what have i become?

do u ever look into the mirror, and not recgconize the person in there? i don't tend to look into mirrors often, but realistaclly i have done that. i live life without a purporse. some days i sleep for 10 hrs, sometimes 5, sometimes 15. what am i? i have no fucking idea. i'm a bad friend at times. i've come to realize that. i don't do a lot of the things that benefit others because i am lazy. but then again somethings id do anything for anyone. it's a very confusing brain fuckage that i have had as of late. i don't really have one event that has brought this on, but more so a chain of events probably. i probably drink too much these days. but it fills a void. a void of not dealing with everything. and honestly, i am not upset that i can't deal with this stuff. call it imiturity call it alcoholism call it what you want. ever think that maybe people need extra things just to live? i think i fall in that category. i do take things every day. and honestly until recently those things worked perfectly, the worked fine. i was a drone. i couldn't cry, i couldn't be upset or angry. but now i don't know maybe i need something heavier with zoloft. i'm sick of being upset all the time. not being able to eat, not being able to sleep without something. throwing up almost daily and having nothing to throw up is getting dull. when i do eat it isn't anything special. never a complete meal. all of this could stem from unemployment. from not having any money whatsoever to even by something small like gas. or having friends always put out money for you, because tehy know u can't pay for shit yourself. i start a new job this week. it's something i've done in the past but never it being just my job. now ill be working from 9pm until 5-6 am. i'm up until this time almost daily anyways, and while it will take time to adjust i am relatively excited to start this. i fear though that ill have to sacrafice somethings like sleep in order to live a decent life. i don't like missing things and hope that schedule conflicts won't hurt this situation a lot. or even at all. i just want things to fall in place. many people say they fall in place as they are intended. and this may be true but it remains to be seen. i thought jamie's kid being born would be amazing. but it didn't happen the way i really thought it would. and maybe that's getting me down. or maybe it's just living a life here, that is filled with lies and deceptions for people who know me back home. i just hope things change.

!2:10