what have i become?

do u ever look into the mirror, and not recgconize the person in there? i don't tend to look into mirrors often, but realistaclly i have done that. i live life without a purporse. some days i sleep for 10 hrs, sometimes 5, sometimes 15. what am i? i have no fucking idea. i'm a bad friend at times. i've come to realize that. i don't do a lot of the things that benefit others because i am lazy. but then again somethings id do anything for anyone. it's a very confusing brain fuckage that i have had as of late. i don't really have one event that has brought this on, but more so a chain of events probably. i probably drink too much these days. but it fills a void. a void of not dealing with everything. and honestly, i am not upset that i can't deal with this stuff. call it imiturity call it alcoholism call it what you want. ever think that maybe people need extra things just to live? i think i fall in that category. i do take things every day. and honestly until recently those things worked perfectly, the worked fine. i was a drone. i couldn't cry, i couldn't be upset or angry. but now i don't know maybe i need something heavier with zoloft. i'm sick of being upset all the time. not being able to eat, not being able to sleep without something. throwing up almost daily and having nothing to throw up is getting dull. when i do eat it isn't anything special. never a complete meal. all of this could stem from unemployment. from not having any money whatsoever to even by something small like gas. or having friends always put out money for you, because tehy know u can't pay for shit yourself. i start a new job this week. it's something i've done in the past but never it being just my job. now ill be working from 9pm until 5-6 am. i'm up until this time almost daily anyways, and while it will take time to adjust i am relatively excited to start this. i fear though that ill have to sacrafice somethings like sleep in order to live a decent life. i don't like missing things and hope that schedule conflicts won't hurt this situation a lot. or even at all. i just want things to fall in place. many people say they fall in place as they are intended. and this may be true but it remains to be seen. i thought jamie's kid being born would be amazing. but it didn't happen the way i really thought it would. and maybe that's getting me down. or maybe it's just living a life here, that is filled with lies and deceptions for people who know me back home. i just hope things change.

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today, maybe tomorrow.

today was a terrible day by even my standards. many things went wrong. first i woke up at about 11am sick and hungover. which is totally my fault with double tall rum and cokes. i tried to go back to sleep for a few hrs but couldn't fall back asleep. then with a mixup of times i got dropped off to my car. and the key wouldn't turn in the ignition. had to call aaa and wiat about an hour and a half. thankfully i got to go inside a warm house for a while. then once the truck gets there he does the only thing i havent done and gets it started. i had ordered jimmy johns and by the time it got to me i realized i ordered the wrong sub. i did some training from work and wished i could have finished it. but i didn't i got home finally about 730-8ish and needed sleep to feel a little better. i woke up at 9pm and got out of bed to go to kill the keg VIII. i was out of it and really didn't drink that much. got home and still feel like shit. i need my body to feel better. it sucks for everything to feel like shit and i don't know just want good things.
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death. life. what is it really?

so tonight, as i came home alone. i have started to apologize to people. people have so less recccolections than what i do. yet i still feel bad. realistically, i was a fucking piece of shit in high school and middle school. if i didn't like u you knew it. i want to make things right. maybe it is too late, maybe it is not. but when you go to a death of a 98 yr old, and people are still there that aren't just family, i want that to be me. maybe i won't make it there. maybe i won't make to even thirty. but as i went to a funeral of a 98 year old uncle or cousin, i knew some of my family. i made it so i didn't talk to them. i just sat in the back. listening watching. my mother finally sat next to me saying "sorry i wanted to say hi to everyone" it's not the family i clearly talk to often. but i was there. i've been a ghost to my family for the past decade. even if it is the family i don't talk to often. but ill always be there at a funeral. my mother used to go to them so often i could count. i go there, family or not. and i sit in the back. i don't say hi to anyone that doesn't say hi to me first. often times it is before my brother gets there. typically it is my brother they know more than me and i am simply "remember this guy". it sucks, but that is how i have always been. i value family. i really do but to me my brother has always been the golden child. when i had the chance to move i did it. why? because i didn't have to live in the shadow, instead of my mom going o he couldn't come it would be moreso he couldn't come into town. look i love my family i really do. but it is often times hard for me to connect with them when it has been so long since i last did. in the lees family i have ryan. he always watched us, i was always an asshole even as a little kid. he has his family and i see little of him. it is like that with my cousin fred too. i wish i could see them more. but is it wrong for me to think that i have lost so much touch with them that i have no idea where to begin? seeing uncle harry tonight at 98, made me think wow why the fuck didn't i know him better. i see my uncle pete. will smith ears, i barely remember him because i am never around. but secretly, i want to know his life. i want to write everything about it. i never will have the guts to do so but i wish i could. i wish i could know the lives of so many others because it would take me away from my life.

