goals

to ensure i become a better person in the coming hours, days, weeks, months, years i have outlined a few things for myself.
1. no more drunk driving at any costs. i realize what i did last weekend was a terrible thing and i shouldn't have done it. i made it safely but maybe next time i wont. i know i put myself on a crash course to bad things when i do it.
2. not rely on sedatives. no sedatives, which help me sleep. i need natural sleep. not shit with fucked up dreams and waking up nightly with sweat all over me.
3. be nicer to people. im definitely a shitty person to people at times. from making fun of them to being incredibly rude.
4. become less dependent on others and more dependent on myself. i find that i need people to kick my ass into gear. but i dont want that, i want things to be on my own.
5.  be more active. being more active in the world will leave me less time for my thoughts. my thoughts suck and need to be put away for obvious reasons.
6. eat healthier. it's no secret i eat like shit. i eat some type of premade meal at least once a day.

with that said, ill visit this entry on the day after christmas. i know i never look back at my old entries but i will this time. i need to.

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somewhere around midngiht

im unsure at times if i wish to continue this blog. however for now i will. i want to write in a journal, and over years and years have lots of them. but my hand from the many anger spells cannot write for longer than a few minutes. it starts to cramp and at times becomes unbearable to write with. ive never gone back and read my entries on !2:10 but used to occasionally used to read my live journal posts. i know if i look back ill just become unhappy again, granted there were spells of happiness since its inception but for the most part i pour my heart out in this thing day and night. im glad however that im using it more now than i used to. its comforting to write on this blog day in and day out. it helps always to put words down in some form, but at times i have a filter. i try to be as real as possible for the 3-5 readers i get, or the random readers i get. i just hope some day if i make it in this world i can finally get rid of this, when im happy. its in a way like batman in the dark knight rises. he was under a mask for so long much like i feel i am. i truly feel i identify with bruce wayne. in the movie him and john blake talk about acts, about how one has to constantly act to not so his true colors. i think that's me in a way. im a prick most days to people. with my humor it's second to none. but im hiding hiding who i know i am. a person that when given a great chance in life will always succeed. i know ive had plenty of failures in the past but i feel like if i have chances to be great i will. i just need those chances. greatness doesnt come over night. greatness is achieved after years. i am reminded of a dream i used to have, where i was under a waterfall with the water pouring down on me an i stick my head through the waterfall and it's slow motion and i slick my hair back. i want that crowning moment. more than ever. i want my moment in life, my saying to myself finally ive made it. i dont want to ever look back at my life and thats probably why i dont ever look at my past blogs. why i block out so many things in my life and never mention them simply because it is painful. i feel i dont identify with most people, and the people i do i have a hard time expressing my feelings. typing is easily my best relief. i cant talk to people on the phone and avoid it at all costs. because when i write i can go back and edit within the blog. i cant edit my phone conversations. i find that i can pour my heart out and do it in writing. maybe it's because when i write noone can see me or hear me except me. and i like that. i know my blog isnt anonymous but at times i want it to be. so people can see it objectively. i want life to happen. i want to be happy. i want to smile and have a real smile. i want to fall asleep without any sedative or being restless without it. i cant remember the last time i didnt take something to sleep. i hate thinking. hate not being able to fall asleep, i want to be tired. and to be tired starts with more activities. life can be great for some people. and thats what i want for life to be great. i want that climb of the mountain. im at the bottom of the mountain now and have a long way to go. im just glad i have this blog, to just write and write until i feel like i'm done. but im never done. theres so many thoughts and maybe writing them down on paper could translate into something.

