are becoming closer than one could ever imagine and that is probably the best thing in the world.

i'm excited for what lies ahead.

!2:10

my appetite is finally coming back. i don't know what it was. if there was stress possibly that lead me to that that could be the case. that stress is now defunct. which is nice. granted what could have been would have been amazing. but i guess in time it wasnt right. a friend tells me "love should never be that hard" maybe that is totally true. we'll see. ive also come to realize i have a great group of friends. they are pretty fucking awesome.

that is all !2:10

the last few days have seemed almost clustered all together.
going through the motions and trying to get rid of things and start new things. this week hasnt been terrible.
better than the last for sure. but then again it is only wednesday.

i really want more ink done. it's annoying i can't pay for that.

my life is shit right now.


everything i thought? i was wrong.

where are my keys? i have no idea. my extra set of keys wouldnt have done me good in this case.

my stratus? at trader joes. why? because the transmission sucks.great. gotta love my life.

kat? for all purposes gone. maybe friends. cool. but not for what i saw us as.

i just need to sleep for a while. a few weeks.

o an ps my knee is fucked up again. great.

it's really upsetting for a person like me to want something so bad and it slips through your fingers.
theres a girl ive been after for a few months now, a few dates here and there. hanging out every day at times. was it all friendship? maybe. but other things tell me different. this girl was amazing to me. i finally let myself go with her, meaning i let my walls down. i can say that with others like anna i did the same but not in this way. it's hard to explain. either way, she found someone different. maybe better who knows. alls i know is that i really want this girl still. and it sucks i cant have her. i just am tired of waiting for someone to come along.

!2:!0

a semester to remember

this semester has brought me a lot of pain. i was supposed to graduate in may. 19 hours was way too much to take. especially when you are me. i have to retake at least 8 hours of classes. it's my own fault. i could take those 8 hours in the spring and summer. but i need the spring and summer off. i'm tired of school, although i don't attend it that often. i just need a break from that. i almost need a break from life as well. but if i don't have to worry about one of the 5 things that run my life then i can focus on the other four areas.
love
friendship
family
work
those are not in the order of importance. but those are 4 of the 5 things that run my life. 2 of those are going quite well. while one of them is confusing to say the least and the other was going well until i fucked it up.

whatever it is, may 1st will come with a good rejuvenation.

!2:10

april in the d

today is the first day of april.
what does april have in store?
opening day baseball
playoff hockey
warm weather
shorts
and in 3 months ill be 24.

today i will be starting off my month properly. a wings game with free tickets and an evening with kat. it should be a lot of fun, i want a puck hat. because ill look awesome in it.

friday is the good friday lacrosse game. alumni game, i cant wait it should be amazing. i cant wait to get back out there, but fear my feet wont be able to work properly because last weekend i walked home in sandals and my feet constantly hurt as i walk.

this weekend is also easter.

i am babbling.

!2:10

the htp.

everyone knows that when i come home to visit my mom i always want to go out. hit the bars, see my friends. tonight was no different. however, after all my old friends left i was able to hang out with newer friends or just a friend. for all intensive purposes the bar was closed, however michelle could not leave. i stayed. hung out and talked. we have talked plenty, facebook style or over drinks. but never like one on one about everything. the conversation got cut short, however it was near the beginning of the conversation when she asked how i was getting home i simply said, dont worry about it. i love when people do not press for details at times but at others do.

i simply left the bar and began my walk home. in mt clemens there is the water front and a small bridge under a bridge for walking that can go for as long as i could see. i simply went underneath the bridge, i had a tshirt that someone made me for the super bowl on. i had another over that to which i had just bought. i took the under shirt off. and left it on the bridge. why? i have no idea, but at times things compel you to do things. and this was it. maybe there were the homeless sleeping. maybe there werent the shirt said who dat? and had the new orleans saints logo on it. maybe someone will come up to it and see it and go i want this. maybe it will get shredded. do i care? not in the slightest. will it make a difference? maybe maybe not. but if for one minute someone could just ask why, why did someone leave this here. then ill be ok with that.

there was a fork in the road. this is how i looked at it. going to the right, sidewalks streetlights all the way back to my moms. the left? very few sidewalks more danger. i have taken both routes. but i took the left tonight. why? because i am tired of the easy way tired of always relying on others for myself.

i passed under other bridges. and thought what i might say if a homeless person were to talk to me. i had one of my favorite hooded sweatshirts on, but would have gladly said. i may be cold for another hour, but if you aren't cold for another night then i want this for you.

what am i? i fucking don't know. but things like this tonight make me think different.

!2:10

today my day involved something pleasant. i went to class. i never go to class. maybe it was the promise of a free lunch that made me want to go. or the thrill of another crazy day with kat. i also did not nap. it's kind of crazy that i am still awake even.

tonight consisted of the plot to take 3-dimax glasses and the execution of such plot. buy tickets for one movie, sneak into another. it was definitely a great adventure. it worked superb and it was a decent movie. i love comedies, but this one was almost a romantic comedy and that i don't know was worth it. i love funny shit and love. that's who i am. what of it?

!2:10

100

I started this blog in august of 2007. It was called 12:10 because I was born at 12:10 and mao died at 12:10am, while I was born at 12:10pm. It started out as just 12:10 but as my errors became evident. It became !2:10. I have no idea why, but ill never change it.
My posts in 2007, consisted of many politically motivated things. Whether it was the war, or things such as 9/11. I suggest you read these 3 first posts and either watch the two documentaries or read the first blog to which I was motivated. I am a poli sci major, was I devoted? At a time yes. Am I now? Doubtful. Do I miss it? Yes. Will I change that? I have no clue.
2008 brought many reviews of songs, looking back on my life in the past and other things. While 2008 was not necessarily a bad year, it was a year full of changes. And those changes made me who I am right now.
2009 I think 2009 as a hole was spent trying to find my place in life. Am I there? Fuck no. many things happened to me, new jobs relationships ending, moving alone. Things like that. I had 16 posts in 2009, with not much having a type of content I am happy about.
2010. I have had nearly 50 posts since the beginning of the year. I love that. I love that I now use this blog regularly. And while most people don’t read it, I write it and that is all that matters.

