Year End

when this year started i recall saying how things were going to change. and well things have in ways. i am better off financially than i ever have been. i still worry about my money but im finding that its less stressful with a surplus than wondering how i can pay this bill and that bill. i dont have to borrow money from others anymore. ive paid off one credit card, and while it was cancelled forcing me to pay it off i still paid it.
besides that i have cut down my drinking a lot. i can now go a few weeks and not drink and be fine with it. granted i still have other vices but this one i feel was the worst. i also have not taken any type of benadryll since September. this along with drinking less has finally started to heal my liver.
i still eat like shit but its hard to changer that.
i feel like i have made strides this year more than past years and i feel good about that.
 with that being said
i didnt get to go to hessel this year. that was a bummer but i had just started a new job and couldnt do it.
i got to go to my first festival and it was amazing.
ive seen some good bands this year and i hope to see more in the next year.

my next year goals:
pay off another credit card.
go to another festival.
go to hessel.
move up to asst. manager instead of asst. manager in training.

im really hoping this next year continues to take me in the direction i want.

!2:10

I've noticed things lately. How passed flames come back sometimes and talk and only talk because they're newly single. I've found we talk a little. Then it goes quiet and then they're back with an ex. I don't like being that backup but tend to fall for it.
I find that certain songs I hear will take me back to a time of my life. I love that everything I cant remember stems from music. I hate having my computer die, I can't listen to new music. Don't get me wrong I have good music with me now. But I want more. Im greedy in that sense.
My new computer will start the transition into a different thing with my music. I will depend more heavily on memory cards than internal memory. The same applies for the tablet ill be purchasing soon.
Im still poor. I still live from paycheck to paycheck but im finally able to pay all of my bills.

12:!0

a2

i always have a large blog typed and erase it. most of it is babeling. im alright, my alcohol consumption is at a level im comfortable with although, the last few weekends and next week or two makes me uncomfortable. im nowhere near where i used to be. blacked out drinking beer and shots and driving. i limited myself today to a managible level. i also think lately of where i was, and i feel like im getting better. today i started to think fo myself without zoloft. and i wanted to try to ween myself off, but a minute later i took one. i do only take them every other day so ive cut down and remain at an alright level. im still unhappy with myself in most regards. but at least i dont have to ditch people to save money. and maybe thats just because this is an extra paycheck month. but im happy this month. i can afford to do good things for good people and show who i really am.

!2:10

it's rare that people can offend me. it's not too rare to annoy me. it's somewhat rare to get me pissed off. i attribute this to zoloft. i am not who i used to be when it comes to things said to me. now am i annoyed with things said, me finding out? yes definitely. but im not where i used to be. during the reception tonight i spaced out plenty of times. my mind was just blank. it was enjoyable. just to think of nothing. i really had intentions on writing a heartfelt post tonight but i dont know if i possess the capabilities. my one thing i can say, is that it would be great to have a family someday. my own.

!2:10

XX

as i sit in my bed after a work day i sit and think about what happened 20 years ago today. 20 years ago today i lost a piece of my life that ive never gained back. as the years have gone on i find that i wish i could talk to him. to understand life. growing up with a single parent wasnt incredibly hard. i am lucky for my family mainly my father's family for always being there. ill never forget that day. everything before is blurry. and everything after is different. im glad that ive come this far. i miss my father. i miss a guide.

!2:10

Im settling in nicely to this job. Im comfortable with it and feel that I work my ass off everyday and leave feeling tired. I've never had a job like this. Granted I still have yet to supervise anyone. But im still happy with it. I also am finally catching up on the past 3 years of life which is great.
!2:10

im a big fan of instant gratification. i hate waiting for results. i keep trying to get myself back up and get things in a normal path. i hate waiting until things start to straighten out. i just want everything now dammit. i hate this waiting around period, this going through the motions until i can actually make things happen. i want the now, im tired of the later.