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Run The Game

a few years ago, a good friend of mine turned me onto the author known as jason myers. his first book was much like the movie less than zero. but it was great, told the story of a man who left everything only to come back with a heavy heart. fast forward to his next book the mission which tells the story of a brother of a dead soldier in iraq, whom his brother promised to go see their favorite author. and then the third book a story about a boy who loves a girl and does everything for her. finally it came to my attention that he had just put another book out. loving and owning at least one copy of each book, (i am on my 3rd copy of exit here) and 2nd copy of the mission (which i still need to repurchase). but ive read this book "Run the Game" in about a week or so while listening to only instrumental music. such music as explosions in the sky and the social network soundtrack. this book was longer than any of his previous ones, up until today i was at the 350 of the 519 mark. and i finished the rest tonight. this story tells the life of a boy who fell for a girl. loved her and did everything for her. it was something out of the movies. however the ending was something that could be foreshadowed throughout the entire book with a will it wont it happen. it was a sad ending to a great book. all of these books are alike in some way. they all involve people who arent happy with their lives, who try to find themselves. however it's hard to in these books. they all involve heavy drug use and a common theme of destroy themselves to be happy. and come to think of it thats how ive lived my life. not necessarily with heavy drug use as i only have two drugs of choice, marijuana and alcohol. i live my life very hard, from the nights in my old apartment puking my guts out after drinking a half of a litre of admiral nelson, or the constant reminders of the scars from cigarette burns on my hands. my knuckles will never be the same. but im finding more and more that if i am going to live on into my thirties i need to take better care of myself. my insides hate me for the excessive drinking and for the most part i dont indulge as much as i used to. ive stopped smoking in the past month in hopes to better my life with job prospects, and even before i went on my mission to find a better job i wanted to quit on my birthday. 28 days later and i havent smoked. maybe it was leaving everything in a box that's 30 miles away or just being so incredibly poor to not be able to afford weed, or alcohol for that matter. i guess that's step one of everything. id love to have guidance it's always good to have someone to kick your ass into gear. im really hoping to better my life.

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dedication.

it seems the world is crashing down once more. the job i was offered was contingent on the passing of a drug test and background check. i took the drug test on wednesday. and while i hadnt done any drugs since july 1st it still is in my system. i know im not the most healthy individual out there but past tests were beat in less time than that. it was a job that couldve doubled my income. and once again i failed at it. i think life is starting to become one giant failure after another. whether it's failing a drug test, or not being able to get a fulltime job, or finishing college with a shitty gpa. i guess i never thought of the repercussions that graduating with a 2.6 gpa would do. i cant even really go back to school to get a masters because of the low gpa. im sick of all this. i cant even afford to pay my bills anymore. the holes getting dug deeper with no end in sight. it just hurts me to think what i couldve been and what i am now. it sucks. drinking would help cure some things but i cant even afford to do that. something needs to change and soon. im trying my hardest to make a better life for myself. i believe in karma, and judging by my negative karma ive been a pretty shitty person. which i dont think i really am. but apparently in the karma aspect im getting what i deserve. and well i dont wish this on anyone. it needs to change.

12:!0

popsi

as time has grown on, my father isn't coming bak. thats been made clear for almost the past 20 years. but as i hear more of his legacy i think of myself as a piece of shit. granted he was my father, and many would never say the negative of such a man i find that ive never heard anything negative. everyone always says what a great man he was what he did, how he did it. it  upsets me. the reason being  maybe im not this person. im a prick most days but he he just seems liek the best person in the world. i miss him so god damn much and in 20 years it has never gotten easier for me. maybe it has gotten easier for my brother or my mother but i donno it never has for me. i just want to be like him so much and i do have the constant desire to change. the desire to make things better the desire to be a better person et i cant do this. i dont know what it is. i just want to be half my father. i want to be half the man.

