the year continues.

it seems that the year was not over yet for me. i contracted hand foot and mouth disease causing me to breakout everywhere have disgusting rashes and crust. that all came around christmas. i didnt work at all this week because of it which really sucks. also mama totaled her jeep in an accident by a stupid canadian. we had our annual family party last night it was great to be around family and friends. this new years will be a little different as im just going to be with my brother. im not worried about it though i have alot of beer to drink.

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a years end

one great thing about driving to adrian weekly is an hour of just me time. i always put on some album or playlist as i drive. today i thought about my annual year end blog. this year has gone by extremely fast, and with that here we goo....

i feel ive grown a lot in this past year. my clothes have changed substantially in that i like to wear khaki's more than jeans and usually just a plain shirt. i still represent my sports teams thoroughly but as far as pac sun clothes those are on their way out the door.

ive gotten a second job in the years time which has helped me out financially. in the last half of the year i was able to become the most financially secure ive ever been. im still struggling monthly but less so than before and the horizon looks good.

ive changed a lot of my outlook on life. im less angry at other random people like driving i just take my time instead of always being in a hurry.

my drinking has calmed down which is good for my liver and i can attribute that to having a normal job as well as others around me drinking less.

ive lost a great friend in not talking to her anymore which wasnt my choice but i understand it to an extent and hope shes in a better place.

i lost my sister in law to divorce and it sucks more for my brother than for me but i still feel it.

ive had a great year. and i couldnt have done it without the help of my core group of friends and family. without them id be nowhere.

my outlook on life is a lot different than years past and i like that im more optimistic than i have been but we'll see what 2012 has to offer.

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the world is changing around me. ive begun to notice this change. my view on the world has completely changed within the past year. there's so many horrible people out there these days. up until recently i think maybe id put myself in that category. years ago i was so excited to someday have a chance to bring a child into this world. now, im unsure if id ever want that. people are just so horrible. always in a hurry, some people just hate the world. i may hate a lot of it and that is only because of the evil associated with it. i do feel though with my core of people and friends that the evil is minimal. but then facebook. as much as i love it i hate it just as much. i hate the constant negativity towards others and i know ive done the same to others. just people really suck.

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!!

im tired of losing.
losing friends whom i thought would be there forever.
losing where i feel home and having to restart all over again.
im just so tired of struggling everyday to get by. whether it is money, or working too much or what. i just know i cant do this forever and these last 4 months or so working over 40 hrs a week with odd shifts leaves not much time for anything. it just sucks. i dont mind a 40 hour work week. but id like it to be 5 8 hr days. not 7 hrs 2 hrs just cut up into one. im just cranky and not happy
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ypsilanti

Tonight is my last night living in ypsilanti. what started as just leaving home has begun to mash into a separate life for myself. i grew up here, i lift with a girlfriend graduated and had tons of great friends. i truly don't know if i am ready to leave. i always knew back home id leave sometime. here i had the thoughts but because of the life ive had with new people i had no idea it would be this soon. it makes sense, cheaper and thats it for me. i'm going to miss this place so much. whether it was moving in and expanding my horizons to me being by myself and living there for a couple of years. ive met so many great people here, and ill miss all of them. i know ill visit. i know ill be back. but this? this will never be as it is now. it's going to be a really hard adjustment. i know i can do it, ive done it before, but this was my home. and the first home i had that wasnt at my mom's. ypsilanti will always share a special place in my heart. even some of my heart was lost in the progress. but besides that ypsi.
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Lateee

ive started to realize at the end of everything terrible comes amazingness. do i think it works in all situations? no. but in my car situation it did. the stratus died. i beat theshit out of that car i understand it dying. i got a ford focus. or as i call it the fuckus. im excited for this new adventure with this car. this is my car. i have to pay for it. the stratus was mine but given by my father's money, or mom's investements. either way i didnt pay for it. now, this is my car. im excited to just have this thing. this thing that is mine. some can compare it to a child i guess. i can see it in ways but mostly just something to take care of like a pet. i am just happy for this. liking the job at country fresh and liking the extra hours with acosta but knowing it wont last. i like coutnry fresh i want this to be the start of a career.