Trends: many posts involve music, tv shows, or movies. I have loved my reviews of these things. Will it make me through life? Doubtful.
What have I learned?: that life fucking sucks at time’s man. And while my life is nowhere shitty like it once was it still sucks at times.
My dreams: again no fucking idea. My American dream, to love someone with all my heart. To have a family to come home to every night have my kids waiting to hug me as I run through the door to see them hug them pick them up in my arms kiss them and tell them I love them. Everything else, I don’t care much about. Yes I need a job to support them, but im fine with being miserable at this job if everyday I can come home and be happy. This is all I ever want in life. A family. I never realized that until my niece was born. I can sit and see a photo of her and almost cry out of happiness. I want that to be my moment and mine only. Will this happen? I fucking hope so.
My life: my life is ever changing. One day I am happy, one day I am not. What is constant is that I have a heart, and I love my family. They never hear that, and I get that but that is just me. I love living in Ypsilanti. I will never move back home. This has been the biggest thing I have realized as of late. My life is here. My home is where I make it. My mom will always love me no matter where I move, and while my niece and nephew wouldn’t understand as young people. They would as the years went by. Where do I want to move to? Fuck if I know. Will I move? Fuck if I know. Will I cry if I move? Of course. Will I miss everyone? Yes.
So what is in the cards for rob/bob lees? I have no idea. But for all that read, thanks. For new readers. Thanks. This blog is a way to tell my life in a way that people may never see in a normal environment. Friends, family, acquaintances thank you for making me, me.

ps i searched all my current photos for a perfect photo. this is the best i have. my first day in ypsi with the 2 people i love most in the world.
!2:!0

99 blogs and a bitch is a lot of them (not a derogatory sense)

i really am having a hard time with words tonight. i have plenty of thoughts. way more than i could ever fathom. so ill do my best to say them correctly.
i needed songs to listen to as i write it. jack's mannequin came to mind.
why you ask? because jm symbolizes what i have done after the htp. soco was the htp. while i still love soco more, i realize that jm is where they are because of the shit andrew went through, i cannot hate them for it.

it is hard to really put my love life or lack there of in a blog anymore. confusion is my one word to say on it.

what do i want? maybe not now but soon. i want love. i want love that wont be a struggle, i want someone that i wont have to adjust most things for. small things are ok. but just i donno, i want love. i really do. maybe i am not ready for it but let me decide it.

i'm not ready for kids because of my job situation, and monetary one. but do i wish i could have them? hell yes!
it doesn't help when i see a photo of my niece and i almost cry because i am so happy to see her.

i feel the 100th blog. will be that of a reflection on the first 100 blogs. it is only right. ill start on it now

!2:10

few days

confused as of late, and hoping to finally get the 4 main things in my life going all well for once.
friends
family
work
love

i have 3 going well. would love the 4th to be in there on a regular basis though.


!2:10

i have said this before. but this week has been the best in a really long time. i've summarized it earlier. but tonight was great. great friends, great talks, great conversations. just great. why has it taken me almost 3.5 months to realize that this year is mine. i said in my first post that it could be my year. to finally blossom. after two months, i just didnt think it would be. but i guess in some ways, when one hits what they think is the bottom. they can only go up. so maybe that's me.

this evening, someone i knew asked what i have been up to. i said my usual "just living the dream" they asked what dream was that. i couldn't give them an answer.

why i couldn't? because at my age and as a male, my dreams are weird. i want to grow up. get married. have some amazing kids. come home every day, thinking. wow i made it. waking up every day next to the most beautiful girl to me. me waking up next to her asking myself, she chose me. secretly i will laugh to myself, but deep down am so happy. i can have the shittiest job in the world, but as long as i can come home every day and see the people who mean most to me, ill be a good guy.

everyone says i need to find my purpose. i really hope to find it.

!2:10

tonight i went home. an to be honest, not to see everyone or anyone but to pick up my laundry. nights like this make me realize why i come home. it started with a simple dinner from carlos which if anyone knows me is heaven. my mother and i then went to see ethan and lilah. i never can see my niece and nephew enough. tonight i got to have lilah with me for over an hour. which is so amazing and lovable. after i was dropped off at a local watering hole. i met ian, one of my oldest friends, and many others i have known through the years. a few minutes later i was able to see marina and toni. marina i have known as much as ian and have always remained friends despite anything. toni is not someone i have always been friends with. it was like getting dice-k for the redsox a few years ago. noone know of her and i gobbled her up. and this was the never the correct way, but we went to homecoming freshman year. through my ex's and mine only we did not remain friends. her marina, and ellie are people i love to mess with the most. it makes me laugh because they know me so well. i miss all of that but understand it always.

we ended up at b-dubs where i played such songs as party in the usa and tubthumper. we went to fritts where i wanted to go most often. i got to see michelle. if anyone reads anything michelle is my border's i respect so much of her opinions and everything. she said she'd take me home eventually. a pleasant surprise i must say.


overall this week, this night have been great.
my weeks always fucking suck. if you read any of my latest posts you would know.
but is it wrong to finally thunk everything doesnt suck?

