fear

over the past year i have very rarely been happy. this past week i have smiled on the inside for once. i have started to become the guy i wish i always was. happy and just lovable. i am tired of the hurt the pain that i always feel. finally this is starting to fade. my left hand has full range of motion my hand isn't swollen and i am smiling. i am so scared it wont stay up. i really am. i just want to be happy i love being happy i love just loving someone for loving me. i want this i truly do. ill do anything to make it work. i just want it to.

!2:!0

a trip home

This week has been nothing short of amazing. I needed this so incredibly bad. Ive just been extremely happy and i dont want this to end. A large part of me never wants to go back to ypsi. It is funny how ive run away from being back this way, but now i feel like im running away from ypsi. I miss it though, but again a large part wants me to stay but i know i have to.
!2:10

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.2

thanksgiving

Ill be heading home within the next twelve hours for the next 4 nights and five days. Theres so much that i need to be caught up on when im home. I am unsure if you could say i miss being home or not but i do have an itch to be home for a bit. I miss my family at times but realize that they are better off if i make monthly trips. They dont need to see me as i am right now. I know they have an idea of whats been going on but i doubt they truly grasp it much like they did when i was living there. Im scared of my future in this life. Schools ending and then i have no idea. Ive been in school for 18 yearsish and now thats done and im supposed to be a grown up. I dont know if i can. Only time will tell.
!2:10

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.2

weedish

so i've had to stop smoking the usual green to pass a drug test coming up. it has ben a day and a half. i have come to the following conclusions in just a day and a half;

1.if i dont smoke but i drink i am less drunk and less likely to blake out. i had a pint of admiral and 6 beers tonight.
2.i am a lot more irritable if i don't smoke.
3.i get headaches when i do not smoke.
4.i miss smoking

most people are more lazy, get the munchies, become slower, yada yada.
i do not normally get that way. it has become a daily ritual with me. i am almost always stoned. but i do not have any desire to do any other drug, i function normally on it.

if we go with the irritable thing, it just helps me chill out. i need chilling out. i take 50mg of zoloft daily, and while this helps me i do not feel like it helps me like green does. i like it i enjoy it. i will do it if i can, there's plenty worse i could be doing

!2:10

nov 7th, 1992

in the past two years i have been able to be alone for this moment. i have dreaded it for the past 2-3 weeks. dad, i fucking miss you man. there are few stories i hear, except that you just loved to fuck with everyone. dude that is totally me, any question by someone gets a smart ass remark. your wife, my mom....best woman in the world. after you were gone she had to take control it was so hard for her, she ended up geting zoloft which a family as a whole became happier.

i can't type anything more.
i love you
!2:10

rickets.

today marks his 28th birthday. this guy is my brother. this guy is always there. im not where he is in life but fuck man someday i hope to be half the person he is. i gave a speech at his wedding to which i have no recollection of it. but i give it like i think, that this man was like a father. i've left but he still watches me grow up. this man is nothing short of my father. always stronger than i always there despite anything. this guy is awesome. hes an asshole like me and when we see eachother, it makes it that much better. i have nothing better to say to him than thank you. thanks for being there.

!2:10