These Days

Its been awhile.  I didnt forget. It just became time to hold things in for awhile.  At first it was I just didn't have the time. Now its become an avoidance. A way to hold it in. To not talk about things. I live everyday in a haze. Everything just rolls together. I give my heart and soul at work and still feel under utilized.  Im no closer to being debt free than I was this time last year. I gotmyself into this mess years ago and I want to get out but I dont think I can.  My relationships with people have suffered greatly. Idont communicate with my family like I once did. I amjust at the point where I realize all these negative changes and people that leave , y life are because of me. That realization fuckig sucks. Icant blame anyone but myself,but I have always been honest. And at times that gets me in trouble.  Maybe I need a change of scenary. A fresh start. Im just on an island.

12:10

when 26 becomes 27

the world has changed in only one year. you have me getting a new job thinking it could be a career. and while that still may be the end goal, im unsure of what that future holds for me. i havent grown any relationships in this past year. if anything ive either severed or strained most of those. it is partly my fault, partly not having any money and partly being selfish. i see these things, but honestly i dont have the power at this time to change them completely. everything is a two way street, and i feel most times i was the one making the efforts. this has come up in the past and maybe i just made the efforts and didnt mind them as much but now i dont see many people because of the efforts of them and i. i dont feel that i have a person to confide in anymore. yes you have small bits here and small there, but never anyone that knows it all. if i could sum up year 26 id say mostly lonely, a little cloudy, with very little alcohol. ive cut down considerably, drinking every few months or so. i think back to how i used to be, mostly in my apartment drinking admiral a lot. and not wanting to be like that again. i see that was not the best person, and i cant necessarily change that but i feel like ive changed slightly. my anger is still there but rarely, maybe its the self medication or zoloft. either way im ok with that being gone. im tired of saying this will be my year, so i just hope i can continue with a steady job and who knows maybe end up being able to do the things i want to do without sacrificing eating or other things. i dont have much to say anymore, i can sum the last year up into just a shoulder shrug. im not really excited about turning 27, with the exception of tonight i didnt plan on going out. i just planned it as being a normal weekend. thats my world now. stay in, watch netflix. it's lonely, but it's also safe.  someday i hope the world will turn in my favor but as the years go on i get more frustrated. maybe it is me not taking those leaps. but maybe i just dont have the resources to do so. i have the want, i want to be great. i want to have kids, i want a wife. but i feel like my time on this earth is numbered lower than most others. im ok with that, ive never built my body for longevity. we'll see what the rest of my 20's make up. i just want success. success on my terms, my definition, which only i know.

!2:10 

st drunken day?

ive had 1 beer since new year until today. i had myself so psyched for it, gonna get trashed and live my old ways. but when reality happens, i dont get like that. im not sure if just the opportunity wasnt there or that i just dont drink like i used to. i noticed i started out fast today but only ended up drinking 8-9 in a 6 hr span. i feel like i am a shell of my former self when it comes to drinking these past few months. maybe its finally my body telling me no, or me being older or something but i just dont like getting trashed like i used to. maybe this will change. maybe this is growing up. either way it is weird to me.
!2:10

how safe it is to feel safe.

so things have changed slightly. my assistant manager at work is on leave, with a lot of thought that it is permanent. so i naturally pick up the slack because im the asst. manager in training. in a week its changed from no responsibility to much much more. now i stay alone the last hour of the work day. i like it. i hope this is the step in the right direction. i never to say i can see myself doing _____ in 20 years, but im able to say i like this job and i think ive found my niche.

otherwise i work, and sit in my room all night.  i dont go out much or really do anything, and im somewhat ok with it. i feel guilty spending money on things i dont need, because i am so far in debt to people. im trying the best i can to dig myself out of the hole i created for myself. im trying my hardest.

people get the long perception of me a lot. and i kind of understand it. ive never shown much of myself other than being mostly lazy. and really outside of work i am. but to doubt my work because of it annoys me. my home life and work life are not the same and actually are almost opposites. i realize i need to change my home me. and i have tin some regards but the people that dont see me often still think of me as a lazy guy. that bothers me. i just feel like im a piece of shit sometimes and i dont feel like i actually am one. perceptions need to change.

