when 26 becomes 27

the world has changed in only one year. you have me getting a new job thinking it could be a career. and while that still may be the end goal, im unsure of what that future holds for me. i havent grown any relationships in this past year. if anything ive either severed or strained most of those. it is partly my fault, partly not having any money and partly being selfish. i see these things, but honestly i dont have the power at this time to change them completely. everything is a two way street, and i feel most times i was the one making the efforts. this has come up in the past and maybe i just made the efforts and didnt mind them as much but now i dont see many people because of the efforts of them and i. i dont feel that i have a person to confide in anymore. yes you have small bits here and small there, but never anyone that knows it all. if i could sum up year 26 id say mostly lonely, a little cloudy, with very little alcohol. ive cut down considerably, drinking every few months or so. i think back to how i used to be, mostly in my apartment drinking admiral a lot. and not wanting to be like that again. i see that was not the best person, and i cant necessarily change that but i feel like ive changed slightly. my anger is still there but rarely, maybe its the self medication or zoloft. either way im ok with that being gone. im tired of saying this will be my year, so i just hope i can continue with a steady job and who knows maybe end up being able to do the things i want to do without sacrificing eating or other things. i dont have much to say anymore, i can sum the last year up into just a shoulder shrug. im not really excited about turning 27, with the exception of tonight i didnt plan on going out. i just planned it as being a normal weekend. thats my world now. stay in, watch netflix. it's lonely, but it's also safe.  someday i hope the world will turn in my favor but as the years go on i get more frustrated. maybe it is me not taking those leaps. but maybe i just dont have the resources to do so. i have the want, i want to be great. i want to have kids, i want a wife. but i feel like my time on this earth is numbered lower than most others. im ok with that, ive never built my body for longevity. we'll see what the rest of my 20's make up. i just want success. success on my terms, my definition, which only i know.

!2:10