!2:!0

dad, i love you.

the work week, the school week.

everything is pretty much done for the week for me. i have a few things due for my online classes by friday and saturday respectively. but tonight is the first night i have been home and been able to grasp life. i drank about a pint of rum before i went out this evening. it was very odd to have dan come out. i had asked him earlier to come out.he declined but was able to ride his bike out this way. i also got to see casie. casie in the past 2 weeks has become a lot closer to me despite being thousands of miles a way. when i heard she was coming i quickly put on a tie and a suit jacket that clearly did not fit. i was very happy to see her, and she clearly knows this. they left soon after and i hung out for a little.

i finally got to go to my pier, i hadnt been there in a few weeks, almost a month. it was great to get back there. i truly can say i miss that spot and cannot wait until the weather becomes warm, and i can take off my shoes and walk across that pier from the bottom. i have a picture in my head of me holding my sandals looking straight ahead and from the back someone taking a photo of me. or me looking down and someone taking a photo from the pier itself.

i am going home tomorrow. i haven't been home since my arrest, well home for more than an hour or two. tomorrow i plan on seeing friends, family and making my return to mt. clemens. i will be more restrained this time around, and will be with a good group of people to say the least. i plan on going to one place and one place only. and why? because i like the people who surround me at that place.

i never mention her but i met someone named michelle months ago. the only reccollection i have of her until recently is her playing freebird. but i have grown to know her as one of the best sources for music, movies, and books. to say the least she is my personal borders. and i am truly happy for that.

this week has been decent thus far. i am excited for once.

!2:10

i am pretty sure that the first five demos that were able to be downloaded free of charge on straylight run's website about 5 years ago can help anyone relate to anyone's breakup no matter how hard or easy it is.

with such lyrics as "so we drove, for what seemed like days. over roads and 4 lane highways. we said all we needed to say and i realize in time that it didn't mean anything"

i just think their demos are the best thing they ever did.

!2:10

my first day of work was, well pretty damn easy. i know not all nights will be like this, but it was something very new to me. going to a place. doing what needs to be done, then leaving regardless of the time.

i was able to hold down, the majority of a small meal today. that is the first time in maybe a week or two. so today was pretty decent in that regard.

still adjusting to everything else though.

my mom is coming to visit on tuesday. i am really hoping she brings my niece, i really wish i could see her more often. i don't want to be away from her while she grows up but can't help but put myself before my family. maybe i am selfish in that regard, but i feel like i would have far more problems in life if i was living at home. we'll see.

!2:10

b-tons

so it looks like after 2 weeks buttons is finally leaving. it is bittersweet. i have grown to love this little guy. i like hanging out with him and his full ball of hair. it also makes me feel like when he leaves will i be bored and ever more alone than before? i have no clue. i need something i think, something good for once.

!2:10

tonight

tonight i come, not depressed not sad not anything. not happy not overjoyed. just as i am. i have started to think of everyone in my life who truly cares of me. the usual, mother, brother even sister-in-law. but lately i've come to realized that my group of friends are the best for me. i have people that i can almost be with every day of the week. people that no matter what state of mind i am in will take care of me and talk to me. these people i could not be more greatful for. it has taken me a long time to realize my group of friends can be my family. i have a family. i have the lees family and the krasicki family. granted i always identify with the lees family. i still don't feel at times like i belong. the krasicki family, i never go to the reunion's i never remember who all of them are. everything like that. in a few blogs ago i wrote of my uncle who was 98, that was on my mom's side. still have no realization who everyone is and what they are to my life. lately i have started to reidentify with the lees family. it has been years since my absence. i come around every few, and leave much like i came. everything is weird at times. i want to be close but how do i bring back what i may have had in the past? my brother is clearly the family man. always has been around, always will be. me on the other hand left as soon as i could. and will never live there again. i just dont see myself having a family in a town that although my childhood was never bad, that it still has memories that i don't want to bring back. i donno i want to be home more often, but at times i just can't. life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is all i want.

!2:10

oddly enough, i'm on my way.

lots of thoughts in my head. but nothing to say.

i've decided that i need to stop cryptic posts whether here or on facebook. it seems that it is doing more harm than good. the girl always knows who she is even though she has never brought it up. i think i need to move on, but id be wrong to say that all of me wants to move on. we'll see.

!2:10

what is home?

i feel really bad for what i have always put my mother through. ever since i can remember she has been my dependent. i moved away, did my best to stay afloat. but through dead end jobs and everything else i have wanted to depend on her more often than not. someday, if i make it that far. i will repay her for everything. i moved away 3 years ago. my mom's house isn't small by any means but is big enough to have at least two kids. she has brough up that she wants to sell it eventually. is it wrong that even if i go home every month or 2 that i am so torn about it? it is in no doubt too big for one person. but her living somewhere else makes me cry. me driving home, and once i get to the dirt road thinking wow i have done so much shit on this road. or when i get home and the constant reminders of what i used to be. who i used to be. i cannot say that i do not miss my childhood home. but i will never miss the hurt that comes with it. for god sakes, i heard my dad dying in the next room. i just am scared, that if she sells that ill lose what i have of my father. it took nearly 5 years to go back to the memory that serves me back to my father. if that were ever to go, and i could not go there i think i wouldn't know who i am. there has always been thoughts of not going there. economy, tourism what have you, but i think at this point if i could not look forward to my yearly ritual with family and new generations that i would die inside. i feel like the majority of me is dead inside. that if i didn't have that anymore that i don;t know what i'd do. i want to bring my kid to hessel. to the cabins i stayed in. i want my son to be the one that holds 3 fish. i just want life to pick up. i just don't want to be lonely. will i be lonely? chances are probably not. but i want to be a dad. and lately that is all i think about. i want my kid to play with jamie's kid. i want robert a lees jr to live. if my brother cannot carry on the name of christopher wallace lees, then i made a pact to have my son be that. we cannot leave my father alone. the last time i was even remotely by my father was a year or 2 ago. i was wasted, but the next day was father's day. my mom picked me up at the fron of the building. someone brought me there. and someone wants me here. who is it? why am i here? i;ll always wonder.