?

my uncle passed away. maybe he was a cousin to which we called an uncle. he was 98. in 98 years of a life, one can't help all the stories he went through. if 98 or like 88 yrs ago he could have a blog. would you want to read it? i hope if i ever make it to 98, 88, 78, 68, 58, 48, 38, or even 28 that people when i die can read everyhting i ever had to write. i remember in 8th grade writing a letter to myself and it said "i hope you make it to read this in 12th grade." i read it as a senior and my heart dropped. death is such a crazy fucking thing in life. i've never been afraid to die. death has never scared me. alls i know that when i go, i do not want a struggle. or if i am a vegetable for lack of a better word. that i won't be revived. i've struggled through my life for as long as i remember. and if shit happens it does. i doubt i'll ever do anything to hurt myself physically again, but at time mental things hurt just as much. id love so much to be happy for years and years. i want so badly to have a child or two and take care of them. live past they were six, to show them what i always have missed. if i die tomorrow cool. but if i don't i want to be the most amazing father. for once i have never been scared of consequences of things i do. i just want to be happy at some point. today sucked tomorrow will suck thursday will suck. i wish that when shitty things came in threes that good things came in those as well.

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a day to remember.

today started like very few days ever do. woke up with a beautiful girl snuggled up on my couch. i got to go see my new nephew, and his wife acknowledged me as uncle bob. it was something that has happened with my sister-in-law but was a different feeling for me because of how close jamie and i are. i got to watch USA beat Canada which was probably one of the best games i have ever seen. i then got to see the cute girl again for a few hours and got to make her dinner and watch a movie. it was a good day.

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u are in my apartment sleeping on my couch and i couldn't be happier. i dont care if u wont sleep in my bed with me, but ull wake up next to me even if i am on the floor.

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a man named buttons.

i've never had to take care of an animal on my own. like literally ever. today an unique opportunity came up. an amazing friend who is vastly becoming more than i could ever imagination, asked me if i could watch her guinea pig for her. i said yes for sure. i've had him now for maybe 10 hours. and i have been gone most of them. but i couldn't wait until i got home to take him out of his cage and hang out with him. he is the coolest little guy, i've ever met. i never have these opportunities. and i got one. she cares for this guy more than most people and the fact she trusted him with me still baffles me. but also makes me think that someday i will be an amazing father. if i can take care of this little ball of hair like i do then having a kid will be the best thing in the world. i'm 23. but if tomorrow i was told i was going to have a kid, money aside i would be ecstatic. so you may thank me for taking care of him. but i thank you more so than you'll ever be able to know.

i've started to read exit here. this book is maybe one of the most amazing books a man could ever read. in 2 days i've read half of it. i never get that way with books.

it has also made me think so much of the book/movie into the wild. if you haven't seen it i suggest you do.
i want to make my trip as i have told in earlier blogs. every day that goes by i get angrier and angrier that i do not have the money to do so.
i've left home before and moved 60 minutes away. i think i could do it again despite everything that has happened since i moved here. almost done with school, a niece, a sister in law, an inherited nephew. it'd be hard to leave and i have tears as i write this. not many people read this.
i went home to clear my head, no avail. problems just became clearer there. i live here alone, and am surrounded by great people. but when you are sourrounded by everyone u can still feel all alone.

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tonight is the first night i am not taking anything chemical to sleep. i had a few pints but, for once nothing in my body.

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as i walked to my pier to clear my head today, i started to think of some things. i think when i start this new job i am going to save up some money. and when i have enough, i am going to disappear for a week or two weeks. i am only going to take my camera, some clothes, my wallet and my phone. my phone will only be used in emergencies and my camera will be the thing constant in my hand. ill also take every cd that i have to play it at a certain time. i do not know where ill end up on this trip. but i know that when i get where i am going ill know. what scares me is if i get to this place and never want to come back. could i leave everything behind? the answer is no. but i have no idea at this point.

i'm scared.

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valentine's day

valentine's day is a day in which i want to hate but can't help but not hate it. it's a day filled with an expression of love for someone, which should be given every day. except on this one day everyone is supposed to do it. i think why i am upset with today is because i don't have that right now. it is something i really want, i really want that void filled again in my life. it has been a very long time since i have wanted the void to be filled, literally more than a year. today was an odd day. after last evening i was up until about 7am. i went to be and woke back up at 1pm with many messages from family and friends showing their concern for a situation that they had no idea about. i easily left home by 2pm because i could not deal with it anymore. i got back in ypsi at 3ish then by 330 was sleeping until about 5 or 6. then woke up had a small sandwich and began reading exit here. then i decided to sleep again. maybe it is today, maybe it is what happened last night and although this was not my worst day ever, it was up there. i really hope tomorrow as well as this week will shape up to be better. i have a reason to wake up in the morning but i want more than just to breathe.

