new year..

a new year should usually constitute resolutions. do i have some? sort of. i will tell them...
1. take better care of my body
~~~~~~i never take care of it. i don't do heavy drugs, just pot and alcohol but i used to take a lot of nyquil and others. i am an angry person at heart and it comes out from time to time. my pinky and my ring finger on my writing hand are permanently messed up. and while i know it is all my fault if i get pissed i still use that hand. it isnt a means to an end by anyways. but it helps at time and chills me out.
2.i need to figure out what i want in life
~~~~~~i have a general outline of what i want, it is never anything specific. trughtfully i have no way to fathom what i want to do in life. i have no clue. logistics sounds decent, an easy job. but i know ill get bored like everything. but then again if i get a challenging job ill rise up and people will have expectations and then ill meet them and go beyond then fall back down. i dont want that. realistically, i wouldn't mind being a politician but i don't want my past involved. i have so much stupid/weird shit that would come out and i don't want or need that for my family. i have never been a perfect citizen and probably never will be. but i dont need that public. my mother goes through enough of my shit i don't need her to redeal with it, as well as my brother nephew sister in law and niece. i keep away from politics because of the things that can be uncovered. while it isnt terrible, i still jsut dont want my family to go through it. they have dealt with so much from me and i am only 24.


so far this year has sucked, nothing has realistically gone right in my eyes. people are changing, and i hate change. i know it is for the better in some regards but i hate it.

school has started for people still at emu, and truthfully i am bored. i don't do shit ever. and i hate it at least when i "had" class id go occasionally and stress about it throughout the week. that stress is gone. and the reality of me needing a fulltime job to follow the american dream scares me. the american dream is fucked up, but i don't want anything but that.

and lately, ive just been thinking more and more about life. it sucks.

!2:10