remember.

since i can remember i've been an angry person. i always get angry. i cant control my feelings at times and i shake when i get angry. rarely does my anger lash out like it used to. as a little kid i had a lot of problems controlling it. do i feel like i have control of it now? at times. i want so badly to just rid myself of anger and finally be able to just be laid back. i never can control my emotions. i wan so desperately to just let go of that anger, let go of the sadness and move forward. i feel like that is holding me back in life. i've had to go to a domestic violence class for my arrest last year. while i don't fall under the immediate umbrella of domestic violence what i did comes under a type of violence. i can say this class is majority a waste of my time, but i am starting to understand that i am an angry person. ive started to think of talking to someone seeking help, because i dont want this to continue. like i said before i want to be a happy person with less sadness and anger. i have come a long way since i was younger but dont feel like i am where id like to be as of yet. it sucks to admit this on a public forum such as a blog but i feel like it is the only way short of going to see someone. my blog when i write doesn't judge me while the readers may. if they don't like me for me i cant help that. i am an enjoyable person, and lately ive thought of the future for me. and i want to start setting goals for myself which i don't think i ever have in my life. i am starting to be able to close my eyes and imagine a future. that hasn't been able to happen in 6 years or so. im at the bottom of the ladder i need to be at and i want so desperately to climb that ladder and smell the fresh air. i need changes, i need to become less of a kid and more of an adult, and i understand that. i just need help doing it. i'm not a self-motivator and usually need a kick in my ass to do something. now i will list a few goals,

1. apply to gradschool with my next paycheck. i may not get in as a grad student but i could be a non-degree graduate student until my gpa raises enough, currently i am off by less than 10 points. once i start school i need to kick ass in it. no more of this fucking around that i did for the past 5.5 years and before that another 12 years.

2. i want a job that is consistent. what i mean by this is hours that are always there. i want a full time job. i think i am ready for it. i am ready to join the real world. i'm anxious for that to finally happen.

3. once my probationary period is over to start seriously evaluating my life and the people in it. i've started to in some ways and others just put it on the shelf.

4. start a new life somewhere, i know that will happen in less than 60 days when i move into the rth with two good friends, i am anxious and excited and as i said earlier i can actually imagine living there whereas months ago i had no idea.

5. i want to take better care of my body. i have been drinking less on the weekdays thus far, but the weekends are always a blur. i understand i am young and i can do this but i think one night out a week i shouldn't black out. blacking out as of late has become almost ordinary. i need to be motivated to do things like go to the gym, i feel once goal 4 is complete that i can start to be motivated and not feel so many aches and pains and feel blah all the time.

6. experience new things. i want to get out of my element. this has included previously chicago trips, pennsylvania trips, and other things. i like the fresh air of something new.

7. finally learn my guitar. i've had the damn thing for over 10 years and can barely play one full song. i really want to be able to play more, and i enjoy it. basically i need to not fuck around and get serious with it.

8. become less of the jokester and more of the reliable person. i can be reliable when it comes to something that benefits me and most often i don't do things because it doesn't. it makes me feel like shit, and i get it. i can be a bad friend. i hate it.

9. read more. i want to expand my learning of things.

10. pick up new hobbies. if we refer to number 7 this is included in it. but i want to learn the inner workings of certain things like adobe photoshop or even photography. the reason for this is that i enjoy these things and want to become decent at it so that hobbies can turn into things people appreciate.

11. just be a better person.

i hope i can have some help with this as i am not the best motivator.

!2:10