when 26 becomes 27

the world has changed in only one year. you have me getting a new job thinking it could be a career. and while that still may be the end goal, im unsure of what that future holds for me. i havent grown any relationships in this past year. if anything ive either severed or strained most of those. it is partly my fault, partly not having any money and partly being selfish. i see these things, but honestly i dont have the power at this time to change them completely. everything is a two way street, and i feel most times i was the one making the efforts. this has come up in the past and maybe i just made the efforts and didnt mind them as much but now i dont see many people because of the efforts of them and i. i dont feel that i have a person to confide in anymore. yes you have small bits here and small there, but never anyone that knows it all. if i could sum up year 26 id say mostly lonely, a little cloudy, with very little alcohol. ive cut down considerably, drinking every few months or so. i think back to how i used to be, mostly in my apartment drinking admiral a lot. and not wanting to be like that again. i see that was not the best person, and i cant necessarily change that but i feel like ive changed slightly. my anger is still there but rarely, maybe its the self medication or zoloft. either way im ok with that being gone. im tired of saying this will be my year, so i just hope i can continue with a steady job and who knows maybe end up being able to do the things i want to do without sacrificing eating or other things. i dont have much to say anymore, i can sum the last year up into just a shoulder shrug. im not really excited about turning 27, with the exception of tonight i didnt plan on going out. i just planned it as being a normal weekend. thats my world now. stay in, watch netflix. it's lonely, but it's also safe.  someday i hope the world will turn in my favor but as the years go on i get more frustrated. maybe it is me not taking those leaps. but maybe i just dont have the resources to do so. i have the want, i want to be great. i want to have kids, i want a wife. but i feel like my time on this earth is numbered lower than most others. im ok with that, ive never built my body for longevity. we'll see what the rest of my 20's make up. i just want success. success on my terms, my definition, which only i know.

!2:10 

st drunken day?

ive had 1 beer since new year until today. i had myself so psyched for it, gonna get trashed and live my old ways. but when reality happens, i dont get like that. im not sure if just the opportunity wasnt there or that i just dont drink like i used to. i noticed i started out fast today but only ended up drinking 8-9 in a 6 hr span. i feel like i am a shell of my former self when it comes to drinking these past few months. maybe its finally my body telling me no, or me being older or something but i just dont like getting trashed like i used to. maybe this will change. maybe this is growing up. either way it is weird to me.
!2:10

how safe it is to feel safe.

so things have changed slightly. my assistant manager at work is on leave, with a lot of thought that it is permanent. so i naturally pick up the slack because im the asst. manager in training. in a week its changed from no responsibility to much much more. now i stay alone the last hour of the work day. i like it. i hope this is the step in the right direction. i never to say i can see myself doing _____ in 20 years, but im able to say i like this job and i think ive found my niche.

otherwise i work, and sit in my room all night.  i dont go out much or really do anything, and im somewhat ok with it. i feel guilty spending money on things i dont need, because i am so far in debt to people. im trying the best i can to dig myself out of the hole i created for myself. im trying my hardest.

people get the long perception of me a lot. and i kind of understand it. ive never shown much of myself other than being mostly lazy. and really outside of work i am. but to doubt my work because of it annoys me. my home life and work life are not the same and actually are almost opposites. i realize i need to change my home me. and i have tin some regards but the people that dont see me often still think of me as a lazy guy. that bothers me. i just feel like im a piece of shit sometimes and i dont feel like i actually am one. perceptions need to change.

!2:10

The first month and a half

The first month and a half of this year has gone by faster than I can imagine. I spend most nights still in my room, and it isn't the worst thing in the world. I realize I don't talk to people as much lately and for the most part I don't do it on purpose. I've been exhausted with work almost daily. I enjoy my job. I think I've found my niche. I work my ass off and hopefully soon it will pay off. Im working on me.

12:!0