.

i wish you were in my life more. you make me happy.

!2:10

sia

everyday i listen to music. everyday i hear songs, some i love some i hate. some i never want to listen to again. but have you ever wanted to make a playlist for someone, and when it comes down to it you just can't? that there are so many songs that mean so much to you that you love with your heart. that instead of 1 cd it turns into 10 soon 20? i am in that juncture right now. i've never wanted to make a cd so perfect for someone. it's really weird. i had a few different lists going. last night i deleted them all. i have no idea what i am doing here. with anything. not just music. honestly, what is life?

!2:10

conclusions.

i have thought about it the last few days/ nights. and i want to do locks of love. but i want to give it to my friend's mom. she has battled through cancer ever since i have known her. i want to give her my hair.

!2:10

march

today marks the beginning of what i hope is a spectacular month. february was good in very few regards, in which by now those have all been known in past blogs. march brings the beginning of a new job. midnights at a meijer merchandising and shit like that. it marks st. patty's day which i have a feeling this year will be the best one yet. it also marks a few good concerts that i hope i am still able to attend. i just hope what happened in february can be put behind me, and am able to move on. it may be hard at first much like it always is. we'll see what this may become. but i hope to break the 100 blog mark by the ends of the month.

!2:10

what have i become?

do u ever look into the mirror, and not recgconize the person in there? i don't tend to look into mirrors often, but realistaclly i have done that. i live life without a purporse. some days i sleep for 10 hrs, sometimes 5, sometimes 15. what am i? i have no fucking idea. i'm a bad friend at times. i've come to realize that. i don't do a lot of the things that benefit others because i am lazy. but then again somethings id do anything for anyone. it's a very confusing brain fuckage that i have had as of late. i don't really have one event that has brought this on, but more so a chain of events probably. i probably drink too much these days. but it fills a void. a void of not dealing with everything. and honestly, i am not upset that i can't deal with this stuff. call it imiturity call it alcoholism call it what you want. ever think that maybe people need extra things just to live? i think i fall in that category. i do take things every day. and honestly until recently those things worked perfectly, the worked fine. i was a drone. i couldn't cry, i couldn't be upset or angry. but now i don't know maybe i need something heavier with zoloft. i'm sick of being upset all the time. not being able to eat, not being able to sleep without something. throwing up almost daily and having nothing to throw up is getting dull. when i do eat it isn't anything special. never a complete meal. all of this could stem from unemployment. from not having any money whatsoever to even by something small like gas. or having friends always put out money for you, because tehy know u can't pay for shit yourself. i start a new job this week. it's something i've done in the past but never it being just my job. now ill be working from 9pm until 5-6 am. i'm up until this time almost daily anyways, and while it will take time to adjust i am relatively excited to start this. i fear though that ill have to sacrafice somethings like sleep in order to live a decent life. i don't like missing things and hope that schedule conflicts won't hurt this situation a lot. or even at all. i just want things to fall in place. many people say they fall in place as they are intended. and this may be true but it remains to be seen. i thought jamie's kid being born would be amazing. but it didn't happen the way i really thought it would. and maybe that's getting me down. or maybe it's just living a life here, that is filled with lies and deceptions for people who know me back home. i just hope things change.

!2:10

today, maybe tomorrow.

today was a terrible day by even my standards. many things went wrong. first i woke up at about 11am sick and hungover. which is totally my fault with double tall rum and cokes. i tried to go back to sleep for a few hrs but couldn't fall back asleep. then with a mixup of times i got dropped off to my car. and the key wouldn't turn in the ignition. had to call aaa and wiat about an hour and a half. thankfully i got to go inside a warm house for a while. then once the truck gets there he does the only thing i havent done and gets it started. i had ordered jimmy johns and by the time it got to me i realized i ordered the wrong sub. i did some training from work and wished i could have finished it. but i didn't i got home finally about 730-8ish and needed sleep to feel a little better. i woke up at 9pm and got out of bed to go to kill the keg VIII. i was out of it and really didn't drink that much. got home and still feel like shit. i need my body to feel better. it sucks for everything to feel like shit and i don't know just want good things.
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death. life. what is it really?

so tonight, as i came home alone. i have started to apologize to people. people have so less recccolections than what i do. yet i still feel bad. realistically, i was a fucking piece of shit in high school and middle school. if i didn't like u you knew it. i want to make things right. maybe it is too late, maybe it is not. but when you go to a death of a 98 yr old, and people are still there that aren't just family, i want that to be me. maybe i won't make it there. maybe i won't make to even thirty. but as i went to a funeral of a 98 year old uncle or cousin, i knew some of my family. i made it so i didn't talk to them. i just sat in the back. listening watching. my mother finally sat next to me saying "sorry i wanted to say hi to everyone" it's not the family i clearly talk to often. but i was there. i've been a ghost to my family for the past decade. even if it is the family i don't talk to often. but ill always be there at a funeral. my mother used to go to them so often i could count. i go there, family or not. and i sit in the back. i don't say hi to anyone that doesn't say hi to me first. often times it is before my brother gets there. typically it is my brother they know more than me and i am simply "remember this guy". it sucks, but that is how i have always been. i value family. i really do but to me my brother has always been the golden child. when i had the chance to move i did it. why? because i didn't have to live in the shadow, instead of my mom going o he couldn't come it would be moreso he couldn't come into town. look i love my family i really do. but it is often times hard for me to connect with them when it has been so long since i last did. in the lees family i have ryan. he always watched us, i was always an asshole even as a little kid. he has his family and i see little of him. it is like that with my cousin fred too. i wish i could see them more. but is it wrong for me to think that i have lost so much touch with them that i have no idea where to begin? seeing uncle harry tonight at 98, made me think wow why the fuck didn't i know him better. i see my uncle pete. will smith ears, i barely remember him because i am never around. but secretly, i want to know his life. i want to write everything about it. i never will have the guts to do so but i wish i could. i wish i could know the lives of so many others because it would take me away from my life.