!2:10

I could be wrong but it seems as though with the weather changing my hand will begin to ache. Its all my fault I put my hand through that pain but it does ache and hurt. I wonder what lasting effects it will have on my body in the years to come. I wish I could just flash forward awhile. To know im doing ok.
12:!0

Today has been the first time I haven't thought about taking some form of benedryl in years. Granted I just thought about it right before I wrote this but im glad im becoming independent of it. Im ready to shed this skin I've had for 3 years.
12:!0

Job

Its been about 3 weeks now since I started the new job, and while I don't mind the work im unsure if its a permanent fix. the money is decent or about double what I made but im not sure if working in a parts warehouse with 4 other people with two of them being managers that there's any room for growth. I realize I use that term as a big factor in leaving jobs. However I've never actually grown. The only one I can think of was the changing of departments at circuit city. Besides that its all new to me. Certainly I've tried with other jobs like country fresh but to no avail.
I've also stopped taking tylenol pm or benadryl in any case whatsoever. I've taken it for years just about every night and I blamed it on the shitty work schedule I had with two jobs. Now there's no excuse. I have set hours and schedule with little to no fluctuation. Which I like.
It will be nice to have money again and to finally pay things off that need to be paid. Im interested in what this job will have for me. I am trying to not be negative but I also mess up on things. Often times I go too fast to try to be more efficient. However sometimes I screw up and I don't like that happening so I guess I need to slow my roll down a bit.
!2:10

it's been a week of work. granted this work is probably not like the work ill be doing but ive been setting up a 28000 sq ft warehouse all week and i love it. i like working for my money. i like at the end of the day being tired from my job and being dirty. i am nowhere near where i want to be in my life, but im on my way and this first week made it feel like a leap instead of a step. im ready to be great, i know that in the past 2 to 3 years ive been nothing but an unhappy prick. i attribute that to being so broke and not knowing if i could eat, and having every single cent be accounted for. im smiling now. and im glad for that

!2:10

chapter iv. a new hope.

i dont get to go to hessel this year. this is the 20th anniversary of the first time we ever made that trip as a family. it sucks that i cant do it with a new job and stuff, but itll be a change of pace for me as well as i have to watch my moms dog the entire week. ill be home in the htp for an entire week. i havent done that and probably two years. i know ill never move back home and it sucks, because i grew up there. but i also know theres a lot of bad memories i have in that city. and being elsewhere gets me away from those things. i am moving to ann arbor at the end of 2013. put that in stone. i feel that with my hopeful upgrade financially will make me able to do that. and its not that i dont love my friends back home, theyve seen me at my worst. but i feel like the people ive met in 5 years understand me more. i miss that play i miss a2 so much. i loved living alone because i didnt have to talk to anyone unless i wanted to. i could go days without seeing anyone else and id be ok with that. while good in some ways having a roommate gets me out of my bed and sociable daily. granted i spend most of my time in my room watching movies, listening to music, but i wish i could do that on my own. by myself. im ready to branch out once again. im ready for this new chapter to start in my life. i just wish it could've/would've happened sooner.
!2:10

New Chapter

This week marks the end of my career and country fresh. i have gotten a new job fulltime being an assistant manager in training. im extremely excited. ive never had this type of sadness for leaving but happiness for beginning. cf was in no way the best job ever as far as pay and hours, but i always woke up every day be happy to go to work. this job has changed me a lot as a person. i feel that i am now able to think no matter what. how on every drive i could space out and not remember any of it. this job gave me the luxury of making my own hours. this new job will not. but im excited. ive never been above the poverty line financially speaking so itll be great to be able to worry less about money. money has always been my foe. and im glad that being poor for so long has taught me the value of a dollar. im sure ill make a few dumb purchases, but the way i live wont change except for the fact of being healthier by making lunches at times instead of eating fast food constantly.

goals

to ensure i become a better person in the coming hours, days, weeks, months, years i have outlined a few things for myself.
1. no more drunk driving at any costs. i realize what i did last weekend was a terrible thing and i shouldn't have done it. i made it safely but maybe next time i wont. i know i put myself on a crash course to bad things when i do it.
2. not rely on sedatives. no sedatives, which help me sleep. i need natural sleep. not shit with fucked up dreams and waking up nightly with sweat all over me.
3. be nicer to people. im definitely a shitty person to people at times. from making fun of them to being incredibly rude.
4. become less dependent on others and more dependent on myself. i find that i need people to kick my ass into gear. but i dont want that, i want things to be on my own.
5.  be more active. being more active in the world will leave me less time for my thoughts. my thoughts suck and need to be put away for obvious reasons.
6. eat healthier. it's no secret i eat like shit. i eat some type of premade meal at least once a day.

with that said, ill visit this entry on the day after christmas. i know i never look back at my old entries but i will this time. i need to.

