april in the d

today is the first day of april.
what does april have in store?
opening day baseball
playoff hockey
warm weather
shorts
and in 3 months ill be 24.

today i will be starting off my month properly. a wings game with free tickets and an evening with kat. it should be a lot of fun, i want a puck hat. because ill look awesome in it.

friday is the good friday lacrosse game. alumni game, i cant wait it should be amazing. i cant wait to get back out there, but fear my feet wont be able to work properly because last weekend i walked home in sandals and my feet constantly hurt as i walk.

this weekend is also easter.

i am babbling.

!2:10

the htp.

everyone knows that when i come home to visit my mom i always want to go out. hit the bars, see my friends. tonight was no different. however, after all my old friends left i was able to hang out with newer friends or just a friend. for all intensive purposes the bar was closed, however michelle could not leave. i stayed. hung out and talked. we have talked plenty, facebook style or over drinks. but never like one on one about everything. the conversation got cut short, however it was near the beginning of the conversation when she asked how i was getting home i simply said, dont worry about it. i love when people do not press for details at times but at others do.

i simply left the bar and began my walk home. in mt clemens there is the water front and a small bridge under a bridge for walking that can go for as long as i could see. i simply went underneath the bridge, i had a tshirt that someone made me for the super bowl on. i had another over that to which i had just bought. i took the under shirt off. and left it on the bridge. why? i have no idea, but at times things compel you to do things. and this was it. maybe there were the homeless sleeping. maybe there werent the shirt said who dat? and had the new orleans saints logo on it. maybe someone will come up to it and see it and go i want this. maybe it will get shredded. do i care? not in the slightest. will it make a difference? maybe maybe not. but if for one minute someone could just ask why, why did someone leave this here. then ill be ok with that.

there was a fork in the road. this is how i looked at it. going to the right, sidewalks streetlights all the way back to my moms. the left? very few sidewalks more danger. i have taken both routes. but i took the left tonight. why? because i am tired of the easy way tired of always relying on others for myself.

i passed under other bridges. and thought what i might say if a homeless person were to talk to me. i had one of my favorite hooded sweatshirts on, but would have gladly said. i may be cold for another hour, but if you aren't cold for another night then i want this for you.

what am i? i fucking don't know. but things like this tonight make me think different.

!2:10

today my day involved something pleasant. i went to class. i never go to class. maybe it was the promise of a free lunch that made me want to go. or the thrill of another crazy day with kat. i also did not nap. it's kind of crazy that i am still awake even.

tonight consisted of the plot to take 3-dimax glasses and the execution of such plot. buy tickets for one movie, sneak into another. it was definitely a great adventure. it worked superb and it was a decent movie. i love comedies, but this one was almost a romantic comedy and that i don't know was worth it. i love funny shit and love. that's who i am. what of it?

!2:10

100

I started this blog in august of 2007. It was called 12:10 because I was born at 12:10 and mao died at 12:10am, while I was born at 12:10pm. It started out as just 12:10 but as my errors became evident. It became !2:10. I have no idea why, but ill never change it.
My posts in 2007, consisted of many politically motivated things. Whether it was the war, or things such as 9/11. I suggest you read these 3 first posts and either watch the two documentaries or read the first blog to which I was motivated. I am a poli sci major, was I devoted? At a time yes. Am I now? Doubtful. Do I miss it? Yes. Will I change that? I have no clue.
2008 brought many reviews of songs, looking back on my life in the past and other things. While 2008 was not necessarily a bad year, it was a year full of changes. And those changes made me who I am right now.
2009 I think 2009 as a hole was spent trying to find my place in life. Am I there? Fuck no. many things happened to me, new jobs relationships ending, moving alone. Things like that. I had 16 posts in 2009, with not much having a type of content I am happy about.
2010. I have had nearly 50 posts since the beginning of the year. I love that. I love that I now use this blog regularly. And while most people don’t read it, I write it and that is all that matters.