?

my uncle passed away. maybe he was a cousin to which we called an uncle. he was 98. in 98 years of a life, one can't help all the stories he went through. if 98 or like 88 yrs ago he could have a blog. would you want to read it? i hope if i ever make it to 98, 88, 78, 68, 58, 48, 38, or even 28 that people when i die can read everyhting i ever had to write. i remember in 8th grade writing a letter to myself and it said "i hope you make it to read this in 12th grade." i read it as a senior and my heart dropped. death is such a crazy fucking thing in life. i've never been afraid to die. death has never scared me. alls i know that when i go, i do not want a struggle. or if i am a vegetable for lack of a better word. that i won't be revived. i've struggled through my life for as long as i remember. and if shit happens it does. i doubt i'll ever do anything to hurt myself physically again, but at time mental things hurt just as much. id love so much to be happy for years and years. i want so badly to have a child or two and take care of them. live past they were six, to show them what i always have missed. if i die tomorrow cool. but if i don't i want to be the most amazing father. for once i have never been scared of consequences of things i do. i just want to be happy at some point. today sucked tomorrow will suck thursday will suck. i wish that when shitty things came in threes that good things came in those as well.

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a day to remember.

today started like very few days ever do. woke up with a beautiful girl snuggled up on my couch. i got to go see my new nephew, and his wife acknowledged me as uncle bob. it was something that has happened with my sister-in-law but was a different feeling for me because of how close jamie and i are. i got to watch USA beat Canada which was probably one of the best games i have ever seen. i then got to see the cute girl again for a few hours and got to make her dinner and watch a movie. it was a good day.

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u are in my apartment sleeping on my couch and i couldn't be happier. i dont care if u wont sleep in my bed with me, but ull wake up next to me even if i am on the floor.

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a man named buttons.

i've never had to take care of an animal on my own. like literally ever. today an unique opportunity came up. an amazing friend who is vastly becoming more than i could ever imagination, asked me if i could watch her guinea pig for her. i said yes for sure. i've had him now for maybe 10 hours. and i have been gone most of them. but i couldn't wait until i got home to take him out of his cage and hang out with him. he is the coolest little guy, i've ever met. i never have these opportunities. and i got one. she cares for this guy more than most people and the fact she trusted him with me still baffles me. but also makes me think that someday i will be an amazing father. if i can take care of this little ball of hair like i do then having a kid will be the best thing in the world. i'm 23. but if tomorrow i was told i was going to have a kid, money aside i would be ecstatic. so you may thank me for taking care of him. but i thank you more so than you'll ever be able to know.

i've started to read exit here. this book is maybe one of the most amazing books a man could ever read. in 2 days i've read half of it. i never get that way with books.

it has also made me think so much of the book/movie into the wild. if you haven't seen it i suggest you do.
i want to make my trip as i have told in earlier blogs. every day that goes by i get angrier and angrier that i do not have the money to do so.
i've left home before and moved 60 minutes away. i think i could do it again despite everything that has happened since i moved here. almost done with school, a niece, a sister in law, an inherited nephew. it'd be hard to leave and i have tears as i write this. not many people read this.
i went home to clear my head, no avail. problems just became clearer there. i live here alone, and am surrounded by great people. but when you are sourrounded by everyone u can still feel all alone.

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tonight is the first night i am not taking anything chemical to sleep. i had a few pints but, for once nothing in my body.

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as i walked to my pier to clear my head today, i started to think of some things. i think when i start this new job i am going to save up some money. and when i have enough, i am going to disappear for a week or two weeks. i am only going to take my camera, some clothes, my wallet and my phone. my phone will only be used in emergencies and my camera will be the thing constant in my hand. ill also take every cd that i have to play it at a certain time. i do not know where ill end up on this trip. but i know that when i get where i am going ill know. what scares me is if i get to this place and never want to come back. could i leave everything behind? the answer is no. but i have no idea at this point.

i'm scared.

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valentine's day

valentine's day is a day in which i want to hate but can't help but not hate it. it's a day filled with an expression of love for someone, which should be given every day. except on this one day everyone is supposed to do it. i think why i am upset with today is because i don't have that right now. it is something i really want, i really want that void filled again in my life. it has been a very long time since i have wanted the void to be filled, literally more than a year. today was an odd day. after last evening i was up until about 7am. i went to be and woke back up at 1pm with many messages from family and friends showing their concern for a situation that they had no idea about. i easily left home by 2pm because i could not deal with it anymore. i got back in ypsi at 3ish then by 330 was sleeping until about 5 or 6. then woke up had a small sandwich and began reading exit here. then i decided to sleep again. maybe it is today, maybe it is what happened last night and although this was not my worst day ever, it was up there. i really hope tomorrow as well as this week will shape up to be better. i have a reason to wake up in the morning but i want more than just to breathe.

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today started off just like any other day. but it ended in such a different way that i could never imagine. while i was in jail for literally less than 2 hours, it was not something i liked. i've come to several conclusions. a. i need to drink less. b. when i do drink i need to be more restrained. while tonight was not something along the lines of me instigating a fight, it was more so how i ended it. i in no way think what i did was a good way to end the night. i punched a window, i have never been like that in my entire life. i have been angry, but never towards other property. i got punched in the head twice. and while i do not think that my actions were in any way justified. i am just simply disappointed in myself. i do not care to tell the story, although some of the parts are rather funny. i need to take these things more seriously. i am sorry to anyone i disappointed tonight, but most of all i disappointed myself. in the coming weeks i may drink but it will be far less and with far less consequences that can happen. sorry for anyone that had to deal with this.