!2:!0

somewhere around midngiht

im unsure at times if i wish to continue this blog. however for now i will. i want to write in a journal, and over years and years have lots of them. but my hand from the many anger spells cannot write for longer than a few minutes. it starts to cramp and at times becomes unbearable to write with. ive never gone back and read my entries on !2:10 but used to occasionally used to read my live journal posts. i know if i look back ill just become unhappy again, granted there were spells of happiness since its inception but for the most part i pour my heart out in this thing day and night. im glad however that im using it more now than i used to. its comforting to write on this blog day in and day out. it helps always to put words down in some form, but at times i have a filter. i try to be as real as possible for the 3-5 readers i get, or the random readers i get. i just hope some day if i make it in this world i can finally get rid of this, when im happy. its in a way like batman in the dark knight rises. he was under a mask for so long much like i feel i am. i truly feel i identify with bruce wayne. in the movie him and john blake talk about acts, about how one has to constantly act to not so his true colors. i think that's me in a way. im a prick most days to people. with my humor it's second to none. but im hiding hiding who i know i am. a person that when given a great chance in life will always succeed. i know ive had plenty of failures in the past but i feel like if i have chances to be great i will. i just need those chances. greatness doesnt come over night. greatness is achieved after years. i am reminded of a dream i used to have, where i was under a waterfall with the water pouring down on me an i stick my head through the waterfall and it's slow motion and i slick my hair back. i want that crowning moment. more than ever. i want my moment in life, my saying to myself finally ive made it. i dont want to ever look back at my life and thats probably why i dont ever look at my past blogs. why i block out so many things in my life and never mention them simply because it is painful. i feel i dont identify with most people, and the people i do i have a hard time expressing my feelings. typing is easily my best relief. i cant talk to people on the phone and avoid it at all costs. because when i write i can go back and edit within the blog. i cant edit my phone conversations. i find that i can pour my heart out and do it in writing. maybe it's because when i write noone can see me or hear me except me. and i like that. i know my blog isnt anonymous but at times i want it to be. so people can see it objectively. i want life to happen. i want to be happy. i want to smile and have a real smile. i want to fall asleep without any sedative or being restless without it. i cant remember the last time i didnt take something to sleep. i hate thinking. hate not being able to fall asleep, i want to be tired. and to be tired starts with more activities. life can be great for some people. and thats what i want for life to be great. i want that climb of the mountain. im at the bottom of the mountain now and have a long way to go. im just glad i have this blog, to just write and write until i feel like i'm done. but im never done. theres so many thoughts and maybe writing them down on paper could translate into something.

!2:10

Run The Game

a few years ago, a good friend of mine turned me onto the author known as jason myers. his first book was much like the movie less than zero. but it was great, told the story of a man who left everything only to come back with a heavy heart. fast forward to his next book the mission which tells the story of a brother of a dead soldier in iraq, whom his brother promised to go see their favorite author. and then the third book a story about a boy who loves a girl and does everything for her. finally it came to my attention that he had just put another book out. loving and owning at least one copy of each book, (i am on my 3rd copy of exit here) and 2nd copy of the mission (which i still need to repurchase). but ive read this book "Run the Game" in about a week or so while listening to only instrumental music. such music as explosions in the sky and the social network soundtrack. this book was longer than any of his previous ones, up until today i was at the 350 of the 519 mark. and i finished the rest tonight. this story tells the life of a boy who fell for a girl. loved her and did everything for her. it was something out of the movies. however the ending was something that could be foreshadowed throughout the entire book with a will it wont it happen. it was a sad ending to a great book. all of these books are alike in some way. they all involve people who arent happy with their lives, who try to find themselves. however it's hard to in these books. they all involve heavy drug use and a common theme of destroy themselves to be happy. and come to think of it thats how ive lived my life. not necessarily with heavy drug use as i only have two drugs of choice, marijuana and alcohol. i live my life very hard, from the nights in my old apartment puking my guts out after drinking a half of a litre of admiral nelson, or the constant reminders of the scars from cigarette burns on my hands. my knuckles will never be the same. but im finding more and more that if i am going to live on into my thirties i need to take better care of myself. my insides hate me for the excessive drinking and for the most part i dont indulge as much as i used to. ive stopped smoking in the past month in hopes to better my life with job prospects, and even before i went on my mission to find a better job i wanted to quit on my birthday. 28 days later and i havent smoked. maybe it was leaving everything in a box that's 30 miles away or just being so incredibly poor to not be able to afford weed, or alcohol for that matter. i guess that's step one of everything. id love to have guidance it's always good to have someone to kick your ass into gear. im really hoping to better my life.