Trends: many posts involve music, tv shows, or movies. I have loved my reviews of these things. Will it make me through life? Doubtful.
What have I learned?: that life fucking sucks at time’s man. And while my life is nowhere shitty like it once was it still sucks at times.
My dreams: again no fucking idea. My American dream, to love someone with all my heart. To have a family to come home to every night have my kids waiting to hug me as I run through the door to see them hug them pick them up in my arms kiss them and tell them I love them. Everything else, I don’t care much about. Yes I need a job to support them, but im fine with being miserable at this job if everyday I can come home and be happy. This is all I ever want in life. A family. I never realized that until my niece was born. I can sit and see a photo of her and almost cry out of happiness. I want that to be my moment and mine only. Will this happen? I fucking hope so.
My life: my life is ever changing. One day I am happy, one day I am not. What is constant is that I have a heart, and I love my family. They never hear that, and I get that but that is just me. I love living in Ypsilanti. I will never move back home. This has been the biggest thing I have realized as of late. My life is here. My home is where I make it. My mom will always love me no matter where I move, and while my niece and nephew wouldn’t understand as young people. They would as the years went by. Where do I want to move to? Fuck if I know. Will I move? Fuck if I know. Will I cry if I move? Of course. Will I miss everyone? Yes.
So what is in the cards for rob/bob lees? I have no idea. But for all that read, thanks. For new readers. Thanks. This blog is a way to tell my life in a way that people may never see in a normal environment. Friends, family, acquaintances thank you for making me, me.

ps i searched all my current photos for a perfect photo. this is the best i have. my first day in ypsi with the 2 people i love most in the world.
!2:!0

99 blogs and a bitch is a lot of them (not a derogatory sense)

i really am having a hard time with words tonight. i have plenty of thoughts. way more than i could ever fathom. so ill do my best to say them correctly.
i needed songs to listen to as i write it. jack's mannequin came to mind.
why you ask? because jm symbolizes what i have done after the htp. soco was the htp. while i still love soco more, i realize that jm is where they are because of the shit andrew went through, i cannot hate them for it.

it is hard to really put my love life or lack there of in a blog anymore. confusion is my one word to say on it.

what do i want? maybe not now but soon. i want love. i want love that wont be a struggle, i want someone that i wont have to adjust most things for. small things are ok. but just i donno, i want love. i really do. maybe i am not ready for it but let me decide it.

i'm not ready for kids because of my job situation, and monetary one. but do i wish i could have them? hell yes!
it doesn't help when i see a photo of my niece and i almost cry because i am so happy to see her.

i feel the 100th blog. will be that of a reflection on the first 100 blogs. it is only right. ill start on it now

!2:10

few days

confused as of late, and hoping to finally get the 4 main things in my life going all well for once.
friends
family
work
love

i have 3 going well. would love the 4th to be in there on a regular basis though.


!2:10

i have said this before. but this week has been the best in a really long time. i've summarized it earlier. but tonight was great. great friends, great talks, great conversations. just great. why has it taken me almost 3.5 months to realize that this year is mine. i said in my first post that it could be my year. to finally blossom. after two months, i just didnt think it would be. but i guess in some ways, when one hits what they think is the bottom. they can only go up. so maybe that's me.

this evening, someone i knew asked what i have been up to. i said my usual "just living the dream" they asked what dream was that. i couldn't give them an answer.

why i couldn't? because at my age and as a male, my dreams are weird. i want to grow up. get married. have some amazing kids. come home every day, thinking. wow i made it. waking up every day next to the most beautiful girl to me. me waking up next to her asking myself, she chose me. secretly i will laugh to myself, but deep down am so happy. i can have the shittiest job in the world, but as long as i can come home every day and see the people who mean most to me, ill be a good guy.

everyone says i need to find my purpose. i really hope to find it.

