‎"He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced--or seemed to face--the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself."


ive experienced this before and will never forget it. i miss my trips driving alone down to detroit. the best thing about my current job is driving to adrian every tuesday. its like my pier was to me. clarity.

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i think im going to start videotaping life, making my life through photos and videos. i find thats the best way to get to know people. just by showing them your life through your eyes. it's hard to see that otherwise.

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love songs have begun to annoy me. they're just so great and fairytaleish. i want that. im finally wanting to care, but dont wanna settle for second best. i want the first place trophy.
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im always going to regret not moving out of state. i moved for college and couldnt support myself. and now im as close to as ever. but the thing that baffles me is my inability to act on things. moving a way from home has been the biggest hing ie ever done. i just want to make something of myself.

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there are parts of me ill never really understand. how years ago i can remember such things but forget everything else. probably a lot of selective memory i assume. there isnt much in the way of greatness going on as of late. maybe its at these times i reflect of other things. i really dont know. but to me i think of failed things. whether it be failures in my love life or failures in my own life. what ive come to realize lately more than anything else that whats on paper isnt always the correct thing. you can take people with similar backgrounds, interests, life stories, and you can find probably the most perfect person. and it doesnt work for some unexplained reason. i dont try to blame things, i typically blame myself. it just sucks. and i can see that in things that arent me. i blame myself for everything anytime. i think 2012 will be different. my brother whom i look up to alot is now different because of things that happened in 2011. it sucks the terrible he had to deal with, but i think it makes us closer. it in a way has made our family closer. still i dont do it a ton but i try to come home more often, to see the niece and nephew. it sucks with the nephew, my brother and i dont have much time with him to my knowledge. but the time i had with him over christmas reaffirms the fact that he is turning into his father and mother. his father a prick, but his mother i saw the good in her. i know it is there, but shit happens. and it sucks. for example he added me on facebook. i have a strong stance against kids and facebook. there should be an age, always ways around it i know it. but he added me and i denied him and he called me gay because of it. kids are crap now. shit i remember people talking about when they were kids when i was six. id love to see what they think now. theres plenty more thoughts, i was stopped in the middle of this blog. ill write more when im focused.

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200

this is the 200th post of my blog. i wanted it to be on my birthday in 2011 but why not have it be in the closing hours of the first day of 2012?

my life is changing. im hitting the ground running and hoping by the end of the year that i will be a lot more financially secure. december saw the beginnings of that, and it needs to continue. this blog has been a great way for me to express things in a journal or diary format. i enjoy writing for the few to zero people that read this blog. ill write more in 2012.

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