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i have so much to say. im not happy i dont think ill ever be happy in life. i love helping others. for me whe i had females i just wanted them to be happy and eventually that is how or who id be. well it is still me but im just pushed over. for once please if there is anything out there just let me succeed. i want to i truly do i close my eyes and i see my sons running around. please just grant this for me. i want to be the father i never had. he was amazing if i can be half the father my brother is ill be ok. just give me the chance before it is too late.

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righteousness.

look i get it, you dont like my comments. do i care? not really. you aren't going to change my view of how i look on life or how i treat people. if it bother's you that much then dont be my friend. it wont make me lose sleep. i get it i am annoying on facebook. i dont truly care. just dont be my friend if you are that annoyed. save your righteousness for people who honestly care.

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music makes me live.

many use music as something to express their feelings. i truly think i am one of them. at anytime of the day/night i could be asked and after some time in some cases i could come up with music. i love music. music is the only thing that makes me around. i could not live music. i hate to be cliche in a song by 30 seconds to mars more importantly the video someone says "some people have god, some people pray. i have music. music is my life. some of that may not be correct but the jist of it is understood. that is how i am. i love music. if i find a song that describes my mood i will not stop that song.

little hell by city and colour.
this song since i heard it has been amazing. i cant stop listening to it. i have over 100 plays on itunes that does not count the amount on my phone. this album is amazing. if i find a song ill kill that song i dont care. i dont want the few plays every now and then i want it all at once. i love this song. this song describes me.

otherwise we could go with 3 other songs on my playlist.

nero by senses fail just amazes me as something i need to to.
it describes me so perfectly, the way i am drinking recklessly weekend and week out and just is ok with me.
yellow angels describes my current feelings. i just want something to look forward to. something great. even if it is for a few minutes at least it is something. i want to be happy i love to be happy but it has become so rare that i have no idea how to act.

and sensible heart always describes what i am. ill always be there for anyone ill always listen regardless who you are. i dont care. im there i am me. if youre poor if you have no money, if i have the time and i may never have the money but ill always listen. never judge. just be someone.

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i had truly wanted to get to 200 before my birthday, i was 10 off. i have been busy new job and life has kept me from writing. today is or was my birthday. i never used to look forward to it, today i did. whether it was my brother visiting or other guests i was excited. ive had so much death and heartache near my birthday i could never celebrate it. maybe it is the alcohol that comes into ones system and makes them feel different.

it had been so long since i got so angry. i try to control it i truly do, sometimes i shake. i just try to breathe. it wasnt anything that dealt with me persee tonight but i just has to. two hits is all i need. sorry knuckles

just truly trying to hold it all together.

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work

i have started working two jobs. my new job is awesome. i feel like this could realistically be a career for me. i like what i do i dont mind driving and it just seems like a good fit for me. the night job is getting irritating as nothing seems to be going correct on it thus getting me little sleep. i am not complaining as i sleep after country fresh is done. it leads me to not be doing much or not really keeping up with life. but i am sleeping better. may take a little while for early morning wake ups but i think this is good.
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i finally feel like i am starting to grasp some things. my new job is amazing. and seems like it could be the start of a career. that makes me happy and relieved and optimistic. i hope this actually lasts.

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facebook has begun to get to me. it tends to depress me as more and more people get engaged. it also makes me feel odd when i am blocked for unknowingly doing things. eh i hope this thing passes.

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i have started to grow tired of constant engagements. people seem to be on engagement kicks now as i have seen maybe 5 or 6 people have gotten engaged in the past week. i mean im sure they will last but i want that lasting thing as well. i guess i am just jealous of what others have and what i do not. it sucks, i hope things pick up at some point soon. i am growing tired of this.

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immaturity is my strong point. i hate when i tend to get serious, get emotional that i start to get too choked up to ever talk anything of relevance. i have people that have been through worse, or been through the same. while we have a mutual understanding it sucks i can never talk to them about any of it. i miss you. i miss how we were. i miss how anything i said wasnt retarded, wasnt wrong, was just understood. you are here in some capacity now, but it isnt the same. the best bonding we have had is little hell, fuck. i just miss you. be around more. be there for me like i want to be there for you. i dont care about anything else but having you there by my side. through everything. you said you were sorry. i forgive. just be there forever and always. my most lonley times have been without you in zero capcity. i know you like to leave, you like to just deal with it on your own. but it hurts. it fucking kills. especially when i have noone else to talk to. when i just need you. ive never needed anyone except you in some capacity. just be there.

