stability has never been my specialty. ive thought though in the past year ive dealt with it better than in the past. but right now i feel like how i was before i moved out of my apartment. the misery, the feeling of loneliness. things im watching/listening to have reverted me back to this state. i dont deal with things well. which is why i take zoloft. i also smoke alot. and i gave that up 9 days ago. maybe thats what keeps me sane most of the time. im just worried what the future holds for me. in the past year ive taken it day by day night by night. but now i just dont know. i just need a sign of things being better. i dont want this rollercoaster to last forever as it has the past 26 years of my life. i am good at heart and i know that. i can look in the mirror, but i dont know who iam. i dont have that niche that most have where they know who they are. maybe i need to find myself. but i just dont know how.  i want a fresh start but dont know how. maybe this is the opportunity i need to just leave everything behind. there isnt one single thing that makes me feel like this. i just need to figure myself out for once. otherwise the misery continues. i can only smile so much before it becomes clear that i am just not happy.

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