drunk man's words a sober man's thoughts

have you ever had a certain phrase that always rings true to anything that has ever happened? although i drink a lot and am content with that one phrase has always maintained truthfulness. that is what the title of this blog is. there have been so many times in my life i have come home drunk at my mother's and begun to spit off everything in life. i think with all the drunk conversations i have had i could write a book. basically the last posts i have done are late at night when i have time to reflect on the days' events.

not much happened today except i got to see probably my best friend and his wife start to welcome their first child in life. it was only the baby shower. it was my first and i felt so awkward. but if it hadn't been that friend's baby shower or a select few i would not have attended. i woke up drunk this afternoon, after a long night of drinking. had to drive an hour for the shower and although when i got there i felt out of it. i also felt like it was something truly amazing. don't get me wrong i love my niece and her being born was simply amazing, but i am so much closer with my friend than my brother. it is odd but i feel like it is the same for him as well. i felt like if i hadn't gone today it would have been one of the worst things i have ever done. him and i both lost our fathers at too young of an age, and although it has come up maybe once in the existence of our friendship it doesn't need to. there's a mutual understanding that life sucks.

in my life there has been the absence of a best friend for plenty of years, but in the last one i have come content with calling him that.

it is one of those things that is sacred to me. i have a hard time telling my mom i love her. i have a hard time showing any affection even if it is a hug between mutual friends. i never initiate hugs, and rarely give a kiss on the check. it is such an odd thing for me to ever do that to anyone.

i've rambled too much for one night

!2:10

people have taught me that blogging under the influence is the best thing possible. i have known for many years that "a sober man's thought's are a drunk man's words."

lately i have written blogs less sober than usual. and tonight is one example. a good night, but when i walk home i tend to want to be alone. i walked with a good friend and although he walked by the pier with me, i felt empty to do that with someone else. no words can explain the disappointment felt, and the displeasing i told a great friend.

next week, ill be alone again and if i am not i will be severely disappointed much like i was tonight.

!2:10

faith.

there hasn't been a time in my life where religion has come up more. the majority of my friends are catholics. i was raised catholic at least to the point of making my confirmation. but lately things like certain saints and beliefs have come up to a point. this is where i will now state my beliefs and explain them in a way. i believe something created us. while i do believe there was something beyond any one god as told by evolution, i still think some god exists of some kind. but i do not believe in one god and one god only. i understand some beliefs of the minor but everchanging major religions in the world. and i agree to some aspects of them. there have been times in my life which i never share with anyone, which i will now share in which i knew there was something. my first example is in high school, i am unsure of the grade at which this occurred but know that i was mildly depressed. i remember crying on the desk that was once my father's and felt an arm around my back. like a pat that everything would be ok. i turned around and noone was there. also back in high school i would become upset fairly easily before i discovered zoloft. i lived close to jefferson which would take you to detroit. i remember one such instance in which i drove down to close to woodward, i drove via jefferson. as i knew where i was on woodward because woodward is to me the washtenaw or other common roads, i started driving on washtenaw to east bound 94. i was at a red light, i see a guy in my passenger side and he looks at me and tips his hat. i have never once been scared in detroit. many people i know are often scared but i have never. with that tip of the hat i got on eastbound 94 back to my home town. i could easily have taken woodward to big beaver, and taken that home completing a square. but i did not. things like that or certain things like go left go right don't go have always made me stop and think. i also think karma is real. recently i had an ex-girlfriend's mother's book sell on half.com. instead of pocketing the money which i thought or simply giving that money back to the ex, i instead cancelled the transaction. i just believe that if i took that money bad things would happen

if that isn't some sort of faith or belief then i do not know what it is.
i will safely say i am agnostic although if i had to gun to my head believe in something christianity would be it. i don't believe ill ever find one god to rule them all. i have my reasons because of various things that happen. but do i believe in something. yes. what it is? i have no idea. will i ever want to narrow it down? probably not.