!2:10

The first month and a half

The first month and a half of this year has gone by faster than I can imagine. I spend most nights still in my room, and it isn't the worst thing in the world. I realize I don't talk to people as much lately and for the most part I don't do it on purpose. I've been exhausted with work almost daily. I enjoy my job. I think I've found my niche. I work my ass off and hopefully soon it will pay off. Im working on me.

12:!0

Year End

when this year started i recall saying how things were going to change. and well things have in ways. i am better off financially than i ever have been. i still worry about my money but im finding that its less stressful with a surplus than wondering how i can pay this bill and that bill. i dont have to borrow money from others anymore. ive paid off one credit card, and while it was cancelled forcing me to pay it off i still paid it.
besides that i have cut down my drinking a lot. i can now go a few weeks and not drink and be fine with it. granted i still have other vices but this one i feel was the worst. i also have not taken any type of benadryll since September. this along with drinking less has finally started to heal my liver.
i still eat like shit but its hard to changer that.
i feel like i have made strides this year more than past years and i feel good about that.
 with that being said
i didnt get to go to hessel this year. that was a bummer but i had just started a new job and couldnt do it.
i got to go to my first festival and it was amazing.
ive seen some good bands this year and i hope to see more in the next year.

my next year goals:
pay off another credit card.
go to another festival.
go to hessel.
move up to asst. manager instead of asst. manager in training.

im really hoping this next year continues to take me in the direction i want.

!2:10

I've noticed things lately. How passed flames come back sometimes and talk and only talk because they're newly single. I've found we talk a little. Then it goes quiet and then they're back with an ex. I don't like being that backup but tend to fall for it.
I find that certain songs I hear will take me back to a time of my life. I love that everything I cant remember stems from music. I hate having my computer die, I can't listen to new music. Don't get me wrong I have good music with me now. But I want more. Im greedy in that sense.
My new computer will start the transition into a different thing with my music. I will depend more heavily on memory cards than internal memory. The same applies for the tablet ill be purchasing soon.
Im still poor. I still live from paycheck to paycheck but im finally able to pay all of my bills.

12:!0

a2

i always have a large blog typed and erase it. most of it is babeling. im alright, my alcohol consumption is at a level im comfortable with although, the last few weekends and next week or two makes me uncomfortable. im nowhere near where i used to be. blacked out drinking beer and shots and driving. i limited myself today to a managible level. i also think lately of where i was, and i feel like im getting better. today i started to think fo myself without zoloft. and i wanted to try to ween myself off, but a minute later i took one. i do only take them every other day so ive cut down and remain at an alright level. im still unhappy with myself in most regards. but at least i dont have to ditch people to save money. and maybe thats just because this is an extra paycheck month. but im happy this month. i can afford to do good things for good people and show who i really am.

!2:10

it's rare that people can offend me. it's not too rare to annoy me. it's somewhat rare to get me pissed off. i attribute this to zoloft. i am not who i used to be when it comes to things said to me. now am i annoyed with things said, me finding out? yes definitely. but im not where i used to be. during the reception tonight i spaced out plenty of times. my mind was just blank. it was enjoyable. just to think of nothing. i really had intentions on writing a heartfelt post tonight but i dont know if i possess the capabilities. my one thing i can say, is that it would be great to have a family someday. my own.

!2:10

XX

as i sit in my bed after a work day i sit and think about what happened 20 years ago today. 20 years ago today i lost a piece of my life that ive never gained back. as the years have gone on i find that i wish i could talk to him. to understand life. growing up with a single parent wasnt incredibly hard. i am lucky for my family mainly my father's family for always being there. ill never forget that day. everything before is blurry. and everything after is different. im glad that ive come this far. i miss my father. i miss a guide.