!2:10

tonight i went home. an to be honest, not to see everyone or anyone but to pick up my laundry. nights like this make me realize why i come home. it started with a simple dinner from carlos which if anyone knows me is heaven. my mother and i then went to see ethan and lilah. i never can see my niece and nephew enough. tonight i got to have lilah with me for over an hour. which is so amazing and lovable. after i was dropped off at a local watering hole. i met ian, one of my oldest friends, and many others i have known through the years. a few minutes later i was able to see marina and toni. marina i have known as much as ian and have always remained friends despite anything. toni is not someone i have always been friends with. it was like getting dice-k for the redsox a few years ago. noone know of her and i gobbled her up. and this was the never the correct way, but we went to homecoming freshman year. through my ex's and mine only we did not remain friends. her marina, and ellie are people i love to mess with the most. it makes me laugh because they know me so well. i miss all of that but understand it always.

we ended up at b-dubs where i played such songs as party in the usa and tubthumper. we went to fritts where i wanted to go most often. i got to see michelle. if anyone reads anything michelle is my border's i respect so much of her opinions and everything. she said she'd take me home eventually. a pleasant surprise i must say.


overall this week, this night have been great.
my weeks always fucking suck. if you read any of my latest posts you would know.
but is it wrong to finally thunk everything doesnt suck?

!2:!0

dad, i love you.

the work week, the school week.

everything is pretty much done for the week for me. i have a few things due for my online classes by friday and saturday respectively. but tonight is the first night i have been home and been able to grasp life. i drank about a pint of rum before i went out this evening. it was very odd to have dan come out. i had asked him earlier to come out.he declined but was able to ride his bike out this way. i also got to see casie. casie in the past 2 weeks has become a lot closer to me despite being thousands of miles a way. when i heard she was coming i quickly put on a tie and a suit jacket that clearly did not fit. i was very happy to see her, and she clearly knows this. they left soon after and i hung out for a little.

i finally got to go to my pier, i hadnt been there in a few weeks, almost a month. it was great to get back there. i truly can say i miss that spot and cannot wait until the weather becomes warm, and i can take off my shoes and walk across that pier from the bottom. i have a picture in my head of me holding my sandals looking straight ahead and from the back someone taking a photo of me. or me looking down and someone taking a photo from the pier itself.

i am going home tomorrow. i haven't been home since my arrest, well home for more than an hour or two. tomorrow i plan on seeing friends, family and making my return to mt. clemens. i will be more restrained this time around, and will be with a good group of people to say the least. i plan on going to one place and one place only. and why? because i like the people who surround me at that place.

i never mention her but i met someone named michelle months ago. the only reccollection i have of her until recently is her playing freebird. but i have grown to know her as one of the best sources for music, movies, and books. to say the least she is my personal borders. and i am truly happy for that.

this week has been decent thus far. i am excited for once.

!2:10

i am pretty sure that the first five demos that were able to be downloaded free of charge on straylight run's website about 5 years ago can help anyone relate to anyone's breakup no matter how hard or easy it is.

with such lyrics as "so we drove, for what seemed like days. over roads and 4 lane highways. we said all we needed to say and i realize in time that it didn't mean anything"

i just think their demos are the best thing they ever did.

!2:10

my first day of work was, well pretty damn easy. i know not all nights will be like this, but it was something very new to me. going to a place. doing what needs to be done, then leaving regardless of the time.

i was able to hold down, the majority of a small meal today. that is the first time in maybe a week or two. so today was pretty decent in that regard.

still adjusting to everything else though.

my mom is coming to visit on tuesday. i am really hoping she brings my niece, i really wish i could see her more often. i don't want to be away from her while she grows up but can't help but put myself before my family. maybe i am selfish in that regard, but i feel like i would have far more problems in life if i was living at home. we'll see.

!2:10

b-tons

so it looks like after 2 weeks buttons is finally leaving. it is bittersweet. i have grown to love this little guy. i like hanging out with him and his full ball of hair. it also makes me feel like when he leaves will i be bored and ever more alone than before? i have no clue. i need something i think, something good for once.

