dear world,

today was a day that does not happen often even though i refuse to admit it. it was a day in which i had to go get my car, everyone that knows and or drinks with me realizes i drive home a lot. i realize it is a terrible idea. and in the past few days have just left the car. maybe it is a sober driver maybe it is just me not wanting to fuck up more than i already have.

today is thursday. in a day or 2 i will go away for the weekend. everyone that knows me realizes a few things:
i always have my blackberry in my hand
i am an asshole
i love to drink

the first being the most important for the weekend. it will be off, i will do my best to not even turn it on. i know iwont respond to anything but it will be liberating. i need this weekend. i get to go to a zen place of someone that i can safely say is beautiful inside and out.

i need more tattoo's i have come to the conclusion i just want an old english L in the middle of my neck below my neck line.
i may bring some paper along for the weekend only to write a paper version of this blog which will be backdated accordingly.
look i know i don't have many readers. but this blog is me. this writing is me. ive never been ashamed of me writing. and never will. accept me for who i am or fuck off.


!2:10

is it bad that i feel like will, from good will hunting? a wise friend has told me this movie is more about self discovery than about love. and after looking at it more closely, i feel the same. but i think i am will, but less smart. ill never give my self credit. and i can probably never figure out the shit he did. but he needed that extra push. and i feel like i do too. whatever it is, i just need it.

edit: the accents are terrible. but seeing this the second time affleck says i hope one day ill come see you and you wont be there.
why can't this be me some day? this could be my notebook.


!2:10

school

i have known, since a few weeks ago my grades were going to be terrible. i am basically 9 hours closer to graduation when i had hoped to be 19 hours closer. the only fault is my own. most were online classes. i wont make excuses. i failed. and i failed hard. every class but one hour is being retaken in the fall. i will graduate in december. dont care how much it takes. there is a bet that i cant get a 3.0 in my last semester. i know i can. i just need to do it. not so much for the case of beer, but i've done the 3.3 before without really trying. most of my classes are online in the fall. whatever it is i need to get my ass in gear. i need to walk across that stage if for nothing else than for my mom my father and i. chris didnt graduate college because he never really had to go. electrical work requires a different type of schooling. dad graduated and tried for his masters with us as young kids, he never fulfilled it. i want to. whatever that degree is in i want that for me. i dont care how long it takes i will get a masters in something. i will finish my father's work.

!2:10

i'm going on a vacation this weekend. well it is only a few days but who cares. dont get me wrong, i love going to my mom's but this will be different. i wont have my phone on except once a day at midnight to see my emails and what not. i am truly excited about this endeavor. i havent really ever spent a weekend with a friend and her parents the first time i see them. either way, i expect to sit on a porch and read a lot.

school is out. i got my grades and i did decent in the classes i didnt fail.

all in all, i'm looking forward to this summer immensely.

in other news good will hunting is such an amaing movie. i am angry at myself for not seeing it sooner.

!2:10

tonight is probably the first saturday in months that i did not go out. i barely even left my apartment except to get my mail.
it was adifferent day in itself that i am usually not used to.

school is done, work is going alright and i am not stressed as much. however, there is still something lingering from the semester and that's a girl everytime i think she is gone she comes back in and i get roped back. is this healthy? absolutely not. will anything ever happen again? probably not. i miss her around but understand that she doesnt want me the way i want her.

next weekend should be a calm peaceful way to get away from everything.

!2:10

alls i can totally say is that last night was amazing. tonight was great. and i cant wait for my summer.
and last night was just great.

this could be my favorite summer ever.

!2:!0

another year another 10k

another year is over in school. and yet i am still one semester away from graduation. this semester i fucked up terribly, online classes and laziness are what screws me over. so ill repeat a few classes in the fall and graduate in december.

i believe this summer will better than last. even though last summer was purely amazing. ive added some great new friends in the past year to my already strong core. some friends are becoming closer than one could ever imagine and that is probably the best thing in the world.

i'm excited for what lies ahead.

!2:10

my appetite is finally coming back. i don't know what it was. if there was stress possibly that lead me to that that could be the case. that stress is now defunct. which is nice. granted what could have been would have been amazing. but i guess in time it wasnt right. a friend tells me "love should never be that hard" maybe that is totally true. we'll see. ive also come to realize i have a great group of friends. they are pretty fucking awesome.

that is all !2:10

the last few days have seemed almost clustered all together.
going through the motions and trying to get rid of things and start new things. this week hasnt been terrible.
better than the last for sure. but then again it is only wednesday.

i really want more ink done. it's annoying i can't pay for that.

my life is shit right now.


everything i thought? i was wrong.

where are my keys? i have no idea. my extra set of keys wouldnt have done me good in this case.

my stratus? at trader joes. why? because the transmission sucks.great. gotta love my life.

kat? for all purposes gone. maybe friends. cool. but not for what i saw us as.

i just need to sleep for a while. a few weeks.

o an ps my knee is fucked up again. great.

it's really upsetting for a person like me to want something so bad and it slips through your fingers.
theres a girl ive been after for a few months now, a few dates here and there. hanging out every day at times. was it all friendship? maybe. but other things tell me different. this girl was amazing to me. i finally let myself go with her, meaning i let my walls down. i can say that with others like anna i did the same but not in this way. it's hard to explain. either way, she found someone different. maybe better who knows. alls i know is that i really want this girl still. and it sucks i cant have her. i just am tired of waiting for someone to come along.

!2:!0

a semester to remember

this semester has brought me a lot of pain. i was supposed to graduate in may. 19 hours was way too much to take. especially when you are me. i have to retake at least 8 hours of classes. it's my own fault. i could take those 8 hours in the spring and summer. but i need the spring and summer off. i'm tired of school, although i don't attend it that often. i just need a break from that. i almost need a break from life as well. but if i don't have to worry about one of the 5 things that run my life then i can focus on the other four areas.
love
friendship
family
work
those are not in the order of importance. but those are 4 of the 5 things that run my life. 2 of those are going quite well. while one of them is confusing to say the least and the other was going well until i fucked it up.

whatever it is, may 1st will come with a good rejuvenation.

!2:10