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u don't know i have this, but u are beautiful. and even if u deny it, u are the only person that matters when u are around me. and i get nervous around u. it's a great feeling.

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to continue my last post, this is the end of big fish. and this man never knew his father and in my eyes i didn't either. and yet he is able to have this elaborate story to end this man's life that he has told that he didnt want anything to do with it for years. it is truly and amazing story, and i am in tears as i watch this.

things like this make me want and miss everything i have never had. someday i want this.

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so far tonight i have watched one full movie and that is "across the universe" you can find from my various facebook status' that it was based on the beatles. i love this movie because it tells a tale about love.

i am now watching big fish, which deals with love and an incredible imagination. the imagination is the biggest part of the story. there has never been a movie in which i had almost cried before it even began. the underlying story is of love and that's why i watch it. while i have an amazing imagination love is the thing i lack most. we have been through this a few blogs ago about my inability to tell the ones i love the truth.

someday i will concur this fear i have and i will in turn be able to tell the people i love most that i love them each and every day. when i have a kid or kids everyday before i leave for work i will tell them i love them. i will give them a kiss (which is something i cannot do on my own) and tell them i love them. because i know the value of love. i will love my children with everything, if it is birth defect, trouble, things i don't agree with, i will love them like my mother loves me. unconditionally. she will never see this post simply because she has no clue of this blog but knowing that everyone who reads this knows, is fine enough for me.

i can't wait to finish this movie tonight, i love it.

someday my life will be more perfect than anyone could ever imagine.

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homeward bound.

this has been probably the longest since i have ever been home. there is not one full reason as to why, but i just simply haven't made it home since christmas. ill be home this saturday, and although i've been asked to go to numerous places this weekend i simply cannot miss my nephew's birthday. last year was the first time i ever made it to one, and i am determined not to miss any more of them. it may not mean much to him now, but if i weren't there and then he grows up and i'm never around ill miss it. that's how i feel about my niece as well. everytime i come home i have to see them unless it has only been a few days. life is in an odd place right now. i just know that when i'm home this weekend ill be able to spend it with the people that mean a lot to my life even if i can't express it.
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the bucket list

so i have started a bucket list that i will now update every time a new idea comes into my head. in about 8 hours i have come up with 26 things. i will never tell anyone everything on my list, but i will tell some things to various people. i am really happy i started this list. it has taken me 23 years to figure that i want to do various things before i die. it'll be cliche that i wrote a list because of the new mtv series "the buried life" but i want to put my ideas to paper. so in the event i do one of these things i will write about it in this blog. so look forward to the coming days, weeks, months, years. i will also start posting photos that i believe are worthy. a lot of changes are coming up and i am excited.
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so as i sit down to watch "where the wild things are" for the second time in maybe a month i see it from a different perspective this time around. this first time i was well stoned out of my mind. this time i am completely sober. it is troubling to me that i was like max at this age, but never had the imagination. i really want to start watching more movies like this. recently i watched mr. magorium's wonder emporium and i enjoyed it thoroughly. it has been years since i have broken out such movies as finding nemo and monster's inc. the battle to grow up is always there. but movies like this make me happy i am still a kid at heart.

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everyone has their songs. when i die i want jesus christ to play by brand new. why? because the lyrics speak to my faith.

"jesus christ that's a pretty face, the kind you'd find on someone you could save."

there's other lyrics like that and they have always spoke to me.

i have said last night that there's one song that truly describes me.
it has taken 23 years 7 months and 6 days to find that song.

that song is flaws by the spill canvas. i really cannot think of any other song that makes me feel like that. it describes my way with women, my way with friends and what id do for true love.
it's clearly obvious that i've always wanted the nuclear family.
a wife a few kids a dog a white picket fence. those things.
but if anyone ever reads the great gatsby the american dream is so different. do i want the american dream? the answer is yes. but at what cost i do not know? if i could be happy with a wife that i could look into her eyes everyday tell her i love her and express my love through song instead of words, id be happy. i talk to people always, but it is so hard for me to express love, joy or feelings. realistically i never say i love my mom when we get off the phone, she says love u and i say you too. i have a hard time embracing friends with hugs unless i truly mean it and unless i truly want a hug between us. i've never hugged my sister-in-law and have told my brother i love him maybe 5 times in my life. i know this is not healthy, but i have no idea what true feelings are. the happiness i see in my niece and nephew is something different and i can kiss my niece tell her i love her but it is different. i don't come home often and i am sort of content with that, i never say i love you mom but it is something i wish i could say. my brother knows i love him, but it's so hard to embrace that. my aunt who has lived 2 streets away my entire life can say i love u, which is odd and has only happened a few times and i can say it back. but love honestly is so hard to say and express.

i only hope some day i can say i love someone and embrace that. because love is a beautiful thing, and although i think i have experienced it i know i really haven't and really want that. but have no idea how to express it.


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tonight was my usual walk home. i've begun to tell people about my place, but very few truly understand it. my coat wasn't warm enough to stay long. but i think from now on whenever i am stressed ill go there with a beer or two and just sit. i love having a great soundtrack for it, but even if there is no music ill be ok with that.

as many read last night i became angry. my left hand is really bruised and many know of it if they saw it. ive had advice from some to take my anger out in other ways. but as i said before there is nothing better than punching something and the pain being felt in your hands.

i'm at my apartment alone, again. but tonight i am not angry. tonight i am not happy. tonight i am not sad. tonight i am simply me.