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as i become older, the world gets smaller. opportunities become bleaker. i know life isnt all about love and happiness but i feel i tend to get bowled over. like i am good for awhile in situations than others come along and i am just a stepping stone. it really upsets me that constantly when i build foundations they get crushed and then i cant ever rebuild them. i just want to win once in life. tired of losing, tired of second best or third best. it always happens and well i just don't know how i can stop it.

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sleep/wakeup

so ive come to the conclusion that before bed and after i awake i will do a few pushups. not really sure as to why i want to do this but i think if i start to get myself in habits ill become a creature of habit. i already have a somewhat habit that i follow before bed and when i wake up, i like habits. i think it is healthy to have a kind of pattern that one follows daily. i really enjoy that.

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fb

as of lat people on facebook have either grown tired of my immature posts or just finally feel the need to admit that i am not liked by everyone. i'm fine with that, people dont all have to like me. if they cant take jokes then fuck em, if significant others cant find the humor in something then fuck em. if something is offensive i get that. it's the point of most of my things. however if the things are untrue then i really see no problem in them. there are few subjects i wont touch usually relating to death in one's family or actual problems. being politically correct is really overrated. enjoy life enjoy a laugh. if not then dont be in my life. it wont hurt me if i am deleted or anything along those lines.

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city and colour

today i downloaded the new city and colour album. i pre-ordered it on amazon because i like him so much ill support him in music. usually when i listen to an album one way through ill be ok with it. albums usually take a few rounds to get through. for example when i first heard blink 182's enema of the state years ago i thought it was terrible. upon further listening i thought it was great. although this does not measure up to other albums by dallas i still love it. he is like ace enders to me because ace enders cant make bad music. i dont like dallas' original band but i love city and colour and truthfully this album is so beautiful. one way through and i was hooked.

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exit here, a second read through

I bought exit here for the second time a week or two ago. I read it in about three sittings. Tonight I read about half the book as I always seem to do when I get to a certain point in books. Granted I saw the sun come up because I was reading but I'm not upset about it. This book is easily one of my favorites and makes me realize that although I feel my life is extremely fucked up that there's always worse out there. This may not lead to me being more optimistic in life but at least I understand it.
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ive never been one for regrets. never really believed in them. but if i could take back one night, not be me for one night just to have you around like i did before i would. whether i can have you as i truly think we'd ne alright or not i want you back. you get me like noone else ever could. every idea i have you never thought it was crazy or stupid the majority of the time youd come and appreciate it. i miss you, i miss the way we were. i hate going to movies now, that was our thing. some of the best times of my life in the past few years are because of you and now i feel like nothing. maybe it is better for you on your end, but if it hurts someone who was like your brother that much then how can it be truly that great? i think of you every day. you can have whoever you want if it isnt me but we were close and i feel like i was disposed of. just come back.
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lovey dovey movies about people with other people then finally realizing that they actually want to be with eachother annoy the shit out of me. one such movie is what is currently playing which is just go with it. it is an alright movie but it just makes me feel lonely. i hate this feeling of just blah. i want something to be better, to feel better to be realistically happy. i just dont know how to do that. and i just feel lonely.

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pittsburgh

pittsburgh this weekend was great. but i think the best part was looking out the window as we traveled on the mega bus seeing the beautiful scenery and listening to amazing music. ive also start to reevaluate certain things relating to myself and my life. im hoping it is a change for the better. i love traveling, i want to do it more.

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money

I know I am no good with money. I've been trying to be more responsible lately and plan to cut up two of my credit cards shortly. By years end I want to have at least my paypal cleared out and canceled. I need to get my debt under control. The first step? Leaving cash instead of taking it all so that I won't spend it. Also less stupid things, I didn't need that pipe. I did need my sandals. I may have even less money to spend with trying to clear out, but I'm ok with that, I need to think of my future.