!2:10

walks

as i walk home from the bar i tend to take everything in. tonight was a different setting as i was in downtown ypsilanti instead of depot town. as i walk home towards my apartment there are plenty of bars on the right. you find a crappy bar before you cross michigan avenue. this is where i first turned on music on my phone. as i walk across the street with snow around me falling on my jacket and head, i listen to eddie vedder "long nights" from into the wild. i see bars on my left pub 13 all those bars. i see a strip club with bright neon lights and i continue to walk. i walk to the parking lot and due to the lack of covering snow falls even more on me. Long nights has now ended and i turn to "sleeping sickness" by city and colour. i walk across the parking lot and notice that my footprints have never been there before due to the snow. i start to walk in a way i never have before. i make it my mindset to walk where noone has walked before. i get to the sidewalk turn behind me and see a stump, as well as cars either at the strip club or the bars. i smile and leave. i make my way to washtenaw, where i turn left en route to my apartment. sleeping sickness is now over and i turn on "waiting" by the same band. i notice footprints to the right of me. i make it to walk to the left and continue to walk watching every snow ridden step. i hear the snow crackling beneath my feet, and again think to myself i am the first person to walk this route. i make it to my mailbox, and know that i am once again home. home alone nonetheless but with a smile on my face, because i alone experienced this walk. and although people may walk this route, they will make a mis-walk at somepoint and this route will always be my own.

!2:10

two weeks and pot smoking free. it is a record for me. i have been asked several times throughout the 2 weeks to smoke but i decline. why? well there are a few reasons.
1. i need a job and most jobs require testing
2. i have no money, and pot always gives me the munchies.
3. i just haven't felt like it.

although, i haven't smoked i still feel at times like a void is there. while i do not intend to always smoke, i however think it is a decent and healthy part of my life.

!2:10

this last week and a half has been odd for me. i am faced with no job and a money supply running thin. i do not spend much money at the bar, but i tend to go out to them more often. the first few months of a single apartment were decent. but i am starting to get lonely, i have been in a funk lately. i tend to listen to acoustic music that is both depressing and amazing. i still hang out with friends but at times avoid it due to sleep. i need to get out of this funk and start being relatively happy together because tylenol pm can only get you through so much. i don't care who reads this. but whoever answers, what do u want to do before you die?

things

my name has changed due to the fact that i no longer want things to be associated with my real name. that gives the aurora of being anonymous among other things. it has been roughly one week since i have stopped smoking pot. i stopped smoking in hopes of getting a job and passing a drug test. i am not like most in that pot was never a gateway into other things but simply a gateway away from things. it hasn't been hard because most of my regular friends do not smoke. but i still crave it. i wish to smoke it again at another time once i get a job, but wont until then. i hope it is sooner rather than later, and while i was never addicted i do enjoy it as much as most other things.

i have begun to start a new workout regime which if you know me is not something i normally do. looking at myself in the mirror or just looking at my stomach i see lines i see stretch marks and i see the shell of what i used to be. it is sad to look and see old photos of when i was skinny or less fat depending on how u look at it. i just want to be a better person and want to be healthier not because it will make me look better, but for the strict fact that i never have cared about my body. my liver is probably shot from various liquors and over the counter medicines. but i want to be able to handle my kids some day.

i still take my little blue happy pill also known as zoloft although lately i have forgotten to take it. i know that i forget when i start to get emotional. i think this drug is amazing in that it makes me feel less, but is also bad becuase i am unable to cry. growing up i was able to cry on command. despite what people think, i am a very emotional person and have always been. once u get past this wall that i have put up since my move to ypsilanti u will see a very loving caring emotional guy who just wants to be loved. i hope that someone soon will care enough to get through that wall and see the true me.

!2:10

Music

many people often times say how music always touches their lives and how they cannot go a day without listening to some. i find that in myself more and more as the days go by. after the bar, ill come home to an empty apartment, and while i am not complaining i love to come home and turn onto some music. it is really odd that a certain version of one song i keep coming back to. that is the bonnaroo 2008 version of death cab for cutie's "transantlanticism." i may have not spelt that correctly but at this point in time i do not care in the slightest. i love this song. i think it is amazing and every version i listen to is amazing. but the bonnaroo version stands out because of the beginning. ben gibbard lead singer says "as the sun sets on bonnaroo, so does it for death cab for cutie. thanks for coming you guys." there are very few bands that i remember listening to for the first time. death cab is one of those few. and i cannot help but love this song and almost all of their songs. i hope to one day see them with someone special and look into her eyes as i serenade her with ben's amazing lyrics. that is all i have to write for now.

!2:10