!2:!0

dedication.

it seems the world is crashing down once more. the job i was offered was contingent on the passing of a drug test and background check. i took the drug test on wednesday. and while i hadnt done any drugs since july 1st it still is in my system. i know im not the most healthy individual out there but past tests were beat in less time than that. it was a job that couldve doubled my income. and once again i failed at it. i think life is starting to become one giant failure after another. whether it's failing a drug test, or not being able to get a fulltime job, or finishing college with a shitty gpa. i guess i never thought of the repercussions that graduating with a 2.6 gpa would do. i cant even really go back to school to get a masters because of the low gpa. im sick of all this. i cant even afford to pay my bills anymore. the holes getting dug deeper with no end in sight. it just hurts me to think what i couldve been and what i am now. it sucks. drinking would help cure some things but i cant even afford to do that. something needs to change and soon. im trying my hardest to make a better life for myself. i believe in karma, and judging by my negative karma ive been a pretty shitty person. which i dont think i really am. but apparently in the karma aspect im getting what i deserve. and well i dont wish this on anyone. it needs to change.

12:!0

popsi

as time has grown on, my father isn't coming bak. thats been made clear for almost the past 20 years. but as i hear more of his legacy i think of myself as a piece of shit. granted he was my father, and many would never say the negative of such a man i find that ive never heard anything negative. everyone always says what a great man he was what he did, how he did it. it  upsets me. the reason being  maybe im not this person. im a prick most days but he he just seems liek the best person in the world. i miss him so god damn much and in 20 years it has never gotten easier for me. maybe it has gotten easier for my brother or my mother but i donno it never has for me. i just want to be like him so much and i do have the constant desire to change. the desire to make things better the desire to be a better person et i cant do this. i dont know what it is. i just want to be half my father. i want to be half the man.

!2:!0

i have never felt that i was born in the wrong time period. well until recently that is. i find myself going back in time and listening to music that was popular in the late 60's early 70's. based on my views on life and the world, i feel i wouldve flourished during this time period. with songs like "don't let me down" by the beatles or anything by neil young. it's no secret for my love of pink floyd and other music that was experimental during that time period. but i am noticing my distaste for current music becoming increasingly evident. music these days just doesnt add up to the music back then. i know that's cliche and what not but i love music. i love everything about it and find myself listening to the words of the songs more than the songs themselves. i mean don't let me down is an incredible song about love. to me one way to tell how music is, is the way it can be seen years into the future. it's crazy to think most of neil young's music is still relevant in every day life. even to listen to the beatles you can find songs that just are so beautiful and so moving that they can bring people to tears. i havent really thought of new tattoos since my last one, however i want let it be somewhere on my body. this song is easily one of my favorites. just so beautiful and moving. it's also times like this i think of my pops. i have most of his LP collection with most of the music that i listen to. the only bad thing is never being old enough to discuss the music with him. at age six i knew nothing of neil and the beatles. but now i do. maybe thats the thing i feel like ive missed out most on. ive had a great group of male father figures in my life, but the relationship with them isnt the same as i would have with my father. maybe music is the only way i feel like i can connect with him. whether it's the driving up north with my mother in the car listening to all the great music he left me and her telling me what he used to be into. it sucks to never have the chance to ask him what album had the most influence on him in his life. that's just one question id like. if it were the only thing i could ask him it would be that. forget everything else, music means more to me than people will ever understand and to connect with him on that level would have been the greatest thing i could do. here's to hoping his lp's continue to live on through me.

!2:10

stability has never been my specialty. ive thought though in the past year ive dealt with it better than in the past. but right now i feel like how i was before i moved out of my apartment. the misery, the feeling of loneliness. things im watching/listening to have reverted me back to this state. i dont deal with things well. which is why i take zoloft. i also smoke alot. and i gave that up 9 days ago. maybe thats what keeps me sane most of the time. im just worried what the future holds for me. in the past year ive taken it day by day night by night. but now i just dont know. i just need a sign of things being better. i dont want this rollercoaster to last forever as it has the past 26 years of my life. i am good at heart and i know that. i can look in the mirror, but i dont know who iam. i dont have that niche that most have where they know who they are. maybe i need to find myself. but i just dont know how.  i want a fresh start but dont know how. maybe this is the opportunity i need to just leave everything behind. there isnt one single thing that makes me feel like this. i just need to figure myself out for once. otherwise the misery continues. i can only smile so much before it becomes clear that i am just not happy.