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if u know me you know that every friday night i walk by the pier. tonight however, i felt way more different and as you walk from sidetracks there is a barricade. for the first time in my life i walked over the barricade alone. it was hard because well i am fat. but i sat underneath the pier for about 20 minutes. just listening to the words and sounds that the water gave to me. after a while i walked over the barrier and walked over to the other side. the other side was more snow felt but i found a place. i listened to that water. much like i do every friday, instead it was a thursday. i thought of jumping in despite it being freezing cold and it being the huron river.

tonight was a weird night, i was told by many i need to change my approach to women, and although it is hard to say, it has been nearly a year since i have experienced sex. people say i need to be an asshole more. but that truly is not me. most people that meet me see that in a way but i truly am not. i hate being labeled that and i've been labeled as heartless and it has truly hurt me more than words can ever explain.

i was an angry kid growing up. i can say that i hit my mother although it is really hard to admit. being without a father i felt my life as angry. since moving to ypsi far away from the problems deep in my heart i have had maybe a few uproar's. tonight was one of them. my left hand is killing right now. why was i angry? i really truly don't know. but seeing blood on my knuckles makes it less painfull. my right hand has always been a haven for cigarette burns. before tonight there were three. now there are 5. the are really close to the other three, but id rather have those than cut marks all over my arms. call that bad but i still have cut marks from maybe 10 years ago. id rather have these little circles to remind me that at one time i was depressed. granted they are not a good way to channel the anger or sadness i possess, but it's better than nothing. it is so rare in these past 3 years that i have gotten to this point and i am so happy for that. the lack of anger i now possess is so much different than what i ever thought would work. i have 3 ft holes in my walls in my room at home. and i hate that iwas so angry. i take the pills now and for the most part i am a drone. meaning i rarely cry i rarely get angry. but tonight, tonight i was angry. maybe for reasons relating to others but mostly because of me.

people will love or hate me for my problems. i can only hope that someone some day will love me for them, and not hate me.



i have my issues over anger and in the past few weeks those have come to know me.

i just want happiness.

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i want to start taking more risks and living each day like my last.

so nothing new to report.
wednesday hasn't been the best towards me. i got denied for unemployment.
i started to drink alone. and this is what i needed.
i talked to a friend that understands me like no one i can imagine. she knows exactly what i see or feel without telling her every detail.
life isn't amazing and nor is it worse ever.
but in the past few days i have come to something along the lines of everything happening for reasons. and that someone has a plan. i have been agnostic for so many years. i never not believed in a god. but still so unsure of what the purpose of everything is and what the american dream still is.

i can sit here and fight everything but the american dream is what i am after. it is what everyone is after. but what is the dream?

in other words, i need to read the great gatsby again.

3 weeks pot smoking free
almost 3 weeks of no fast food (not including pizza).
4 weeks of unemployment.
1 week of eating less than 2000 calories.

i think this is the most steps i have taken for a better life than anything i can ever remember.

don't know if or how much weight i have lost. but after walking around, i have noticed my pants are a lot looser. i jsut want my stomach to be less loose because i want to wear size large t-shirts once again

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drunk man's words a sober man's thoughts

have you ever had a certain phrase that always rings true to anything that has ever happened? although i drink a lot and am content with that one phrase has always maintained truthfulness. that is what the title of this blog is. there have been so many times in my life i have come home drunk at my mother's and begun to spit off everything in life. i think with all the drunk conversations i have had i could write a book. basically the last posts i have done are late at night when i have time to reflect on the days' events.

not much happened today except i got to see probably my best friend and his wife start to welcome their first child in life. it was only the baby shower. it was my first and i felt so awkward. but if it hadn't been that friend's baby shower or a select few i would not have attended. i woke up drunk this afternoon, after a long night of drinking. had to drive an hour for the shower and although when i got there i felt out of it. i also felt like it was something truly amazing. don't get me wrong i love my niece and her being born was simply amazing, but i am so much closer with my friend than my brother. it is odd but i feel like it is the same for him as well. i felt like if i hadn't gone today it would have been one of the worst things i have ever done. him and i both lost our fathers at too young of an age, and although it has come up maybe once in the existence of our friendship it doesn't need to. there's a mutual understanding that life sucks.

in my life there has been the absence of a best friend for plenty of years, but in the last one i have come content with calling him that.

it is one of those things that is sacred to me. i have a hard time telling my mom i love her. i have a hard time showing any affection even if it is a hug between mutual friends. i never initiate hugs, and rarely give a kiss on the check. it is such an odd thing for me to ever do that to anyone.

i've rambled too much for one night

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people have taught me that blogging under the influence is the best thing possible. i have known for many years that "a sober man's thought's are a drunk man's words."

lately i have written blogs less sober than usual. and tonight is one example. a good night, but when i walk home i tend to want to be alone. i walked with a good friend and although he walked by the pier with me, i felt empty to do that with someone else. no words can explain the disappointment felt, and the displeasing i told a great friend.

next week, ill be alone again and if i am not i will be severely disappointed much like i was tonight.

