death. life. what is it really?

so tonight, as i came home alone. i have started to apologize to people. people have so less recccolections than what i do. yet i still feel bad. realistically, i was a fucking piece of shit in high school and middle school. if i didn't like u you knew it. i want to make things right. maybe it is too late, maybe it is not. but when you go to a death of a 98 yr old, and people are still there that aren't just family, i want that to be me. maybe i won't make it there. maybe i won't make to even thirty. but as i went to a funeral of a 98 year old uncle or cousin, i knew some of my family. i made it so i didn't talk to them. i just sat in the back. listening watching. my mother finally sat next to me saying "sorry i wanted to say hi to everyone" it's not the family i clearly talk to often. but i was there. i've been a ghost to my family for the past decade. even if it is the family i don't talk to often. but ill always be there at a funeral. my mother used to go to them so often i could count. i go there, family or not. and i sit in the back. i don't say hi to anyone that doesn't say hi to me first. often times it is before my brother gets there. typically it is my brother they know more than me and i am simply "remember this guy". it sucks, but that is how i have always been. i value family. i really do but to me my brother has always been the golden child. when i had the chance to move i did it. why? because i didn't have to live in the shadow, instead of my mom going o he couldn't come it would be moreso he couldn't come into town. look i love my family i really do. but it is often times hard for me to connect with them when it has been so long since i last did. in the lees family i have ryan. he always watched us, i was always an asshole even as a little kid. he has his family and i see little of him. it is like that with my cousin fred too. i wish i could see them more. but is it wrong for me to think that i have lost so much touch with them that i have no idea where to begin? seeing uncle harry tonight at 98, made me think wow why the fuck didn't i know him better. i see my uncle pete. will smith ears, i barely remember him because i am never around. but secretly, i want to know his life. i want to write everything about it. i never will have the guts to do so but i wish i could. i wish i could know the lives of so many others because it would take me away from my life.