somewhere around midngiht

im unsure at times if i wish to continue this blog. however for now i will. i want to write in a journal, and over years and years have lots of them. but my hand from the many anger spells cannot write for longer than a few minutes. it starts to cramp and at times becomes unbearable to write with. ive never gone back and read my entries on !2:10 but used to occasionally used to read my live journal posts. i know if i look back ill just become unhappy again, granted there were spells of happiness since its inception but for the most part i pour my heart out in this thing day and night. im glad however that im using it more now than i used to. its comforting to write on this blog day in and day out. it helps always to put words down in some form, but at times i have a filter. i try to be as real as possible for the 3-5 readers i get, or the random readers i get. i just hope some day if i make it in this world i can finally get rid of this, when im happy. its in a way like batman in the dark knight rises. he was under a mask for so long much like i feel i am. i truly feel i identify with bruce wayne. in the movie him and john blake talk about acts, about how one has to constantly act to not so his true colors. i think that's me in a way. im a prick most days to people. with my humor it's second to none. but im hiding hiding who i know i am. a person that when given a great chance in life will always succeed. i know ive had plenty of failures in the past but i feel like if i have chances to be great i will. i just need those chances. greatness doesnt come over night. greatness is achieved after years. i am reminded of a dream i used to have, where i was under a waterfall with the water pouring down on me an i stick my head through the waterfall and it's slow motion and i slick my hair back. i want that crowning moment. more than ever. i want my moment in life, my saying to myself finally ive made it. i dont want to ever look back at my life and thats probably why i dont ever look at my past blogs. why i block out so many things in my life and never mention them simply because it is painful. i feel i dont identify with most people, and the people i do i have a hard time expressing my feelings. typing is easily my best relief. i cant talk to people on the phone and avoid it at all costs. because when i write i can go back and edit within the blog. i cant edit my phone conversations. i find that i can pour my heart out and do it in writing. maybe it's because when i write noone can see me or hear me except me. and i like that. i know my blog isnt anonymous but at times i want it to be. so people can see it objectively. i want life to happen. i want to be happy. i want to smile and have a real smile. i want to fall asleep without any sedative or being restless without it. i cant remember the last time i didnt take something to sleep. i hate thinking. hate not being able to fall asleep, i want to be tired. and to be tired starts with more activities. life can be great for some people. and thats what i want for life to be great. i want that climb of the mountain. im at the bottom of the mountain now and have a long way to go. im just glad i have this blog, to just write and write until i feel like i'm done. but im never done. theres so many thoughts and maybe writing them down on paper could translate into something.

!2:10