another year passes by

as another year passes by, it still doesn't get easier.
many people say time heals all wounds and although certain phases of my life have passed, there's not a day that goes by that i don't wonder what my life would have been like. it has been a few years since the angry phase finally left me. maybe it was moving out my house, or a change of sceanery. whatever it is it has helped me come to grips with anger that i've always felt. i still have the times when i gt angry but no longer do i blame them on things that have happened beyond my control. i still don't go see him because it's hard and i still have a hard time thinking about that day. and my aunts scream's and the ambulence lights are still clear as day. i think it is so hard for me to go home because i always see that, and it's just memories that always come back up. i don't typically talk about what happened with my family and very few friends know the full details of it. i did not think it was a coincidence that i found the death certificate on Wednesday when i was home. i do not think that it was a coincidence today when i didn't see a car coming but stopped anyways. i never see things as simple coincidence's just a voice telling me not to turn right or to stop. i always think back to two times where it seemed most evident that he was there. the first was an incident where i was crying and i felt a hand on my shoulder while sitting at my computer desk. a second was when i used 2 go on my late night drives to detroit. i would usually take jefferson all the way there, then take woodward down a ways. there was a man on the passenger side of me while at a red light walking down the street, he looked at me and nodded. i feel like that was a sign to keep going on that i would always be safe. i have been known to say i do not believe in god, or necessarily one god. but i do believe that there are people that watch out for u. i have never once felt that he wasn't there and that he wasn't proud of me despite what i may have done or how i have treated others. he has never judged me, and i have never felt like he was angry at me. i love my father, and although i never say it or how the word's father or dad seem foreign or out of my language, it is still odd to say it. once in a while i will say my dad's name, and it is always interesting to find out new stories from my godfather or from my brother. it reminds me of episodes of six feet under, where nate finds out his dad had a somewhat secret life. i feel like i relate to that because i was so young when he left, and now finding out stories or looking at photos makes me feel like i know him. my only regret is not knowing him enough and since i was only 6 it is hard to know someone like that when you have no idea something was wrong. i only wish i could be half the father my dad was, how despite having heart problems or thinking of me as a little shit while in hessel, he stayed with me, i wish he could know how that is my favorite memory of him. every year twice a year, i put up the photo taken with him. as i write this the photo is to my right never out of reach. i stayed in the cabin in the background of the photo this summer and everytime i walked back past where the photo was taken i remembered and smiled about what he did for me that day. i see my father in my brother alot, having patience even when his step son is being a little shit. i am so thankful that he did not suffer the way some people do, he may have suffered from the inside but you never would have known it by the way he presented himself. i love my father and no matter if i show it or not, i miss him dearly.

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