These Days

Its been awhile.  I didnt forget. It just became time to hold things in for awhile.  At first it was I just didn't have the time. Now its become an avoidance. A way to hold it in. To not talk about things. I live everyday in a haze. Everything just rolls together. I give my heart and soul at work and still feel under utilized.  Im no closer to being debt free than I was this time last year. I gotmyself into this mess years ago and I want to get out but I dont think I can.  My relationships with people have suffered greatly. Idont communicate with my family like I once did. I amjust at the point where I realize all these negative changes and people that leave , y life are because of me. That realization fuckig sucks. Icant blame anyone but myself,but I have always been honest. And at times that gets me in trouble.  Maybe I need a change of scenary. A fresh start. Im just on an island.

12:10

when 26 becomes 27

the world has changed in only one year. you have me getting a new job thinking it could be a career. and while that still may be the end goal, im unsure of what that future holds for me. i havent grown any relationships in this past year. if anything ive either severed or strained most of those. it is partly my fault, partly not having any money and partly being selfish. i see these things, but honestly i dont have the power at this time to change them completely. everything is a two way street, and i feel most times i was the one making the efforts. this has come up in the past and maybe i just made the efforts and didnt mind them as much but now i dont see many people because of the efforts of them and i. i dont feel that i have a person to confide in anymore. yes you have small bits here and small there, but never anyone that knows it all. if i could sum up year 26 id say mostly lonely, a little cloudy, with very little alcohol. ive cut down considerably, drinking every few months or so. i think back to how i used to be, mostly in my apartment drinking admiral a lot. and not wanting to be like that again. i see that was not the best person, and i cant necessarily change that but i feel like ive changed slightly. my anger is still there but rarely, maybe its the self medication or zoloft. either way im ok with that being gone. im tired of saying this will be my year, so i just hope i can continue with a steady job and who knows maybe end up being able to do the things i want to do without sacrificing eating or other things. i dont have much to say anymore, i can sum the last year up into just a shoulder shrug. im not really excited about turning 27, with the exception of tonight i didnt plan on going out. i just planned it as being a normal weekend. thats my world now. stay in, watch netflix. it's lonely, but it's also safe.  someday i hope the world will turn in my favor but as the years go on i get more frustrated. maybe it is me not taking those leaps. but maybe i just dont have the resources to do so. i have the want, i want to be great. i want to have kids, i want a wife. but i feel like my time on this earth is numbered lower than most others. im ok with that, ive never built my body for longevity. we'll see what the rest of my 20's make up. i just want success. success on my terms, my definition, which only i know.

!2:10 

st drunken day?

ive had 1 beer since new year until today. i had myself so psyched for it, gonna get trashed and live my old ways. but when reality happens, i dont get like that. im not sure if just the opportunity wasnt there or that i just dont drink like i used to. i noticed i started out fast today but only ended up drinking 8-9 in a 6 hr span. i feel like i am a shell of my former self when it comes to drinking these past few months. maybe its finally my body telling me no, or me being older or something but i just dont like getting trashed like i used to. maybe this will change. maybe this is growing up. either way it is weird to me.
!2:10

how safe it is to feel safe.

so things have changed slightly. my assistant manager at work is on leave, with a lot of thought that it is permanent. so i naturally pick up the slack because im the asst. manager in training. in a week its changed from no responsibility to much much more. now i stay alone the last hour of the work day. i like it. i hope this is the step in the right direction. i never to say i can see myself doing _____ in 20 years, but im able to say i like this job and i think ive found my niche.

otherwise i work, and sit in my room all night.  i dont go out much or really do anything, and im somewhat ok with it. i feel guilty spending money on things i dont need, because i am so far in debt to people. im trying the best i can to dig myself out of the hole i created for myself. im trying my hardest.

people get the long perception of me a lot. and i kind of understand it. ive never shown much of myself other than being mostly lazy. and really outside of work i am. but to doubt my work because of it annoys me. my home life and work life are not the same and actually are almost opposites. i realize i need to change my home me. and i have tin some regards but the people that dont see me often still think of me as a lazy guy. that bothers me. i just feel like im a piece of shit sometimes and i dont feel like i actually am one. perceptions need to change.

!2:10

The first month and a half

The first month and a half of this year has gone by faster than I can imagine. I spend most nights still in my room, and it isn't the worst thing in the world. I realize I don't talk to people as much lately and for the most part I don't do it on purpose. I've been exhausted with work almost daily. I enjoy my job. I think I've found my niche. I work my ass off and hopefully soon it will pay off. Im working on me.

12:!0

Year End

when this year started i recall saying how things were going to change. and well things have in ways. i am better off financially than i ever have been. i still worry about my money but im finding that its less stressful with a surplus than wondering how i can pay this bill and that bill. i dont have to borrow money from others anymore. ive paid off one credit card, and while it was cancelled forcing me to pay it off i still paid it.
besides that i have cut down my drinking a lot. i can now go a few weeks and not drink and be fine with it. granted i still have other vices but this one i feel was the worst. i also have not taken any type of benadryll since September. this along with drinking less has finally started to heal my liver.
i still eat like shit but its hard to changer that.
i feel like i have made strides this year more than past years and i feel good about that.
 with that being said
i didnt get to go to hessel this year. that was a bummer but i had just started a new job and couldnt do it.
i got to go to my first festival and it was amazing.
ive seen some good bands this year and i hope to see more in the next year.

my next year goals:
pay off another credit card.
go to another festival.
go to hessel.
move up to asst. manager instead of asst. manager in training.

im really hoping this next year continues to take me in the direction i want.

!2:10

I've noticed things lately. How passed flames come back sometimes and talk and only talk because they're newly single. I've found we talk a little. Then it goes quiet and then they're back with an ex. I don't like being that backup but tend to fall for it.
I find that certain songs I hear will take me back to a time of my life. I love that everything I cant remember stems from music. I hate having my computer die, I can't listen to new music. Don't get me wrong I have good music with me now. But I want more. Im greedy in that sense.
My new computer will start the transition into a different thing with my music. I will depend more heavily on memory cards than internal memory. The same applies for the tablet ill be purchasing soon.
Im still poor. I still live from paycheck to paycheck but im finally able to pay all of my bills.

12:!0