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faith.

there hasn't been a time in my life where religion has come up more. the majority of my friends are catholics. i was raised catholic at least to the point of making my confirmation. but lately things like certain saints and beliefs have come up to a point. this is where i will now state my beliefs and explain them in a way. i believe something created us. while i do believe there was something beyond any one god as told by evolution, i still think some god exists of some kind. but i do not believe in one god and one god only. i understand some beliefs of the minor but everchanging major religions in the world. and i agree to some aspects of them. there have been times in my life which i never share with anyone, which i will now share in which i knew there was something. my first example is in high school, i am unsure of the grade at which this occurred but know that i was mildly depressed. i remember crying on the desk that was once my father's and felt an arm around my back. like a pat that everything would be ok. i turned around and noone was there. also back in high school i would become upset fairly easily before i discovered zoloft. i lived close to jefferson which would take you to detroit. i remember one such instance in which i drove down to close to woodward, i drove via jefferson. as i knew where i was on woodward because woodward is to me the washtenaw or other common roads, i started driving on washtenaw to east bound 94. i was at a red light, i see a guy in my passenger side and he looks at me and tips his hat. i have never once been scared in detroit. many people i know are often scared but i have never. with that tip of the hat i got on eastbound 94 back to my home town. i could easily have taken woodward to big beaver, and taken that home completing a square. but i did not. things like that or certain things like go left go right don't go have always made me stop and think. i also think karma is real. recently i had an ex-girlfriend's mother's book sell on half.com. instead of pocketing the money which i thought or simply giving that money back to the ex, i instead cancelled the transaction. i just believe that if i took that money bad things would happen

if that isn't some sort of faith or belief then i do not know what it is.
i will safely say i am agnostic although if i had to gun to my head believe in something christianity would be it. i don't believe ill ever find one god to rule them all. i have my reasons because of various things that happen. but do i believe in something. yes. what it is? i have no idea. will i ever want to narrow it down? probably not.

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walks

as i walk home from the bar i tend to take everything in. tonight was a different setting as i was in downtown ypsilanti instead of depot town. as i walk home towards my apartment there are plenty of bars on the right. you find a crappy bar before you cross michigan avenue. this is where i first turned on music on my phone. as i walk across the street with snow around me falling on my jacket and head, i listen to eddie vedder "long nights" from into the wild. i see bars on my left pub 13 all those bars. i see a strip club with bright neon lights and i continue to walk. i walk to the parking lot and due to the lack of covering snow falls even more on me. Long nights has now ended and i turn to "sleeping sickness" by city and colour. i walk across the parking lot and notice that my footprints have never been there before due to the snow. i start to walk in a way i never have before. i make it my mindset to walk where noone has walked before. i get to the sidewalk turn behind me and see a stump, as well as cars either at the strip club or the bars. i smile and leave. i make my way to washtenaw, where i turn left en route to my apartment. sleeping sickness is now over and i turn on "waiting" by the same band. i notice footprints to the right of me. i make it to walk to the left and continue to walk watching every snow ridden step. i hear the snow crackling beneath my feet, and again think to myself i am the first person to walk this route. i make it to my mailbox, and know that i am once again home. home alone nonetheless but with a smile on my face, because i alone experienced this walk. and although people may walk this route, they will make a mis-walk at somepoint and this route will always be my own.

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two weeks and pot smoking free. it is a record for me. i have been asked several times throughout the 2 weeks to smoke but i decline. why? well there are a few reasons.
1. i need a job and most jobs require testing
2. i have no money, and pot always gives me the munchies.
3. i just haven't felt like it.

although, i haven't smoked i still feel at times like a void is there. while i do not intend to always smoke, i however think it is a decent and healthy part of my life.

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this last week and a half has been odd for me. i am faced with no job and a money supply running thin. i do not spend much money at the bar, but i tend to go out to them more often. the first few months of a single apartment were decent. but i am starting to get lonely, i have been in a funk lately. i tend to listen to acoustic music that is both depressing and amazing. i still hang out with friends but at times avoid it due to sleep. i need to get out of this funk and start being relatively happy together because tylenol pm can only get you through so much. i don't care who reads this. but whoever answers, what do u want to do before you die?

things

my name has changed due to the fact that i no longer want things to be associated with my real name. that gives the aurora of being anonymous among other things. it has been roughly one week since i have stopped smoking pot. i stopped smoking in hopes of getting a job and passing a drug test. i am not like most in that pot was never a gateway into other things but simply a gateway away from things. it hasn't been hard because most of my regular friends do not smoke. but i still crave it. i wish to smoke it again at another time once i get a job, but wont until then. i hope it is sooner rather than later, and while i was never addicted i do enjoy it as much as most other things.

i have begun to start a new workout regime which if you know me is not something i normally do. looking at myself in the mirror or just looking at my stomach i see lines i see stretch marks and i see the shell of what i used to be. it is sad to look and see old photos of when i was skinny or less fat depending on how u look at it. i just want to be a better person and want to be healthier not because it will make me look better, but for the strict fact that i never have cared about my body. my liver is probably shot from various liquors and over the counter medicines. but i want to be able to handle my kids some day.

i still take my little blue happy pill also known as zoloft although lately i have forgotten to take it. i know that i forget when i start to get emotional. i think this drug is amazing in that it makes me feel less, but is also bad becuase i am unable to cry. growing up i was able to cry on command. despite what people think, i am a very emotional person and have always been. once u get past this wall that i have put up since my move to ypsilanti u will see a very loving caring emotional guy who just wants to be loved. i hope that someone soon will care enough to get through that wall and see the true me.

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Music

many people often times say how music always touches their lives and how they cannot go a day without listening to some. i find that in myself more and more as the days go by. after the bar, ill come home to an empty apartment, and while i am not complaining i love to come home and turn onto some music. it is really odd that a certain version of one song i keep coming back to. that is the bonnaroo 2008 version of death cab for cutie's "transantlanticism." i may have not spelt that correctly but at this point in time i do not care in the slightest. i love this song. i think it is amazing and every version i listen to is amazing. but the bonnaroo version stands out because of the beginning. ben gibbard lead singer says "as the sun sets on bonnaroo, so does it for death cab for cutie. thanks for coming you guys." there are very few bands that i remember listening to for the first time. death cab is one of those few. and i cannot help but love this song and almost all of their songs. i hope to one day see them with someone special and look into her eyes as i serenade her with ben's amazing lyrics. that is all i have to write for now.

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