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today started off just like any other day. but it ended in such a different way that i could never imagine. while i was in jail for literally less than 2 hours, it was not something i liked. i've come to several conclusions. a. i need to drink less. b. when i do drink i need to be more restrained. while tonight was not something along the lines of me instigating a fight, it was more so how i ended it. i in no way think what i did was a good way to end the night. i punched a window, i have never been like that in my entire life. i have been angry, but never towards other property. i got punched in the head twice. and while i do not think that my actions were in any way justified. i am just simply disappointed in myself. i do not care to tell the story, although some of the parts are rather funny. i need to take these things more seriously. i am sorry to anyone i disappointed tonight, but most of all i disappointed myself. in the coming weeks i may drink but it will be far less and with far less consequences that can happen. sorry for anyone that had to deal with this.

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u don't know i have this, but u are beautiful. and even if u deny it, u are the only person that matters when u are around me. and i get nervous around u. it's a great feeling.

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to continue my last post, this is the end of big fish. and this man never knew his father and in my eyes i didn't either. and yet he is able to have this elaborate story to end this man's life that he has told that he didnt want anything to do with it for years. it is truly and amazing story, and i am in tears as i watch this.

things like this make me want and miss everything i have never had. someday i want this.

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so far tonight i have watched one full movie and that is "across the universe" you can find from my various facebook status' that it was based on the beatles. i love this movie because it tells a tale about love.

i am now watching big fish, which deals with love and an incredible imagination. the imagination is the biggest part of the story. there has never been a movie in which i had almost cried before it even began. the underlying story is of love and that's why i watch it. while i have an amazing imagination love is the thing i lack most. we have been through this a few blogs ago about my inability to tell the ones i love the truth.

someday i will concur this fear i have and i will in turn be able to tell the people i love most that i love them each and every day. when i have a kid or kids everyday before i leave for work i will tell them i love them. i will give them a kiss (which is something i cannot do on my own) and tell them i love them. because i know the value of love. i will love my children with everything, if it is birth defect, trouble, things i don't agree with, i will love them like my mother loves me. unconditionally. she will never see this post simply because she has no clue of this blog but knowing that everyone who reads this knows, is fine enough for me.

i can't wait to finish this movie tonight, i love it.

someday my life will be more perfect than anyone could ever imagine.

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homeward bound.

this has been probably the longest since i have ever been home. there is not one full reason as to why, but i just simply haven't made it home since christmas. ill be home this saturday, and although i've been asked to go to numerous places this weekend i simply cannot miss my nephew's birthday. last year was the first time i ever made it to one, and i am determined not to miss any more of them. it may not mean much to him now, but if i weren't there and then he grows up and i'm never around ill miss it. that's how i feel about my niece as well. everytime i come home i have to see them unless it has only been a few days. life is in an odd place right now. i just know that when i'm home this weekend ill be able to spend it with the people that mean a lot to my life even if i can't express it.
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the bucket list

so i have started a bucket list that i will now update every time a new idea comes into my head. in about 8 hours i have come up with 26 things. i will never tell anyone everything on my list, but i will tell some things to various people. i am really happy i started this list. it has taken me 23 years to figure that i want to do various things before i die. it'll be cliche that i wrote a list because of the new mtv series "the buried life" but i want to put my ideas to paper. so in the event i do one of these things i will write about it in this blog. so look forward to the coming days, weeks, months, years. i will also start posting photos that i believe are worthy. a lot of changes are coming up and i am excited.
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so as i sit down to watch "where the wild things are" for the second time in maybe a month i see it from a different perspective this time around. this first time i was well stoned out of my mind. this time i am completely sober. it is troubling to me that i was like max at this age, but never had the imagination. i really want to start watching more movies like this. recently i watched mr. magorium's wonder emporium and i enjoyed it thoroughly. it has been years since i have broken out such movies as finding nemo and monster's inc. the battle to grow up is always there. but movies like this make me happy i am still a kid at heart.

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everyone has their songs. when i die i want jesus christ to play by brand new. why? because the lyrics speak to my faith.

