if u know me you know that every friday night i walk by the pier. tonight however, i felt way more different and as you walk from sidetracks there is a barricade. for the first time in my life i walked over the barricade alone. it was hard because well i am fat. but i sat underneath the pier for about 20 minutes. just listening to the words and sounds that the water gave to me. after a while i walked over the barrier and walked over to the other side. the other side was more snow felt but i found a place. i listened to that water. much like i do every friday, instead it was a thursday. i thought of jumping in despite it being freezing cold and it being the huron river.

tonight was a weird night, i was told by many i need to change my approach to women, and although it is hard to say, it has been nearly a year since i have experienced sex. people say i need to be an asshole more. but that truly is not me. most people that meet me see that in a way but i truly am not. i hate being labeled that and i've been labeled as heartless and it has truly hurt me more than words can ever explain.

i was an angry kid growing up. i can say that i hit my mother although it is really hard to admit. being without a father i felt my life as angry. since moving to ypsi far away from the problems deep in my heart i have had maybe a few uproar's. tonight was one of them. my left hand is killing right now. why was i angry? i really truly don't know. but seeing blood on my knuckles makes it less painfull. my right hand has always been a haven for cigarette burns. before tonight there were three. now there are 5. the are really close to the other three, but id rather have those than cut marks all over my arms. call that bad but i still have cut marks from maybe 10 years ago. id rather have these little circles to remind me that at one time i was depressed. granted they are not a good way to channel the anger or sadness i possess, but it's better than nothing. it is so rare in these past 3 years that i have gotten to this point and i am so happy for that. the lack of anger i now possess is so much different than what i ever thought would work. i have 3 ft holes in my walls in my room at home. and i hate that iwas so angry. i take the pills now and for the most part i am a drone. meaning i rarely cry i rarely get angry. but tonight, tonight i was angry. maybe for reasons relating to others but mostly because of me.

people will love or hate me for my problems. i can only hope that someone some day will love me for them, and not hate me.



i have my issues over anger and in the past few weeks those have come to know me.

i just want happiness.

!2:10