!2:10

for thsi first time in maybe a year im watching the ending of six feet under. i havent cried in months. but today i am. i wish i still had my pier to walk to or my place to think. instead im confined to my bed and to my computer. i just want things to be better. the world will be better because of it. i just wish i had someone to talk to like i used to. i can have plenty of people around. but theres never someone there. loneliness is setting in and i hate it. they say misery loves company. maybe thats the reason im such an asshole to people.
!2:10

job

it really takes a lot for me to quit a job. ive only quit two other jobs in 10 years.  but tonight i  hit a breaking point of sorts. the job has become increasingly stressful since we came back in january. i just cant take the stress at times. and i couldnt tonight. i was almost in tears while talking to my mother about it. i couldnt stop shaking, much like when i get angry. but ive restrained myself from taking my anger out like i used to. one of my favorite shoes entourage had a common them. "things will work out, they always do" so here's to hoping this is true and will work. we'll see. really hoping my father guides me like he always does
!2:10

college

i knew leaving college i didnt want much to do with my political science degree. i mean i still dont know what the hell i want to do with my life. but ive realized i wasted 5.5 years getting a degree that is relatively useless. it sucks looking for tons of jobs and seeing how unqualified i am. at least with some people they have a skill that makes them have advantages over me. i wish i was just good at one thing. whether it be a certain skill trade, or high knowledge in a certain area. it really sucks knowing ill never use my degree, however i do have a degree. but i dont have much experience in most fields so to me it is hard to find. i need something. something thats actually full time. i have 2 part time jobs now, but ive never actually had a fulltime job. it really sucks going through life like this. i really need a pick me up
!2:10

birthday post

around this time every year i reflect on the past year of my life. since my birthday last year ive moved.
it hasnt been the best year as far as things to note. i've been mostly broke if thats any consolation. i really hope in the upcoming year i can finally get a full time job instead of two part time jobs. i really just want to make enough money to survive. lets hope this year is that

!2:10

Imagine Dragons

not often do i find music that's new and different. lately ive been hearing this song alot:
It's Time
i cant get enough of this song or this album. while the album is only a 6 song ep, i feel it is one of the more complete albums ive heard lately. the thing is it's time isnt even the best song on the album.
I love this band already and can't wait to hear more.
On Top of the World this song's positive message is so great. i hope others can enjoy the music the way i do.

!2:10

Music

it's truly crazy how much music can change a person's mood. whether it is turning it into happiness, anger, sadness, or reflection it does wonders. i havent been too excited about music lately. there would be a few new albums here or there but nothing too amazing until yesterday. yesterday i was able to find coachella recordings from 2011 and 2012. this includes 2 sets by the black keys, explosions in the sky, mumford and sons, and even the tupac/snoop/dre set. im extremely excited to listen to these new albums. the reason being is when it's live so much can change whether it's an extra solo, or as simply as an extra note or two. none are ever the same. i hope sometime soon i can live my life like a live album. little changes here or there or little extra solos. this is an odd comparison im making here but it makes sense for me. hopefully some day others will understand it. !2:10

Concerts

sometimes i like to look through all my old tickets. whether they be concert, or sporting events they all have stories. today i used an old frame and put up my favorite events. as i get ready in the morning for work i am able to look at these and reflect on some of my most favorite experiences. the worlds changing and i am resisting it as much as possible. in 5 years i feel the existence of physical tickets will be gone. i spend the extra money now to get physical tickets. !2:10

today was a decent day. a change if you will. i finally purchased my own bed with cash. it was a goal i had from the beginning of the year and im glad to have accomplished it before may. i just wish sometimes someone would lay in the bed with me as it is getting kind of boring. !2:10

i want to be something, but i feel mostly ill fail like i always have. its hard to relect on things and realize they werent great. my life living alone was bad. never enough money. and now i know the value of money and it makes me that much upset. i want nothing to do with money. i just want to be out of debt. and i want to just be ok for a bit. 3 months would be fine. if i was ok for 3 months with very little worries i think id be better off. im tired of the everclimbing ladder that i can get to the next step of.

!2:10

life things

i dont know if the perfect job exists, but i want to find it.
i realize having 2 jobs and working extremely odd hours is not a life i want to lead forever and a possible opportunity came up with redbull. the interview went well and ill know by wednesday. but as i finally have time to think about it i am unsure if i want this job. i took a job several years ago with radioshack, i went into it with a negative attitude. and that just transferred for the entire job. i have two jobs now, and while redbull is full time and stuff i just dont know if i want it. 5am start times are not what bothers me. but just not knowing if this is a career bothers me. from what ive gathered through mere observations alone is that there is not much room for advancement. dean foods may not have that either but theres so many more aspects of dean foods than there is at redbull. i think i might just stay where i am at for now and keep looking. i just want my next job to be something i can see myself at in 4 years and be proud of that achievement. redbull im unsure of and i think while typing this blog ive convinced myself to pass.