!2:10

Im settling in nicely to this job. Im comfortable with it and feel that I work my ass off everyday and leave feeling tired. I've never had a job like this. Granted I still have yet to supervise anyone. But im still happy with it. I also am finally catching up on the past 3 years of life which is great.
!2:10

im a big fan of instant gratification. i hate waiting for results. i keep trying to get myself back up and get things in a normal path. i hate waiting until things start to straighten out. i just want everything now dammit. i hate this waiting around period, this going through the motions until i can actually make things happen. i want the now, im tired of the later.

!2:10

I could be wrong but it seems as though with the weather changing my hand will begin to ache. Its all my fault I put my hand through that pain but it does ache and hurt. I wonder what lasting effects it will have on my body in the years to come. I wish I could just flash forward awhile. To know im doing ok.
12:!0

Today has been the first time I haven't thought about taking some form of benedryl in years. Granted I just thought about it right before I wrote this but im glad im becoming independent of it. Im ready to shed this skin I've had for 3 years.
12:!0

Job

Its been about 3 weeks now since I started the new job, and while I don't mind the work im unsure if its a permanent fix. the money is decent or about double what I made but im not sure if working in a parts warehouse with 4 other people with two of them being managers that there's any room for growth. I realize I use that term as a big factor in leaving jobs. However I've never actually grown. The only one I can think of was the changing of departments at circuit city. Besides that its all new to me. Certainly I've tried with other jobs like country fresh but to no avail.
I've also stopped taking tylenol pm or benadryl in any case whatsoever. I've taken it for years just about every night and I blamed it on the shitty work schedule I had with two jobs. Now there's no excuse. I have set hours and schedule with little to no fluctuation. Which I like.
It will be nice to have money again and to finally pay things off that need to be paid. Im interested in what this job will have for me. I am trying to not be negative but I also mess up on things. Often times I go too fast to try to be more efficient. However sometimes I screw up and I don't like that happening so I guess I need to slow my roll down a bit.
!2:10

it's been a week of work. granted this work is probably not like the work ill be doing but ive been setting up a 28000 sq ft warehouse all week and i love it. i like working for my money. i like at the end of the day being tired from my job and being dirty. i am nowhere near where i want to be in my life, but im on my way and this first week made it feel like a leap instead of a step. im ready to be great, i know that in the past 2 to 3 years ive been nothing but an unhappy prick. i attribute that to being so broke and not knowing if i could eat, and having every single cent be accounted for. im smiling now. and im glad for that

!2:10

chapter iv. a new hope.

i dont get to go to hessel this year. this is the 20th anniversary of the first time we ever made that trip as a family. it sucks that i cant do it with a new job and stuff, but itll be a change of pace for me as well as i have to watch my moms dog the entire week. ill be home in the htp for an entire week. i havent done that and probably two years. i know ill never move back home and it sucks, because i grew up there. but i also know theres a lot of bad memories i have in that city. and being elsewhere gets me away from those things. i am moving to ann arbor at the end of 2013. put that in stone. i feel that with my hopeful upgrade financially will make me able to do that. and its not that i dont love my friends back home, theyve seen me at my worst. but i feel like the people ive met in 5 years understand me more. i miss that play i miss a2 so much. i loved living alone because i didnt have to talk to anyone unless i wanted to. i could go days without seeing anyone else and id be ok with that. while good in some ways having a roommate gets me out of my bed and sociable daily. granted i spend most of my time in my room watching movies, listening to music, but i wish i could do that on my own. by myself. im ready to branch out once again. im ready for this new chapter to start in my life. i just wish it could've/would've happened sooner.
!2:10

