cut it out

Finally doing something i should have done months ago. Cutting people in my life out that shouldnt be in it. They just drag me down, so why keep them around. Stay tuned for more changes soon.

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the last two episodes of how i met your mother were extremely sad. it took a direction that i had no idea would ever take place. it is so light hearted that i never expected it. it was a good change of pace but was also sad.

the wings game last saturday was amazing to say the least. so much fun and it is awesome to see how so many different groups of people mesh so well with others. it's pretty sweet.

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you.

Whenever i get a glinpse of what my life could be like with you in it permanently i get happy. The though reality is that ill never get that experience no matter what i do.
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a mirror

so yesterday morning i went to go to the bathroom. did my usual, and washed my hands. i looked in the mirror above my sink. i looked in that mirror and didn't recognize myself. it was a weird thing to fathom. i have never looked in the mirror like that. finally i did. did i like what i saw? no. did i wonder where my life was? yes. did i hate the person in the mirror? no but i don;t like that guy. i am not happy any longer. people can see that. it sucks but that is me.

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new year..

a new year should usually constitute resolutions. do i have some? sort of. i will tell them...
1. take better care of my body
~~~~~~i never take care of it. i don't do heavy drugs, just pot and alcohol but i used to take a lot of nyquil and others. i am an angry person at heart and it comes out from time to time. my pinky and my ring finger on my writing hand are permanently messed up. and while i know it is all my fault if i get pissed i still use that hand. it isnt a means to an end by anyways. but it helps at time and chills me out.
2.i need to figure out what i want in life
~~~~~~i have a general outline of what i want, it is never anything specific. trughtfully i have no way to fathom what i want to do in life. i have no clue. logistics sounds decent, an easy job. but i know ill get bored like everything. but then again if i get a challenging job ill rise up and people will have expectations and then ill meet them and go beyond then fall back down. i dont want that. realistically, i wouldn't mind being a politician but i don't want my past involved. i have so much stupid/weird shit that would come out and i don't want or need that for my family. i have never been a perfect citizen and probably never will be. but i dont need that public. my mother goes through enough of my shit i don't need her to redeal with it, as well as my brother nephew sister in law and niece. i keep away from politics because of the things that can be uncovered. while it isnt terrible, i still jsut dont want my family to go through it. they have dealt with so much from me and i am only 24.


so far this year has sucked, nothing has realistically gone right in my eyes. people are changing, and i hate change. i know it is for the better in some regards but i hate it.

school has started for people still at emu, and truthfully i am bored. i don't do shit ever. and i hate it at least when i "had" class id go occasionally and stress about it throughout the week. that stress is gone. and the reality of me needing a fulltime job to follow the american dream scares me. the american dream is fucked up, but i don't want anything but that.

and lately, ive just been thinking more and more about life. it sucks.

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