i want to start taking more risks and living each day like my last.

so nothing new to report.
wednesday hasn't been the best towards me. i got denied for unemployment.
i started to drink alone. and this is what i needed.
i talked to a friend that understands me like no one i can imagine. she knows exactly what i see or feel without telling her every detail.
life isn't amazing and nor is it worse ever.
but in the past few days i have come to something along the lines of everything happening for reasons. and that someone has a plan. i have been agnostic for so many years. i never not believed in a god. but still so unsure of what the purpose of everything is and what the american dream still is.

i can sit here and fight everything but the american dream is what i am after. it is what everyone is after. but what is the dream?

in other words, i need to read the great gatsby again.

3 weeks pot smoking free
almost 3 weeks of no fast food (not including pizza).
4 weeks of unemployment.
1 week of eating less than 2000 calories.

i think this is the most steps i have taken for a better life than anything i can ever remember.

don't know if or how much weight i have lost. but after walking around, i have noticed my pants are a lot looser. i jsut want my stomach to be less loose because i want to wear size large t-shirts once again

!2:10

drunk man's words a sober man's thoughts

have you ever had a certain phrase that always rings true to anything that has ever happened? although i drink a lot and am content with that one phrase has always maintained truthfulness. that is what the title of this blog is. there have been so many times in my life i have come home drunk at my mother's and begun to spit off everything in life. i think with all the drunk conversations i have had i could write a book. basically the last posts i have done are late at night when i have time to reflect on the days' events.

not much happened today except i got to see probably my best friend and his wife start to welcome their first child in life. it was only the baby shower. it was my first and i felt so awkward. but if it hadn't been that friend's baby shower or a select few i would not have attended. i woke up drunk this afternoon, after a long night of drinking. had to drive an hour for the shower and although when i got there i felt out of it. i also felt like it was something truly amazing. don't get me wrong i love my niece and her being born was simply amazing, but i am so much closer with my friend than my brother. it is odd but i feel like it is the same for him as well. i felt like if i hadn't gone today it would have been one of the worst things i have ever done. him and i both lost our fathers at too young of an age, and although it has come up maybe once in the existence of our friendship it doesn't need to. there's a mutual understanding that life sucks.

in my life there has been the absence of a best friend for plenty of years, but in the last one i have come content with calling him that.

it is one of those things that is sacred to me. i have a hard time telling my mom i love her. i have a hard time showing any affection even if it is a hug between mutual friends. i never initiate hugs, and rarely give a kiss on the check. it is such an odd thing for me to ever do that to anyone.

i've rambled too much for one night

!2:10

people have taught me that blogging under the influence is the best thing possible. i have known for many years that "a sober man's thought's are a drunk man's words."

lately i have written blogs less sober than usual. and tonight is one example. a good night, but when i walk home i tend to want to be alone. i walked with a good friend and although he walked by the pier with me, i felt empty to do that with someone else. no words can explain the disappointment felt, and the displeasing i told a great friend.

next week, ill be alone again and if i am not i will be severely disappointed much like i was tonight.

!2:10

faith.

there hasn't been a time in my life where religion has come up more. the majority of my friends are catholics. i was raised catholic at least to the point of making my confirmation. but lately things like certain saints and beliefs have come up to a point. this is where i will now state my beliefs and explain them in a way. i believe something created us. while i do believe there was something beyond any one god as told by evolution, i still think some god exists of some kind. but i do not believe in one god and one god only. i understand some beliefs of the minor but everchanging major religions in the world. and i agree to some aspects of them. there have been times in my life which i never share with anyone, which i will now share in which i knew there was something. my first example is in high school, i am unsure of the grade at which this occurred but know that i was mildly depressed. i remember crying on the desk that was once my father's and felt an arm around my back. like a pat that everything would be ok. i turned around and noone was there. also back in high school i would become upset fairly easily before i discovered zoloft. i lived close to jefferson which would take you to detroit. i remember one such instance in which i drove down to close to woodward, i drove via jefferson. as i knew where i was on woodward because woodward is to me the washtenaw or other common roads, i started driving on washtenaw to east bound 94. i was at a red light, i see a guy in my passenger side and he looks at me and tips his hat. i have never once been scared in detroit. many people i know are often scared but i have never. with that tip of the hat i got on eastbound 94 back to my home town. i could easily have taken woodward to big beaver, and taken that home completing a square. but i did not. things like that or certain things like go left go right don't go have always made me stop and think. i also think karma is real. recently i had an ex-girlfriend's mother's book sell on half.com. instead of pocketing the money which i thought or simply giving that money back to the ex, i instead cancelled the transaction. i just believe that if i took that money bad things would happen

if that isn't some sort of faith or belief then i do not know what it is.
i will safely say i am agnostic although if i had to gun to my head believe in something christianity would be it. i don't believe ill ever find one god to rule them all. i have my reasons because of various things that happen. but do i believe in something. yes. what it is? i have no idea. will i ever want to narrow it down? probably not.

!2:10

walks

as i walk home from the bar i tend to take everything in. tonight was a different setting as i was in downtown ypsilanti instead of depot town. as i walk home towards my apartment there are plenty of bars on the right. you find a crappy bar before you cross michigan avenue. this is where i first turned on music on my phone. as i walk across the street with snow around me falling on my jacket and head, i listen to eddie vedder "long nights" from into the wild. i see bars on my left pub 13 all those bars. i see a strip club with bright neon lights and i continue to walk. i walk to the parking lot and due to the lack of covering snow falls even more on me. Long nights has now ended and i turn to "sleeping sickness" by city and colour. i walk across the parking lot and notice that my footprints have never been there before due to the snow. i start to walk in a way i never have before. i make it my mindset to walk where noone has walked before. i get to the sidewalk turn behind me and see a stump, as well as cars either at the strip club or the bars. i smile and leave. i make my way to washtenaw, where i turn left en route to my apartment. sleeping sickness is now over and i turn on "waiting" by the same band. i notice footprints to the right of me. i make it to walk to the left and continue to walk watching every snow ridden step. i hear the snow crackling beneath my feet, and again think to myself i am the first person to walk this route. i make it to my mailbox, and know that i am once again home. home alone nonetheless but with a smile on my face, because i alone experienced this walk. and although people may walk this route, they will make a mis-walk at somepoint and this route will always be my own.

!2:10