everyone has their songs. when i die i want jesus christ to play by brand new. why? because the lyrics speak to my faith.

"jesus christ that's a pretty face, the kind you'd find on someone you could save."

there's other lyrics like that and they have always spoke to me.

i have said last night that there's one song that truly describes me.
it has taken 23 years 7 months and 6 days to find that song.

that song is flaws by the spill canvas. i really cannot think of any other song that makes me feel like that. it describes my way with women, my way with friends and what id do for true love.
it's clearly obvious that i've always wanted the nuclear family.
a wife a few kids a dog a white picket fence. those things.
but if anyone ever reads the great gatsby the american dream is so different. do i want the american dream? the answer is yes. but at what cost i do not know? if i could be happy with a wife that i could look into her eyes everyday tell her i love her and express my love through song instead of words, id be happy. i talk to people always, but it is so hard for me to express love, joy or feelings. realistically i never say i love my mom when we get off the phone, she says love u and i say you too. i have a hard time embracing friends with hugs unless i truly mean it and unless i truly want a hug between us. i've never hugged my sister-in-law and have told my brother i love him maybe 5 times in my life. i know this is not healthy, but i have no idea what true feelings are. the happiness i see in my niece and nephew is something different and i can kiss my niece tell her i love her but it is different. i don't come home often and i am sort of content with that, i never say i love you mom but it is something i wish i could say. my brother knows i love him, but it's so hard to embrace that. my aunt who has lived 2 streets away my entire life can say i love u, which is odd and has only happened a few times and i can say it back. but love honestly is so hard to say and express.

i only hope some day i can say i love someone and embrace that. because love is a beautiful thing, and although i think i have experienced it i know i really haven't and really want that. but have no idea how to express it.


!2:10