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almost always i have someone i talk to on a daily basis, usually it is a female and that is usually one i am attracted to. right now i do not have anyone i am currently like that with. this is the first time in years that i hadnt talked to anyone. whether it is in a friend or a relationship sort of way. i am enjoying it in some ways by just not being around my phone as much. i also have become quite bored. i thought i had more to read.

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lack of thoughts

while i have had many thoughts to write down in this blog over my absence i feel the need not to really tell them within this. to sum it up, things arent great things arent bad. things are just things. and lately i've become content with that. i have changed my surroundings by moving into a house with two of my good friends and i feel a little different. like maybe something good will start soon. again sorry for the lack. but i am at 175 my goal is to get to 200 by my birthday.

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i want to say how much your absence has hurt since you've left, but i cannot put it in words. i miss you no matter how much at times im better without you. i miss you i want you here. come back and stop being so fucking stubborn. we can be friends i dont fucking care. but to have the biggest piece you've known, leave and have nothing it sucks.

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fb rant

i don't know what it is but so many people have been annoying me lately. up until maybe a month or two ago i didnt care who my friends were on fb. now ive started to clean house, and deleting people off my news feed. this is primarily because of the way people talk. i know that i am not the best with words, however a few things come to mind:

A. the difference between, then-than, your-you're, too-two-to, i dont mind so much the wrong version of its because people tend to leave out the apostrophe.
B. words like cuh, lmao, lol, stg, sth, whatever those stupid words are. have we become that lazy? chances are you aren't actually laughing your ass off, those arent as annoying as the abbreviations for stupid shit like stg swear to god, dude just fucking say it instead. i myself tend not to use any of these except haha, or if im really laughing bahahhaha.
C. i understand that fb is a haven for people and their thoughts on politics and world events. but if you are going to put that shit up at least keep it up. if your thoughts are truly there then leave them. i have been victim of this before and have deleted some statuses and i understand not everything. but when stuff is said, own up to it.

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30 for 30 fab five

i finally was able to watch the fab five 30 for 30. here is my review.
the comments made referring to uncle tom was a bad use of words. i understand what he emeant but he should've used another phrase. i think the word bitch was warranted because of the hatred towards duke.
i think while webber made a horrible mistake, jalen was kind of a dick about it.
i also am annoyed that webber wasnt included in this documentary, i would like to hear his opinion about what happened and everything.
i also think that after they looked at it in slow motion that he got extremely confused. it sucks but i understand it. i see why everyone has been on jalen's ass about everything. and i sort of agree with people being assholes to him about this. i also think jalen was in this doc for himself and nothing else

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thoughts

I find that i only write when nothing good is happening. That needs to change for a few reasons, because good things need to happen and when good things happen they should be mentioned. Stay tuned....
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remember.

since i can remember i've been an angry person. i always get angry. i cant control my feelings at times and i shake when i get angry. rarely does my anger lash out like it used to. as a little kid i had a lot of problems controlling it. do i feel like i have control of it now? at times. i want so badly to just rid myself of anger and finally be able to just be laid back. i never can control my emotions. i wan so desperately to just let go of that anger, let go of the sadness and move forward. i feel like that is holding me back in life. i've had to go to a domestic violence class for my arrest last year. while i don't fall under the immediate umbrella of domestic violence what i did comes under a type of violence. i can say this class is majority a waste of my time, but i am starting to understand that i am an angry person. ive started to think of talking to someone seeking help, because i dont want this to continue. like i said before i want to be a happy person with less sadness and anger. i have come a long way since i was younger but dont feel like i am where id like to be as of yet. it sucks to admit this on a public forum such as a blog but i feel like it is the only way short of going to see someone. my blog when i write doesn't judge me while the readers may. if they don't like me for me i cant help that. i am an enjoyable person, and lately ive thought of the future for me. and i want to start setting goals for myself which i don't think i ever have in my life. i am starting to be able to close my eyes and imagine a future. that hasn't been able to happen in 6 years or so. im at the bottom of the ladder i need to be at and i want so desperately to climb that ladder and smell the fresh air. i need changes, i need to become less of a kid and more of an adult, and i understand that. i just need help doing it. i'm not a self-motivator and usually need a kick in my ass to do something. now i will list a few goals,

1. apply to gradschool with my next paycheck. i may not get in as a grad student but i could be a non-degree graduate student until my gpa raises enough, currently i am off by less than 10 points. once i start school i need to kick ass in it. no more of this fucking around that i did for the past 5.5 years and before that another 12 years.

