what is home?

i feel really bad for what i have always put my mother through. ever since i can remember she has been my dependent. i moved away, did my best to stay afloat. but through dead end jobs and everything else i have wanted to depend on her more often than not. someday, if i make it that far. i will repay her for everything. i moved away 3 years ago. my mom's house isn't small by any means but is big enough to have at least two kids. she has brough up that she wants to sell it eventually. is it wrong that even if i go home every month or 2 that i am so torn about it? it is in no doubt too big for one person. but her living somewhere else makes me cry. me driving home, and once i get to the dirt road thinking wow i have done so much shit on this road. or when i get home and the constant reminders of what i used to be. who i used to be. i cannot say that i do not miss my childhood home. but i will never miss the hurt that comes with it. for god sakes, i heard my dad dying in the next room. i just am scared, that if she sells that ill lose what i have of my father. it took nearly 5 years to go back to the memory that serves me back to my father. if that were ever to go, and i could not go there i think i wouldn't know who i am. there has always been thoughts of not going there. economy, tourism what have you, but i think at this point if i could not look forward to my yearly ritual with family and new generations that i would die inside. i feel like the majority of me is dead inside. that if i didn't have that anymore that i don;t know what i'd do. i want to bring my kid to hessel. to the cabins i stayed in. i want my son to be the one that holds 3 fish. i just want life to pick up. i just don't want to be lonely. will i be lonely? chances are probably not. but i want to be a dad. and lately that is all i think about. i want my kid to play with jamie's kid. i want robert a lees jr to live. if my brother cannot carry on the name of christopher wallace lees, then i made a pact to have my son be that. we cannot leave my father alone. the last time i was even remotely by my father was a year or 2 ago. i was wasted, but the next day was father's day. my mom picked me up at the fron of the building. someone brought me there. and someone wants me here. who is it? why am i here? i;ll always wonder.