New Chapter

This week marks the end of my career and country fresh. i have gotten a new job fulltime being an assistant manager in training. im extremely excited. ive never had this type of sadness for leaving but happiness for beginning. cf was in no way the best job ever as far as pay and hours, but i always woke up every day be happy to go to work. this job has changed me a lot as a person. i feel that i am now able to think no matter what. how on every drive i could space out and not remember any of it. this job gave me the luxury of making my own hours. this new job will not. but im excited. ive never been above the poverty line financially speaking so itll be great to be able to worry less about money. money has always been my foe. and im glad that being poor for so long has taught me the value of a dollar. im sure ill make a few dumb purchases, but the way i live wont change except for the fact of being healthier by making lunches at times instead of eating fast food constantly.

goals

to ensure i become a better person in the coming hours, days, weeks, months, years i have outlined a few things for myself.
1. no more drunk driving at any costs. i realize what i did last weekend was a terrible thing and i shouldn't have done it. i made it safely but maybe next time i wont. i know i put myself on a crash course to bad things when i do it.
2. not rely on sedatives. no sedatives, which help me sleep. i need natural sleep. not shit with fucked up dreams and waking up nightly with sweat all over me.
3. be nicer to people. im definitely a shitty person to people at times. from making fun of them to being incredibly rude.
4. become less dependent on others and more dependent on myself. i find that i need people to kick my ass into gear. but i dont want that, i want things to be on my own.
5.  be more active. being more active in the world will leave me less time for my thoughts. my thoughts suck and need to be put away for obvious reasons.
6. eat healthier. it's no secret i eat like shit. i eat some type of premade meal at least once a day.

with that said, ill visit this entry on the day after christmas. i know i never look back at my old entries but i will this time. i need to.

!2:!0

somewhere around midngiht

im unsure at times if i wish to continue this blog. however for now i will. i want to write in a journal, and over years and years have lots of them. but my hand from the many anger spells cannot write for longer than a few minutes. it starts to cramp and at times becomes unbearable to write with. ive never gone back and read my entries on !2:10 but used to occasionally used to read my live journal posts. i know if i look back ill just become unhappy again, granted there were spells of happiness since its inception but for the most part i pour my heart out in this thing day and night. im glad however that im using it more now than i used to. its comforting to write on this blog day in and day out. it helps always to put words down in some form, but at times i have a filter. i try to be as real as possible for the 3-5 readers i get, or the random readers i get. i just hope some day if i make it in this world i can finally get rid of this, when im happy. its in a way like batman in the dark knight rises. he was under a mask for so long much like i feel i am. i truly feel i identify with bruce wayne. in the movie him and john blake talk about acts, about how one has to constantly act to not so his true colors. i think that's me in a way. im a prick most days to people. with my humor it's second to none. but im hiding hiding who i know i am. a person that when given a great chance in life will always succeed. i know ive had plenty of failures in the past but i feel like if i have chances to be great i will. i just need those chances. greatness doesnt come over night. greatness is achieved after years. i am reminded of a dream i used to have, where i was under a waterfall with the water pouring down on me an i stick my head through the waterfall and it's slow motion and i slick my hair back. i want that crowning moment. more than ever. i want my moment in life, my saying to myself finally ive made it. i dont want to ever look back at my life and thats probably why i dont ever look at my past blogs. why i block out so many things in my life and never mention them simply because it is painful. i feel i dont identify with most people, and the people i do i have a hard time expressing my feelings. typing is easily my best relief. i cant talk to people on the phone and avoid it at all costs. because when i write i can go back and edit within the blog. i cant edit my phone conversations. i find that i can pour my heart out and do it in writing. maybe it's because when i write noone can see me or hear me except me. and i like that. i know my blog isnt anonymous but at times i want it to be. so people can see it objectively. i want life to happen. i want to be happy. i want to smile and have a real smile. i want to fall asleep without any sedative or being restless without it. i cant remember the last time i didnt take something to sleep. i hate thinking. hate not being able to fall asleep, i want to be tired. and to be tired starts with more activities. life can be great for some people. and thats what i want for life to be great. i want that climb of the mountain. im at the bottom of the mountain now and have a long way to go. im just glad i have this blog, to just write and write until i feel like i'm done. but im never done. theres so many thoughts and maybe writing them down on paper could translate into something.

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