!2:10

tonight

tonight i come, not depressed not sad not anything. not happy not overjoyed. just as i am. i have started to think of everyone in my life who truly cares of me. the usual, mother, brother even sister-in-law. but lately i've come to realized that my group of friends are the best for me. i have people that i can almost be with every day of the week. people that no matter what state of mind i am in will take care of me and talk to me. these people i could not be more greatful for. it has taken me a long time to realize my group of friends can be my family. i have a family. i have the lees family and the krasicki family. granted i always identify with the lees family. i still don't feel at times like i belong. the krasicki family, i never go to the reunion's i never remember who all of them are. everything like that. in a few blogs ago i wrote of my uncle who was 98, that was on my mom's side. still have no realization who everyone is and what they are to my life. lately i have started to reidentify with the lees family. it has been years since my absence. i come around every few, and leave much like i came. everything is weird at times. i want to be close but how do i bring back what i may have had in the past? my brother is clearly the family man. always has been around, always will be. me on the other hand left as soon as i could. and will never live there again. i just dont see myself having a family in a town that although my childhood was never bad, that it still has memories that i don't want to bring back. i donno i want to be home more often, but at times i just can't. life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is all i want.

!2:10

oddly enough, i'm on my way.

lots of thoughts in my head. but nothing to say.

i've decided that i need to stop cryptic posts whether here or on facebook. it seems that it is doing more harm than good. the girl always knows who she is even though she has never brought it up. i think i need to move on, but id be wrong to say that all of me wants to move on. we'll see.

!2:10

what is home?

i feel really bad for what i have always put my mother through. ever since i can remember she has been my dependent. i moved away, did my best to stay afloat. but through dead end jobs and everything else i have wanted to depend on her more often than not. someday, if i make it that far. i will repay her for everything. i moved away 3 years ago. my mom's house isn't small by any means but is big enough to have at least two kids. she has brough up that she wants to sell it eventually. is it wrong that even if i go home every month or 2 that i am so torn about it? it is in no doubt too big for one person. but her living somewhere else makes me cry. me driving home, and once i get to the dirt road thinking wow i have done so much shit on this road. or when i get home and the constant reminders of what i used to be. who i used to be. i cannot say that i do not miss my childhood home. but i will never miss the hurt that comes with it. for god sakes, i heard my dad dying in the next room. i just am scared, that if she sells that ill lose what i have of my father. it took nearly 5 years to go back to the memory that serves me back to my father. if that were ever to go, and i could not go there i think i wouldn't know who i am. there has always been thoughts of not going there. economy, tourism what have you, but i think at this point if i could not look forward to my yearly ritual with family and new generations that i would die inside. i feel like the majority of me is dead inside. that if i didn't have that anymore that i don;t know what i'd do. i want to bring my kid to hessel. to the cabins i stayed in. i want my son to be the one that holds 3 fish. i just want life to pick up. i just don't want to be lonely. will i be lonely? chances are probably not. but i want to be a dad. and lately that is all i think about. i want my kid to play with jamie's kid. i want robert a lees jr to live. if my brother cannot carry on the name of christopher wallace lees, then i made a pact to have my son be that. we cannot leave my father alone. the last time i was even remotely by my father was a year or 2 ago. i was wasted, but the next day was father's day. my mom picked me up at the fron of the building. someone brought me there. and someone wants me here. who is it? why am i here? i;ll always wonder.

.

i wish you were in my life more. you make me happy.

!2:10

sia

everyday i listen to music. everyday i hear songs, some i love some i hate. some i never want to listen to again. but have you ever wanted to make a playlist for someone, and when it comes down to it you just can't? that there are so many songs that mean so much to you that you love with your heart. that instead of 1 cd it turns into 10 soon 20? i am in that juncture right now. i've never wanted to make a cd so perfect for someone. it's really weird. i had a few different lists going. last night i deleted them all. i have no idea what i am doing here. with anything. not just music. honestly, what is life?

!2:10

conclusions.

i have thought about it the last few days/ nights. and i want to do locks of love. but i want to give it to my friend's mom. she has battled through cancer ever since i have known her. i want to give her my hair.

!2:10

march

today marks the beginning of what i hope is a spectacular month. february was good in very few regards, in which by now those have all been known in past blogs. march brings the beginning of a new job. midnights at a meijer merchandising and shit like that. it marks st. patty's day which i have a feeling this year will be the best one yet. it also marks a few good concerts that i hope i am still able to attend. i just hope what happened in february can be put behind me, and am able to move on. it may be hard at first much like it always is. we'll see what this may become. but i hope to break the 100 blog mark by the ends of the month.

!2:10