there are parts of me ill never really understand. how years ago i can remember such things but forget everything else. probably a lot of selective memory i assume. there isnt much in the way of greatness going on as of late. maybe its at these times i reflect of other things. i really dont know. but to me i think of failed things. whether it be failures in my love life or failures in my own life. what ive come to realize lately more than anything else that whats on paper isnt always the correct thing. you can take people with similar backgrounds, interests, life stories, and you can find probably the most perfect person. and it doesnt work for some unexplained reason. i dont try to blame things, i typically blame myself. it just sucks. and i can see that in things that arent me. i blame myself for everything anytime. i think 2012 will be different. my brother whom i look up to alot is now different because of things that happened in 2011. it sucks the terrible he had to deal with, but i think it makes us closer. it in a way has made our family closer. still i dont do it a ton but i try to come home more often, to see the niece and nephew. it sucks with the nephew, my brother and i dont have much time with him to my knowledge. but the time i had with him over christmas reaffirms the fact that he is turning into his father and mother. his father a prick, but his mother i saw the good in her. i know it is there, but shit happens. and it sucks. for example he added me on facebook. i have a strong stance against kids and facebook. there should be an age, always ways around it i know it. but he added me and i denied him and he called me gay because of it. kids are crap now. shit i remember people talking about when they were kids when i was six. id love to see what they think now. theres plenty more thoughts, i was stopped in the middle of this blog. ill write more when im focused.

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