exit here, a second read through

I bought exit here for the second time a week or two ago. I read it in about three sittings. Tonight I read about half the book as I always seem to do when I get to a certain point in books. Granted I saw the sun come up because I was reading but I'm not upset about it. This book is easily one of my favorites and makes me realize that although I feel my life is extremely fucked up that there's always worse out there. This may not lead to me being more optimistic in life but at least I understand it.
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ive never been one for regrets. never really believed in them. but if i could take back one night, not be me for one night just to have you around like i did before i would. whether i can have you as i truly think we'd ne alright or not i want you back. you get me like noone else ever could. every idea i have you never thought it was crazy or stupid the majority of the time youd come and appreciate it. i miss you, i miss the way we were. i hate going to movies now, that was our thing. some of the best times of my life in the past few years are because of you and now i feel like nothing. maybe it is better for you on your end, but if it hurts someone who was like your brother that much then how can it be truly that great? i think of you every day. you can have whoever you want if it isnt me but we were close and i feel like i was disposed of. just come back.
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lovey dovey movies about people with other people then finally realizing that they actually want to be with eachother annoy the shit out of me. one such movie is what is currently playing which is just go with it. it is an alright movie but it just makes me feel lonely. i hate this feeling of just blah. i want something to be better, to feel better to be realistically happy. i just dont know how to do that. and i just feel lonely.

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pittsburgh

pittsburgh this weekend was great. but i think the best part was looking out the window as we traveled on the mega bus seeing the beautiful scenery and listening to amazing music. ive also start to reevaluate certain things relating to myself and my life. im hoping it is a change for the better. i love traveling, i want to do it more.

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money

I know I am no good with money. I've been trying to be more responsible lately and plan to cut up two of my credit cards shortly. By years end I want to have at least my paypal cleared out and canceled. I need to get my debt under control. The first step? Leaving cash instead of taking it all so that I won't spend it. Also less stupid things, I didn't need that pipe. I did need my sandals. I may have even less money to spend with trying to clear out, but I'm ok with that, I need to think of my future.

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almost always i have someone i talk to on a daily basis, usually it is a female and that is usually one i am attracted to. right now i do not have anyone i am currently like that with. this is the first time in years that i hadnt talked to anyone. whether it is in a friend or a relationship sort of way. i am enjoying it in some ways by just not being around my phone as much. i also have become quite bored. i thought i had more to read.

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lack of thoughts

while i have had many thoughts to write down in this blog over my absence i feel the need not to really tell them within this. to sum it up, things arent great things arent bad. things are just things. and lately i've become content with that. i have changed my surroundings by moving into a house with two of my good friends and i feel a little different. like maybe something good will start soon. again sorry for the lack. but i am at 175 my goal is to get to 200 by my birthday.

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