things

my name has changed due to the fact that i no longer want things to be associated with my real name. that gives the aurora of being anonymous among other things. it has been roughly one week since i have stopped smoking pot. i stopped smoking in hopes of getting a job and passing a drug test. i am not like most in that pot was never a gateway into other things but simply a gateway away from things. it hasn't been hard because most of my regular friends do not smoke. but i still crave it. i wish to smoke it again at another time once i get a job, but wont until then. i hope it is sooner rather than later, and while i was never addicted i do enjoy it as much as most other things.

i have begun to start a new workout regime which if you know me is not something i normally do. looking at myself in the mirror or just looking at my stomach i see lines i see stretch marks and i see the shell of what i used to be. it is sad to look and see old photos of when i was skinny or less fat depending on how u look at it. i just want to be a better person and want to be healthier not because it will make me look better, but for the strict fact that i never have cared about my body. my liver is probably shot from various liquors and over the counter medicines. but i want to be able to handle my kids some day.

i still take my little blue happy pill also known as zoloft although lately i have forgotten to take it. i know that i forget when i start to get emotional. i think this drug is amazing in that it makes me feel less, but is also bad becuase i am unable to cry. growing up i was able to cry on command. despite what people think, i am a very emotional person and have always been. once u get past this wall that i have put up since my move to ypsilanti u will see a very loving caring emotional guy who just wants to be loved. i hope that someone soon will care enough to get through that wall and see the true me.

!2:10