!2:10

i find that i hate going to bed at times. not because im not tired or anything but because i get in a great mood and a mood of joyous. only to have to go to sleep shortly after. i know waking up will all but erase this mood. hopefully my dreams will reflect this mood. im excited to go home next weekend. my brother was right in his analogy that doing something once in a while makes it feel better than doing it all the time. this isnt true for everything, including his original on carlos pizza. but it can relate well to being home. when i dont go there often i tend to miss it more. my family my friends. so itll be good to go back home this weekend. im hoping for some luck on st pattys day. but we'll see where the day takes me.

!2:10

i know im a great person.
that's all that matters right??
!2:!0

whatever this is who cares. casandra, you were the best friend a guy could ever have. i realize what you've been through and ive been through most. we fit as friends always knowing what eachother was going to do. i could figure out where youd be before you even knew it it. you were my best friend. i realize i had something more but i could careless of it. i just wanted you as my friend. you were great to talk to every single day. you always had something. whether it was a story or a stupid joke. i miss you like my sister. your moms place was one of the best things i can remember. you were just such a great person. and i really hope youre extremely happy with your life but everytime i hear someone who sees you, i just ask if you're doing alright. i get it i get everything, ill never be angry at you about anything that happened. but i think of you every single day of my life. and i honestly don't forsee that changing. youve left more of an impact on me than anyone i can remember.

!2:10

i saw a shooting star tonight during work. i wished something. im hoping it comes true as i think it could finally get me on the path i want to be on in life. let's hope it works out.

!2:10

‎"He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced--or seemed to face--the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself."


ive experienced this before and will never forget it. i miss my trips driving alone down to detroit. the best thing about my current job is driving to adrian every tuesday. its like my pier was to me. clarity.

!2:10

i think im going to start videotaping life, making my life through photos and videos. i find thats the best way to get to know people. just by showing them your life through your eyes. it's hard to see that otherwise.

!2:!0

love songs have begun to annoy me. they're just so great and fairytaleish. i want that. im finally wanting to care, but dont wanna settle for second best. i want the first place trophy.
!2:10

im always going to regret not moving out of state. i moved for college and couldnt support myself. and now im as close to as ever. but the thing that baffles me is my inability to act on things. moving a way from home has been the biggest hing ie ever done. i just want to make something of myself.

!2:10

there are parts of me ill never really understand. how years ago i can remember such things but forget everything else. probably a lot of selective memory i assume. there isnt much in the way of greatness going on as of late. maybe its at these times i reflect of other things. i really dont know. but to me i think of failed things. whether it be failures in my love life or failures in my own life. what ive come to realize lately more than anything else that whats on paper isnt always the correct thing. you can take people with similar backgrounds, interests, life stories, and you can find probably the most perfect person. and it doesnt work for some unexplained reason. i dont try to blame things, i typically blame myself. it just sucks. and i can see that in things that arent me. i blame myself for everything anytime. i think 2012 will be different. my brother whom i look up to alot is now different because of things that happened in 2011. it sucks the terrible he had to deal with, but i think it makes us closer. it in a way has made our family closer. still i dont do it a ton but i try to come home more often, to see the niece and nephew. it sucks with the nephew, my brother and i dont have much time with him to my knowledge. but the time i had with him over christmas reaffirms the fact that he is turning into his father and mother. his father a prick, but his mother i saw the good in her. i know it is there, but shit happens. and it sucks. for example he added me on facebook. i have a strong stance against kids and facebook. there should be an age, always ways around it i know it. but he added me and i denied him and he called me gay because of it. kids are crap now. shit i remember people talking about when they were kids when i was six. id love to see what they think now. theres plenty more thoughts, i was stopped in the middle of this blog. ill write more when im focused.

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200

this is the 200th post of my blog. i wanted it to be on my birthday in 2011 but why not have it be in the closing hours of the first day of 2012?

my life is changing. im hitting the ground running and hoping by the end of the year that i will be a lot more financially secure. december saw the beginnings of that, and it needs to continue. this blog has been a great way for me to express things in a journal or diary format. i enjoy writing for the few to zero people that read this blog. ill write more in 2012.

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