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i have never felt that i was born in the wrong time period. well until recently that is. i find myself going back in time and listening to music that was popular in the late 60's early 70's. based on my views on life and the world, i feel i wouldve flourished during this time period. with songs like "don't let me down" by the beatles or anything by neil young. it's no secret for my love of pink floyd and other music that was experimental during that time period. but i am noticing my distaste for current music becoming increasingly evident. music these days just doesnt add up to the music back then. i know that's cliche and what not but i love music. i love everything about it and find myself listening to the words of the songs more than the songs themselves. i mean don't let me down is an incredible song about love. to me one way to tell how music is, is the way it can be seen years into the future. it's crazy to think most of neil young's music is still relevant in every day life. even to listen to the beatles you can find songs that just are so beautiful and so moving that they can bring people to tears. i havent really thought of new tattoos since my last one, however i want let it be somewhere on my body. this song is easily one of my favorites. just so beautiful and moving. it's also times like this i think of my pops. i have most of his LP collection with most of the music that i listen to. the only bad thing is never being old enough to discuss the music with him. at age six i knew nothing of neil and the beatles. but now i do. maybe thats the thing i feel like ive missed out most on. ive had a great group of male father figures in my life, but the relationship with them isnt the same as i would have with my father. maybe music is the only way i feel like i can connect with him. whether it's the driving up north with my mother in the car listening to all the great music he left me and her telling me what he used to be into. it sucks to never have the chance to ask him what album had the most influence on him in his life. that's just one question id like. if it were the only thing i could ask him it would be that. forget everything else, music means more to me than people will ever understand and to connect with him on that level would have been the greatest thing i could do. here's to hoping his lp's continue to live on through me.

!2:10

stability has never been my specialty. ive thought though in the past year ive dealt with it better than in the past. but right now i feel like how i was before i moved out of my apartment. the misery, the feeling of loneliness. things im watching/listening to have reverted me back to this state. i dont deal with things well. which is why i take zoloft. i also smoke alot. and i gave that up 9 days ago. maybe thats what keeps me sane most of the time. im just worried what the future holds for me. in the past year ive taken it day by day night by night. but now i just dont know. i just need a sign of things being better. i dont want this rollercoaster to last forever as it has the past 26 years of my life. i am good at heart and i know that. i can look in the mirror, but i dont know who iam. i dont have that niche that most have where they know who they are. maybe i need to find myself. but i just dont know how.  i want a fresh start but dont know how. maybe this is the opportunity i need to just leave everything behind. there isnt one single thing that makes me feel like this. i just need to figure myself out for once. otherwise the misery continues. i can only smile so much before it becomes clear that i am just not happy.

!2:10

for thsi first time in maybe a year im watching the ending of six feet under. i havent cried in months. but today i am. i wish i still had my pier to walk to or my place to think. instead im confined to my bed and to my computer. i just want things to be better. the world will be better because of it. i just wish i had someone to talk to like i used to. i can have plenty of people around. but theres never someone there. loneliness is setting in and i hate it. they say misery loves company. maybe thats the reason im such an asshole to people.
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job

it really takes a lot for me to quit a job. ive only quit two other jobs in 10 years.  but tonight i  hit a breaking point of sorts. the job has become increasingly stressful since we came back in january. i just cant take the stress at times. and i couldnt tonight. i was almost in tears while talking to my mother about it. i couldnt stop shaking, much like when i get angry. but ive restrained myself from taking my anger out like i used to. one of my favorite shoes entourage had a common them. "things will work out, they always do" so here's to hoping this is true and will work. we'll see. really hoping my father guides me like he always does
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college

i knew leaving college i didnt want much to do with my political science degree. i mean i still dont know what the hell i want to do with my life. but ive realized i wasted 5.5 years getting a degree that is relatively useless. it sucks looking for tons of jobs and seeing how unqualified i am. at least with some people they have a skill that makes them have advantages over me. i wish i was just good at one thing. whether it be a certain skill trade, or high knowledge in a certain area. it really sucks knowing ill never use my degree, however i do have a degree. but i dont have much experience in most fields so to me it is hard to find. i need something. something thats actually full time. i have 2 part time jobs now, but ive never actually had a fulltime job. it really sucks going through life like this. i really need a pick me up
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