2. i want a job that is consistent. what i mean by this is hours that are always there. i want a full time job. i think i am ready for it. i am ready to join the real world. i'm anxious for that to finally happen.

3. once my probationary period is over to start seriously evaluating my life and the people in it. i've started to in some ways and others just put it on the shelf.

4. start a new life somewhere, i know that will happen in less than 60 days when i move into the rth with two good friends, i am anxious and excited and as i said earlier i can actually imagine living there whereas months ago i had no idea.

5. i want to take better care of my body. i have been drinking less on the weekdays thus far, but the weekends are always a blur. i understand i am young and i can do this but i think one night out a week i shouldn't black out. blacking out as of late has become almost ordinary. i need to be motivated to do things like go to the gym, i feel once goal 4 is complete that i can start to be motivated and not feel so many aches and pains and feel blah all the time.

6. experience new things. i want to get out of my element. this has included previously chicago trips, pennsylvania trips, and other things. i like the fresh air of something new.

7. finally learn my guitar. i've had the damn thing for over 10 years and can barely play one full song. i really want to be able to play more, and i enjoy it. basically i need to not fuck around and get serious with it.

8. become less of the jokester and more of the reliable person. i can be reliable when it comes to something that benefits me and most often i don't do things because it doesn't. it makes me feel like shit, and i get it. i can be a bad friend. i hate it.

9. read more. i want to expand my learning of things.

10. pick up new hobbies. if we refer to number 7 this is included in it. but i want to learn the inner workings of certain things like adobe photoshop or even photography. the reason for this is that i enjoy these things and want to become decent at it so that hobbies can turn into things people appreciate.

11. just be a better person.

i hope i can have some help with this as i am not the best motivator.

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as of late

for some reason every time i try to put words down on this blog i don't get much further than a sentence or two. ill eventually post about my chicago trip this past weekend but havent found the words to write about it as of yet. right now though i feel kind of odd. ever since i got back from chicago ive been in this odd funk. where ive slept for about 14 hrs or more each day. maybe it is recovery from the weekend or maybe it is just me being bored. whatever it is i have no idea. i just need something really good to happen and ill be happy. but as of now that doesn't seem completely possible. let's hope this funk ends and i can be relatively happy.

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tonight was a low key night. what i mean by low key is either my brother or i didnt piss off anyone. this weekend has been a decent weekend. got to see a lot of people and it was a good time. but i feel like after this next time which is in 2 weeks i wont be home for a while after that. i enjoy being home to an extent. everyone knows if i am home i go out. and it does suck and it is always the same shit but theres nothing else for me here. if it came to a point where people wanted to just hang with me id gladly give up a friday night to hang with them. i have in the past. all my riends are becoming accomplished. they have to work at times when i am at home. it sucks to an extent but i understand. i still feel shitty for it. but no matter what my niece and my nephew mean the world to me. and im 99% home because of them. anything that happens after the initial being home is ok with me.

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admiral adventures

it has come to my attention i did a few hilarious things monday night. i drank a pint of admiral and coke before we left on the bus trip which was in about 45 mins. from what i recall i had a few beers on the bus on the way there and two big beers at the game. after the game i have no idea. but here is the highlights:

i had to pee a lot, before we even entered i was peeing towards canada. i had accidently got split up with our group so i wound up sitting one section over for a few minutes. each time i went to pee i left down the stairs and would get lost on my way back sometimes ending 5 sections over or so. my phone didnt work in the stadium so it was hard to get ahold of the group.

after the game we were leaving to go back on the bus. i have no idea how i got there or anything and do not remember it, however i ended up peeing on the n.y. rangers bus. not in the bus but on the bus aka the exterior. i have a photo of it and got chased off by a security guard.