"jesus christ that's a pretty face, the kind you'd find on someone you could save."

there's other lyrics like that and they have always spoke to me.

i have said last night that there's one song that truly describes me.
it has taken 23 years 7 months and 6 days to find that song.

that song is flaws by the spill canvas. i really cannot think of any other song that makes me feel like that. it describes my way with women, my way with friends and what id do for true love.
it's clearly obvious that i've always wanted the nuclear family.
a wife a few kids a dog a white picket fence. those things.
but if anyone ever reads the great gatsby the american dream is so different. do i want the american dream? the answer is yes. but at what cost i do not know? if i could be happy with a wife that i could look into her eyes everyday tell her i love her and express my love through song instead of words, id be happy. i talk to people always, but it is so hard for me to express love, joy or feelings. realistically i never say i love my mom when we get off the phone, she says love u and i say you too. i have a hard time embracing friends with hugs unless i truly mean it and unless i truly want a hug between us. i've never hugged my sister-in-law and have told my brother i love him maybe 5 times in my life. i know this is not healthy, but i have no idea what true feelings are. the happiness i see in my niece and nephew is something different and i can kiss my niece tell her i love her but it is different. i don't come home often and i am sort of content with that, i never say i love you mom but it is something i wish i could say. my brother knows i love him, but it's so hard to embrace that. my aunt who has lived 2 streets away my entire life can say i love u, which is odd and has only happened a few times and i can say it back. but love honestly is so hard to say and express.

i only hope some day i can say i love someone and embrace that. because love is a beautiful thing, and although i think i have experienced it i know i really haven't and really want that. but have no idea how to express it.


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tonight was my usual walk home. i've begun to tell people about my place, but very few truly understand it. my coat wasn't warm enough to stay long. but i think from now on whenever i am stressed ill go there with a beer or two and just sit. i love having a great soundtrack for it, but even if there is no music ill be ok with that.

as many read last night i became angry. my left hand is really bruised and many know of it if they saw it. ive had advice from some to take my anger out in other ways. but as i said before there is nothing better than punching something and the pain being felt in your hands.

i'm at my apartment alone, again. but tonight i am not angry. tonight i am not happy. tonight i am not sad. tonight i am simply me.

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if u know me you know that every friday night i walk by the pier. tonight however, i felt way more different and as you walk from sidetracks there is a barricade. for the first time in my life i walked over the barricade alone. it was hard because well i am fat. but i sat underneath the pier for about 20 minutes. just listening to the words and sounds that the water gave to me. after a while i walked over the barrier and walked over to the other side. the other side was more snow felt but i found a place. i listened to that water. much like i do every friday, instead it was a thursday. i thought of jumping in despite it being freezing cold and it being the huron river.

tonight was a weird night, i was told by many i need to change my approach to women, and although it is hard to say, it has been nearly a year since i have experienced sex. people say i need to be an asshole more. but that truly is not me. most people that meet me see that in a way but i truly am not. i hate being labeled that and i've been labeled as heartless and it has truly hurt me more than words can ever explain.

i was an angry kid growing up. i can say that i hit my mother although it is really hard to admit. being without a father i felt my life as angry. since moving to ypsi far away from the problems deep in my heart i have had maybe a few uproar's. tonight was one of them. my left hand is killing right now. why was i angry? i really truly don't know. but seeing blood on my knuckles makes it less painfull. my right hand has always been a haven for cigarette burns. before tonight there were three. now there are 5. the are really close to the other three, but id rather have those than cut marks all over my arms. call that bad but i still have cut marks from maybe 10 years ago. id rather have these little circles to remind me that at one time i was depressed. granted they are not a good way to channel the anger or sadness i possess, but it's better than nothing. it is so rare in these past 3 years that i have gotten to this point and i am so happy for that. the lack of anger i now possess is so much different than what i ever thought would work. i have 3 ft holes in my walls in my room at home. and i hate that iwas so angry. i take the pills now and for the most part i am a drone. meaning i rarely cry i rarely get angry. but tonight, tonight i was angry. maybe for reasons relating to others but mostly because of me.

people will love or hate me for my problems. i can only hope that someone some day will love me for them, and not hate me.



i have my issues over anger and in the past few weeks those have come to know me.

i just want happiness.

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i want to start taking more risks and living each day like my last.

so nothing new to report.
wednesday hasn't been the best towards me. i got denied for unemployment.
i started to drink alone. and this is what i needed.
i talked to a friend that understands me like no one i can imagine. she knows exactly what i see or feel without telling her every detail.
life isn't amazing and nor is it worse ever.
but in the past few days i have come to something along the lines of everything happening for reasons. and that someone has a plan. i have been agnostic for so many years. i never not believed in a god. but still so unsure of what the purpose of everything is and what the american dream still is.

i can sit here and fight everything but the american dream is what i am after. it is what everyone is after. but what is the dream?

in other words, i need to read the great gatsby again.

3 weeks pot smoking free
almost 3 weeks of no fast food (not including pizza).
4 weeks of unemployment.
1 week of eating less than 2000 calories.

i think this is the most steps i have taken for a better life than anything i can ever remember.

don't know if or how much weight i have lost. but after walking around, i have noticed my pants are a lot looser. i jsut want my stomach to be less loose because i want to wear size large t-shirts once again

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