while still waiiting for people, i was outside holding a detroit sign, dont know much about it or whatever but i had a beer on the sidewalk. everyone told me not to but i decided id hold the sign to hide the beer. by doing this i would lift the sign up as i drank the beer. it is fuzzy but someone may have even given me money for a job well done.

ahh the admiral

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i have become more and more annoyed by people as time has gone on. i am a negative person by nature but mostly with things happening in my life and not things that just are there. example: music. i have an opinion of what i like as far as music. do i really get into saying i dont like bands? sure but i am always willing to hear some of the music. im not one to say that specific genres are stupid when i knowingly have some of the stuff that is included in said drama.

i am also growing tired of some of my family. i don't like being threatened/told to do something. especially when in this example the person isnt even there. it bothers me a lot as i have seriously attempted to be a better uncle lately. i dont mind doing things but i hate being threatened. it just annoys me to a large point.

also i am tired of people just talking to me for a bit especially really close people, then basically going missing. they say o i am busy o i am getting my life in order. yeah we all are, what makes you any different? i still am able to send a message or a simple phone call to people that are a large part of my life.

i think i'm done with my rant now. feels good to get it off my chest.

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ads

i've started using ads on this site. while i doubt it will ever bring me any money whatsoever if you see my blogs click the link it'll get me a few cents.

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cut it out

Finally doing something i should have done months ago. Cutting people in my life out that shouldnt be in it. They just drag me down, so why keep them around. Stay tuned for more changes soon.

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the last two episodes of how i met your mother were extremely sad. it took a direction that i had no idea would ever take place. it is so light hearted that i never expected it. it was a good change of pace but was also sad.

the wings game last saturday was amazing to say the least. so much fun and it is awesome to see how so many different groups of people mesh so well with others. it's pretty sweet.

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you.

Whenever i get a glinpse of what my life could be like with you in it permanently i get happy. The though reality is that ill never get that experience no matter what i do.
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a mirror

so yesterday morning i went to go to the bathroom. did my usual, and washed my hands. i looked in the mirror above my sink. i looked in that mirror and didn't recognize myself. it was a weird thing to fathom. i have never looked in the mirror like that. finally i did. did i like what i saw? no. did i wonder where my life was? yes. did i hate the person in the mirror? no but i don;t like that guy. i am not happy any longer. people can see that. it sucks but that is me.

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new year..

a new year should usually constitute resolutions. do i have some? sort of. i will tell them...
1. take better care of my body
~~~~~~i never take care of it. i don't do heavy drugs, just pot and alcohol but i used to take a lot of nyquil and others. i am an angry person at heart and it comes out from time to time. my pinky and my ring finger on my writing hand are permanently messed up. and while i know it is all my fault if i get pissed i still use that hand. it isnt a means to an end by anyways. but it helps at time and chills me out.
2.i need to figure out what i want in life
~~~~~~i have a general outline of what i want, it is never anything specific. trughtfully i have no way to fathom what i want to do in life. i have no clue. logistics sounds decent, an easy job. but i know ill get bored like everything. but then again if i get a challenging job ill rise up and people will have expectations and then ill meet them and go beyond then fall back down. i dont want that. realistically, i wouldn't mind being a politician but i don't want my past involved. i have so much stupid/weird shit that would come out and i don't want or need that for my family. i have never been a perfect citizen and probably never will be. but i dont need that public. my mother goes through enough of my shit i don't need her to redeal with it, as well as my brother nephew sister in law and niece. i keep away from politics because of the things that can be uncovered. while it isnt terrible, i still jsut dont want my family to go through it. they have dealt with so much from me and i am only 24.


so far this year has sucked, nothing has realistically gone right in my eyes. people are changing, and i hate change. i know it is for the better in some regards but i hate it.

school has started for people still at emu, and truthfully i am bored. i don't do shit ever. and i hate it at least when i "had" class id go occasionally and stress about it throughout the week. that stress is gone. and the reality of me needing a fulltime job to follow the american dream scares me. the american dream is fucked up, but i don't want anything but that.

and lately, ive just been thinking more and more about life. it sucks.

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